Jimmy plays wrong tune

Day Nine. Mmm, mmm, laa, laa, mmm, mmmm, mmMM, la, LAA! La, la, dee, dee, la, deeeee! "SHUT UP!" Some people have no appreciation of culchur. "Don't know about you but I can't stop humming that tune," said Gary Lineker of the BBC's theme music for World Cup 98. You're not the only one, Gary, you're not the only one. "Love it, I just love it," as Kevin Keegan would say.

You have to say the composer, Gabriel Faure, had a good ear for an auld tune, until he went deaf in 1920. (How come most of the great composers went deaf? Thought that only happened to people who listened to Motorhead on their walkmans 24 hours a day).

Then there's ITV's theme music, the kind of tune that serenades you when you're in the cheese section of your local supermarket.

Dum, de dum, de dum dum dum. You know the one? It's a 1998 version of Jean-Michel Jarre's Rendez-Vous, which was brutal in 1986, when it was written, and it's still brutal in 1998.

Why couldn't ITV have used that seminal tune from their coverage of the 1978 World Cup in Argentina - remember: Diddle, dee, dee, dee, dee, diddle, dee, dee, dee, dee, diddle, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee?

Always reminds me of Mario Kempes that one, and Peru's shock 6-0 defeat by Argentina in the second round, when hosts Argentina (and their heavily armed military leaders) needed to win 60 to progress to the next round. Remember Peru looking gutted at the end of the game? Neither can I.

Anyway, Pavane, Monsieur Faure's tune, is having a very soothing influence on those of us who haven't seen daylight since Tuesday of last week. Well, soothing for everyone except the insufferable Jimmy Hill, who is was in a right cranky mood on the BBC's round-up of Day Eight's action.

Despite the fact that the world and her mother and the entire Austrian team appeared to agree that Chile's goal HAD crossed the line on Wednesday, Jimmy was having none of it.

Mark Lawrenson thought it was a goal too, a view that earned him a lecture from Jimmy on the rules of the game.

"Look at that last shot there, remembering that the WHOLE of the ball has to be over the WHOLE of the goal-line," he explained to the former Liverpool and Republic of Ireland defender who probably had to buy a warehouse to stock all his international caps and League, European Cup, FA Cup and League Cup winners' medals. "Even if one sixteenth or one 32nd of the ball is still on the goalline it is not a goal," Jimmy continued, assuming that his pupil was ignorant of this obscure football rule.

Martin O'Neill stepped in and put Jimmy in his place. This upset Jimmy who has been irritated by O'Neill ever since the World Cup started, particularly by his intelligent, interesting and passionate views on the action to date.

Nothing gets up Jimmy's wick more than that kind of thing. In fact one gets the feeling that if O'Neill described Ronaldo as a fine player Jimmy would dismiss him as a third rate plodder. And if O'Neill dismissed him as a third rate plodder Jimmy would . . . you get the idea.

"Your argument, which is a fairly lengthy one . . . now HOLD ON . . . it's a fairly lengthy argument, it's a fairly lengthy argument," said Jimmy, who'll never use 10 words when he can get away with 1,076. "It's also right," said O'Neill. "Glad it's in English and not in French," Jimmy muttered defiantly. "Jimmy and I are going to have a very, very hard month here," said O'Neill.

Don't worry Martin, us viewers will have an equally hellish month, if we keep tuning in when Jimmy's on the screen.

Denmark v South Africa. "Here's Fortune," said Brian Moore as Quinton Fortune began a South African attack. "It's good name for a footballer Brian, isn't it," said Kevin Keegan.

"If he came to your club and you put his name on the back of his shirt you'd know he's not going to come cheap."

"Mmm," said Brian. "Arrgghh," said the viewers. "Enough!"

France v Saudi Arabia. I know the French had a lot to sing about, with a 4-0 victory, but can't they do better than "Allez, allez, allez, allez, allez, allez"?

They could do with a few lessons from the Scots. After they scored against Norway? "You only sing when you're fishing."