Granny rule with a difference

"Granny died. Have to go to funeral. Will miss chemistry exam. Gutted. Sure you understand," said the note. "My sympathies, but you must have learnt to live with your Granny's health problems by now . . . that's the 14th time she's died since you came to this school," said Sir, on my return.

"And it's funny how she always passes away just when your knowledge of chemistry is about to be tested."

Granny had to stop dying then, it was time to let her rest in peace. It was Great Aunt Jessie's turn. And she had terrible misfortune over the next couple of years, expiring on several occasions (most tragic of all the incident with the mountain goat and the cliff, but that's another story).

But don't we all need an ailing Great Aunt Jessie at times, some excuse to bail us out of a place we'd really rather not be in? Poor auld Celso Ayala could have done with a Great Aunt Jessie last week. Celso is a Paraguayan World Cup defender who, on the odd occasion that he turns up, plays for Spanish club Real Betis. He was allowed home to Paraguay at Christmas, but didn't much fancy returning to Spain once he got a flavour of his Ma's home cooking again. Understandably, he contacted the club and told them his Da was sick and he wouldn't be back for a while.

And what did the lousers do? They hired a private detective to track him down. During the investigation, Celso's Da was spotted, hale and hearty. Not a bother on him. Hate that. That's the good thing about the under-funding of secondary schools in Ireland, headmasters just don't have the cash to hire Great Aunt Jessie-spotters. But it's a lesson learnt for Celso (who is now back in Spain having received a heavy fine and a month's intensive training, with no first team football, as his punishment). You have to be a little smarter when you're thinking up a strategy to allow you go absent with leave. Like Celso, Luther Blissett and Ian Rush suffered from homesickness when they took their footballing skills to Italy back in the '80s. They didn't like it much when they got there, but instead of disappearing and risking fines and suspensions, they just played brutal and whinged a lot. "No matter how much money you have, you just can't buy Rice Krispies anywhere in Italy," complained Luther (yes, he did). "It's like playing in another country," moaned Rushie. And with that they were both sent back home. Simple.

Joey Beauchamp used a similar approach a few years back when he was struck down with homesickness after his move from Oxford United, his home town club, to . . . West Ham. (Yes, West Ham in London, just up the motorway). Joey's strategy? A quivering lower lip. After four months Harry Redknapp couldn't take much more and sold him to Swindon (nearer home) who, a season and a half later, gave up on him and sold him back to Oxford. Sadly, cash-strapped Oxford are trying to sell him again, but he's already turned down moves to Nottingham Forest, Manchester City, Fulham and Southampton, to name but a few.

Alternatively, Celso could follow Tomas Brolin's example when he moved to Leeds three years ago. So aghast did the Swede appear to be by his new Yorkshire surroundings he took to comfort eating and before you could say "£4.3 million is an awful lot of money to pay for a plum pudding" Tomas looked and played like one. So, it was adios Yorkshire. (By the way, Tomas was involved in a collision with an elk in Sweden during the week. The Elk was a write-off - Leeds fans suspect no vehicle was involved, but Tomas claims he was driving a car at the time). Then there's the `all is not well upstairs' approach, as used by several footballers this season. Take Darren Byfield, for example. Darren, a 21-year-old forward, was sent on loan by Aston Villa last month to Preston North End, who hoped to sign him on a permanent basis. But Preston manager David Moyes named him amongst the subs for their game against Wrexham and Darren insisted that he wasn't "mentally right" to sit on the bench. What mental condition one needs to be in to sit on a plank of wood one can't say, but Moyes was having none of it and a grinning Darren was last spotted hooting "yoo hoo, I'm back" on his way in to Villa Park. Darren, very probably, picked up a few tips from Marko Viduka. You know the story - after lengthy transfer negotiations (partly caused by Celtic forgetting the procedure involved in signing a new player) Viduka joined the club in a £3 million deal from Croatia Zagreb, was informed of Rangers' lead in the Premier Division and, whoosh, he was off to his native Melbourne, declaring himself "mentally unfit" to play.

The biggest mistake you can make, though, in these circumstances is to muddle up the excuses you offer for your absence. Like Jorge Cadete two years ago. Jorge refused to return to Celtic for pre-season training, claiming he was suffering from depression. Fine, except at the same time his agent was telling the press that Jorge had "a woman problem". Frantic attempts were then made to convince everyone that Jorge was `depressed about a woman', but it was too late. The mistake had been made. Around the same time, Brazilian Emerson sent Middlesbrough a message from home saying he wouldn't be returning to Teeside because his wife found the place utterly depressing. Meantime a family friend claimed that the player was remaining in Brazil to tend to a sick aunt (Jessie?). Another no-no is to be brutally honest about your feelings for your club. They might be rubbish and you might never want to play for them again, but for heaven's sake don't admit it - it just makes you look unprofessional and no one will want to sign you because they'll think you're a good-for-nothing troublemaker. Isn't that right Pierre van Hooijdonk?

And Celso, whatever you do, vary the complaints on your sick-notes. Paolo Di Canio? 1997? AWOL from Celtic? "Suffering from stress." 1998/99? AWOL from Sheffield Wednesday? "Suffering from stress." Surely he could have found a cure in the intervening period. Finally, Celso, there's the Florin Raducioiu `How to Win Yourself a Place on the Next Plane Out of Here' strategy. "He went missing on the way to the Stockport game because he thought he was going to be sub. He had every chance of playing that night, but he was shopping with his in-laws in Harvey Nichols," explained Florin's West Ham manager Harry Redknapp two years ago. Perhaps a shopping trip to Harvey Nichols mightn't get you out of a chemistry exam, Celso, but it won Florin a move from the East End of London to Espanyol in Barcelona. That can't be bad. Hope these tips help - before you can say `footballers these days are a shower of spoilt pups' you should be home in Paraguay.