Dubs learn hard way never to trust a langer with a SatNav

TV VIEW:MICHAEL LYSTER was flummoxed, almost as much as the folk on the Hill. "Could you tell me, how did Dublin lose that," he asked.

Joe Brolly and Colm O’Rourke were in no fit state to reply, too busy trying to hoist their jaws off the studio floor, so Pat Spillane, as he can be inclined to do, filled the silence: “Innocence. Naivete. Stupidity,” he replied.

Who knows? To this day they’re still quibbling about the cause of Devon Loch doing a Dublin in the 1956 Grand National – was it innocence, naivete, stupidity, cramp, a shadow or the roar from the crowd?

In 50 years they could well still be debating the cause of Dublin extracting defeat from the jaws of victory yesterday, although another possible theory is that banner in the crowd: “Langers – Welcome To The Capital”.

“See that lads,” was all Conor Counihan really had to say, pointing to the offending article, and with that a five-point deficit was overturned, the rebels finding their cause and jaws in one fell swoop.

In motivational terms it was, you’d have to assume, up there with that Phil Bennett dressing-room address before a Five Nations meeting with England back in the ’70s. Remember?

“Look at what these bastards have done to Wales. They’ve taken our coal, our steel, our water. They buy up all our houses then only live in them for a fortnight a year. We’ve been exploited, raped, controlled and punished by the English – that’s who you’re playing today.”

Counihan, of course, couldn’t have used quite the same themes in any chat with his players: apart from anything when a Dub buys up a house in Cork he makes it his principal residence, regardless of the expense of regular essential trips to Jackeenland.

But, as we know, the beauty of west Cork in particular makes the hassle more than worth it.

What Counihan might have done, apart from drawing attention to the banner, was to have Spillane piped in to the dressingroom at half-time, when he described Cork as “clueless”, their efforts to breach the Dublin defence somewhat ineffective.

“God save us, anyone could defend against that,” he said, noting that, “If these Cork fellas invented the SatNav they’d take you all over the country – backwards, sideways and then you’d end up back where you started”.

Ultimately, Cork found direction, even if they insisted on taking the scenic route to victory while Dublin’s malfunctioning SatNav prompted them to take a wrong turn just as destination September 19th was within sight: “As soon as you are minutes away from reaching the All-Ireland final veer left into the ditch, allowing De Rebels to overtake you at the very point you thought you were home and hosed.”

After a less-than-happy debut for Aston Villa yesterday, when they shipped just the six goals to Newcastle, you’d like to think Cork’s triumph lifted Cobh man Stephen Ireland’s spirits a little.

ESPN brought us the game live, opening with a snippet or three from Ireland’s midweek press conference when he was unveiled by Villa.

“The young lads here are so polite,” he said, “I’m actually quite shocked with that. At (Manchester) City they’re not like that. They’re coming in with £10,000 watches on their wrists and walking around as if they have played 200 Premier League games,” said the fella who played 138 times for the club, almost as many times as those photos of him in his pricey customised sporty cars appeared in the papers.

“Pot, kettle, black,” ESPN pundit extraordinaire Kevin Keegan didn’t declare.

Instead, he focused his thoughts on Newcastle hat-trick hero Andy Carroll, the fella whose hair-do was last spotted when Kajagoogoo appeared on Top of the Popsnigh on three decades ago.

“He’s very genuine, he’ll chase a piece of paper out there,” Keegan said of the young fella, a tribute that left Brian Little and Ray Stubbs exchanging glances of the chin-scratching variety.

It was, as it proved, a six-fest of a weekend, Chelsea and Arsenal also putting a half dozen past Wigan and Blackpool. “Wigan showed it is going to be difficult to come here and take some points,” Didier Drogba told Setanta after the game, with divil a hint of a grin on his Ivorian lips.

Meanwhile, Manchester United did a Devon Loch at Craven Cottage yesterday. Ruud Gullit and Jamie Redknapp informed Richard Keys that they'd be disappointed with the draw after Nani missed an 87th-minute penalty to put United 3-1 up, just two minutes before they conceded the equaliser. Richard nodded, like he'd just had the Da Vinci Codeexplained to him.

In the absence of the indisposed Wayne Rooney, Dimitar Berbatov, Javier Hernandez and Michael Owen combined to score no goals at all. “Langers – Welcome To The Capital”, as a Fulham banner could well have read.