Finding Derek Ryan a mission in itself

"Pardon?" he said. "Squaw Shhh Tour Na Mint," I shouted. "I'm sorry, but I think you must have the wrong number." "That is Grand Central Station, isn't it?"

"Yes, but I give information on train times, not on . . . what did you call it?"

"A Squaw Shhh Tour Na Mint."

"Thank you for calling, goodbye." So, it was back to the woman in Pennsylvania who had given me the number for the Grand Central Station ticket information desk, and not the Tournament of Champions information desk, at Grand Central Station.

Yep, one of the major events on the squash calendar is held in a train station, a bit like holding the Irish Open tennis championship at Connolly or the badminton national championships at Heuston. So, there's never a dull moment attempting to follow Derek Ryan's professional squash career, especially as (a), it never seems to dawn on those who run his sport's tournaments that anyone might ever ring looking for results and (b), they hold some of them in the most peculiar of places.

Best of all is the Al-Ahram International which is staged beside the pyramids of Giza near Cairo. Ever tried ringing a pyramid for squash results? ("Mummy, is that you?").

An extract from a squash magazine article on the AlAhram: "Last year players fought to keep their concentration as camels moaned in the darkness beyond, Egyptians prayed toward Mecca on courtside rugs, the pyramids loomed through the front wall as the lights went down and 5,500 fans went nuts in the stands for the local boy, Ahmed Barada." "Wild, isn't it," as Derek Ryan once put it.

Yes, wild is the only word for it. But then squash, deprived of television coverage (because, it's argued, it's not a television sport) needs to do wacky things to attract attention (and sponsors), like holding its tournaments "on portable courts set up in some of the strangest, most exotic, most public places in all of sport - a downtown square in Brussels, Grand Central Station, the Palladium dance club and the lower concourse of the World Financial Centre," as the same article put it. (One of these courts will arrive at Fitzwilliam Lawn Tennis Club next month for the Irish Open). Former Irish international Louise Finnegan once won a squash tournament in a shopping centre in Spain, overcoming both her opponent and the sound of watching kids slurping their McDonalds' milkshakes and chomping on their Big Macs, the smell of which, she said, wafted across the court. All of which makes for lovely pictures (see below for website addresses) but the wackier the venue the wackier the phone conversations you have while attempting to find someone who can give you the results. "Tournament of Champions - how may I help you?" Phew.

"Could you give me the result of Derek Ryan's first-round match against Mark Cairns please, thank you."

"You'll have to speak up, it's very noisy here."

She wasn't wrong - all you could hear was the sound of New York commuters going about their business.

"RESULT . . . RYAN . . . CAIRNS."

"I'm sorry, I can't leave the desk because there's no one else here and I can't see the scoreboard from where I am."

"Is that the Tournament of Champions information desk?"

"Yes - how may I help you?"

It's midnight Irish time and she says to ring back in an hour because Melissa will be there by then. "Can't you . . . oh, never mind." Check internet 30 minutes later: Ryan won, in five sets. This is great, but it means having to ring Melissa's friend again on Monday night.

"Tournament of Champions - how may I help you?"

"Could you give me the result of Derek Ryan's second-round match against Simon Parke please, thank you."

"I'm sorry, I can't leave the desk because . . ."

"Melissa hasn't arrived yet?"

"That's right."

"Never mind."

Check internet 30 minutes later: Ryan won in five sets, having lost the first two sets to the world number four. This is fantastic, but it means having to ring that desk again on Tuesday night.

"Tournament of Champions - how may I help you?"

"Don't suppose you can give me the result of Derek Ryan's quarter-final match against John White?"

"Yes I can - as soon as Melissa gets back. One of the players was injured and had to retire, but I don't know which one." Gulp.

"Was he 6 ft 4 ins, with black hair and an Irish accent?"

"I can't see from here. Ring back in 10 minutes and Melissa will let you know."

"Melissa?"

"Yes, how may I help you?"

"Which player was injured?"

"John White."

"Yeeesssss! Eh, sorry, I mean that's terrible."

"Yes it is."

"But it means that Derek Ryan is through to the semi-finals of - wey, hey - the Tournament of Champions?"

"Yes it does."

"Have a nice day."

Wednesday night: "Tournament of Champions - how may I help you?"

"Could you give me the exact score from the semi-final between Derek Ryan and Jonathon Power, please."

"It's not over yet."

"Yes it is, Power won 3-0 half an hour ago. The result is on your internet site."

"Oh. Hold on, I'll see if I can find Melissa."

She never did, Melissa may well have stepped under a Wyoming-bound train while looking for the results sheet. If not she'll probably turn up in Cairo in the summer, having been given the press information job for the Al-Ahram International.

"You'll have to speak up, there are camels moaning in the background," she'll say. Wild, as Ryan would put it.

See pictures of the Al-Ahram International and Tournament of Champions' venues at http://www.squashtalk.com/ photos/history/grandcentral1.jpg and http://www.squashtalk.com/ photos/history/pyramids1.jpg.