Messy bird couldn't see the Wood for the trees

TV VIEW:It was Gabby Logan on the BBC who first sensed it might be Ireland's day, that the omens were tremendously positive. When the Twickenham-based John Inverdale dropped in on Gabby, who was stationed in Stephen's Green with Keith Wood and Rafael Ibanez, she revealed, while pointing to the tree above them, that a bird had "just done its business on Keith's back".

“If that means anything – and usually it means good fortune – perhaps the tide is turning in this classic encounter,” she said of the Ireland v France affair.

Keith, we should point out, didn’t wear the face of a man who felt his luck was in, and we had a notion that when Gabby handed back to Twickenham he set off up that tree, and when his work was done that bird was left without a single feather to shelter it from the Arctic weather.

Still, even after being dealt with by Keith that bird probably had a considerably less stressful afternoon than Mauro Bergamasco, whose confidence was well and truly plucked from him during that first half against England.

His passing was so – how do we put it? – wayward we were reminded of that terrace tune directed at former West Ham “striker” Bobby: “When you’re sat in row Z and the ball hits your head, that’s Zamora”.

“The worst performance I’ve seen by an international player in decades,” said a disbelieving Jonathan Davies, who, pre-match, had had a premonition: “It could be an absolute nightmare today for Bergamasco, I wish him all the best.”

Jeremy Guscott, meanwhile, was just lost for words.

And lost for words is what poor auld George Hook must have wished he’d been pre-match. At half-time, Tom McGurk asked Brent Pope and Conor O’Shea if they’d like to see a replay of George’s earlier assessment of Bergamasco. By now rolling in the aisles, they said ‘yes, please’.

“Look at what he can do! He’s played for Italy on the wing! In the centre! At fly-half! He’s now playing for Italy at scrumhalf! Conor O’Shea thinks this guy isn’t a good scrumhalf! CONOR O’SHEA IS WRONG! This guy could play anywhere, he’s GREAAAAAAAAT!”

And when Conor had questioned George’s judgment on the Bergamasco-can-play-at-scrum-half issue George had said this was “an outrageous attack on my integrity”.

By half-time Conor suggested a lad “from George’s Willow Park under-13s” would have been a better choice than Bergamasco, and George, wearing the face of a man on whom a bird had just done its business, was in no position to disagree.

Anyway, England triumphed, George paying tribute to their efforts by forecasting that it would be the only match they’d win in the Championship.

But what of Ireland? Well, the panel was collectively heartened – and not a little astounded – by the fact that the team selected was made up of in-form players playing in their preferred positions, so, in light of that, George declared: “Our record against France is awful, so why should it change now? I think France will win.” Brent thought this was bird poo, and went for Ireland.

The game? No words really, if you discount jaw-droppingly, breathtakingly wonderful. And that was just France. Ireland? Birds of paradise, Keith might even have agreed. “Redemption, revenge, rousing rugby, flip-flop scorelines, it had everything we could possibly have hoped for,” said Gabby, and she wasn’t wrong.

Declan Kidney took full personal credit for the performance when he talked to Tracy Piggott after the game. The old ones, eh?

“You must be happy with your back line?”

“Yeah, they did okay – nothing that I didn’t expect, really.”

“It’s 100 years since we scored three tries against France.”

“Is it?”

“Yes.”

“Well. We’ll just try and work out why we didn’t score a fourth.”

Now we know the origins of ‘No Drama, Obama’, even if ‘No Drama, Kidney’ doesn’t quite have the same ring about it. ‘Yes We Can’ we’re completely certain he says to his players, although his public message is more along the lines of ‘Yerra, We Might . . . If We’re Lucky’.

Back in the RTÉ studio Tom swooned over a close-up of the moon, prompting George, who had surrendered his soul to happiness, to declare: “It might be one small step for Irish rugby, but . . .”

Back in Stephen’s Green, we suspect, Keith plucked – sorry – up the courage to take one giant leap back up that tree to return those stolen feathers, shaking the bird by the wing and apologising for their earlier falling out.

Now all we need is for Ireland, like the bird, to do the business against Italy, England, Wales and Scotland. Yerra, Yes We Can.