Merson revels at phenomenal drama, just phenomenal

TV VIEW:THERE WAS, Paul Merson appeared to conclude, literally only one word for the weekend's Premier League football: phenomenal. Paul Scholes? "Phenomenal." Spurs? "Phenomenal." Wigan's winner against Arsenal? "Phenomenal goal, phenomenal, phenomenal goal. Wigan's three goals in 10 minutes? "It's phenomenal, just phenomenal."

By now Sky Sports’ Richard Keys, we detected, felt about “phenomenal” much as we feel about “we are where we are” and “Berbatov’s bound to come good any day now” – if he heard it once more he would happily have served a sentence for assault occasioning actual bodily harm.

Luckily enough, Merse found no reason to use the word at all when he turned his attention to Arsenal – and we use the word loosely – goalkeeper – Lukasz Fabianski, the poor divil who, not for the first time this season, lost his grip of a clanger. You shouldn’t, of course, kick a fella when he’s down, unless he’s John Terry, so Merse tried to go easy on him. “The goalkeeper’s useless, I mean – seriously,” he said.

It takes a big man to say sorry and for that Merse should be applauded. “I was out of order earlier, I personally don’t think I should have said ‘useless’,” he conceded when reassessing Fabianski’s contribution to Arsenal’s defeat. “Not good enough should have been the words I used, until Arsenal get a goalkeeper they ain’t gonna win the Premiership, I’m afraid,” he said, which would have made Fabianski feel a whole better as he heads for the job centre.

Merse and Richard then raved about Charles N’Zogbia’s winner for Wigan (“phenomenal”), Merse pointing out “if it was scored by Messi or Rooney we’d be raving about it”. Richard called for an ad break, just to give him a chance to pop out for some fresh air.

When he returned he asked Merse if Arsenal were now out of the title race, having informed him before the game they were 16 to 1 to win it. Call us jittery, but it might have been best if Richard avoided informing Merse of any odds at all seeing as it’s only six years since the fella checked in to the Sierra Tucson Clinic in Arizona for treatment for his gambling addiction. “They were out of it before kick-off,” said Merse, “but they’re completely out of it now – you can put 17 noughts on the end of that 16.”

So Richard did. And then Merse probably said to himself: “Hmm, Arsenal to beat Manchester City, Blackburn and Fulham, Chelsea to take no more than two points from Stoke, Liverpool and Wigan, and United to collect only three points from Spurs, Sunderland and Stoke? 1600000000000000000-1? That’s worth a fiver, innit?” It probably is too, to be honest, but we’d most likely need Liverpool to beat Chelsea for the fiver to pay off, and as Merse pointed out, “you don’t know what you’re going to get with Liverpool, they’re like a bag of Revels – one minute they’re brilliant, next minute they’re shocking”. And shocking is the only word for the orange-centred Revels, it has to be said, although the toffee ones are a bit like Fernando Torres: back of the net.

But if Spurs can beat Chelsea surely Liverpool can do the same? One problem: Liverpool don’t have a Luka Modric. “He has the frame of Norman Wisdom but he tackles like Norman Hunter,” ESPN’s Jon Champion told David Pleat during Saturday’s game, to which Pleat somewhat curiously replied: “And I know his dentist – he says he’s a super, super guy.” Champion: “You can tell a lot from dental records.” Pleat: “Absolutely.” Right.

“Over to White Hot Lane, an atmosphere like an Icelandic volcano,” Ray Stubbs had said to us when he handed over to Champs and Pleatie, Champs then noting about a sky-high kick-out from Heurelho Gomes that “it’s come down with volcanic ash on it”. There was a theme developing. Neither man attempted to pronounce Eyjafjallajokull which, admittedly, sounds like a full-back ’Arry Redknapp might sign from the Swedish third division, but neither did the BBC’s Formula One team which is now, sadly, stranded in China. Well, all except Eddie Jordan.

“Eddie’s been grounded by the volcano,” Jake Humphreys told us yesterday, and sure enough, Eddie could only contribute to the BBC’s coverage of the Chinese Grand Prix over the phone from “the basement of television centre in London”. He tried to sound disappointed about not being stranded 5,000 miles from home but, a bit like Lukasz Fabianski, he failed miserably.

Jake, tracked down Mr Formula One, Bernie Ecclestone, and asked him how they’d all get back in time for the Spanish Grand Prix on May 9th. “We’re thinking of running it here in China – this could go on for two years, you know,” he said. Jake, being a grown man, didn’t want to cry, but he came mightily close, looking a touch, well, ashen-faced.

David Coulthard sensed Jake’s despair and resisted declaring: “We are where we are.” It was, you have to say, phenomenal sensitivity on his part.