Diamond geezer exonerated

Planet Football: With so many footballers getting themselves into bother these days it was nice to see a happy ending to former Rushden and Diamonds striker Onandi Lowe's trial at Northampton Crown Court, where he stood accused of smuggling crack cocaine worth £100,000 in to Britain. He was found not guilty.

Lowe had signed for a package delivered to his home, which had contained the cocaine before it had been removed by US Customs, but had used a false name, Kevin Brown. Lowe explained that he did this to keep his identity secret because he did not want the paparazzi taking pictures of him. Now, we mean no offence, but since when did the paparazzi hound former Rushden and Diamonds strikers? Anyway, in the end the jury believed Lowe when he said he had simply accepted the package for a pal.

Incidentally, one report on the trial last week mentioned that Lowe, all six foot, four inches of him, describes himself as a "ladies' man", and in the next sentence noted that the jury was made up of one man - and 11 women. What were they trying to say?

Jenas' love a pre-fabrication

We never tire of reading about what footballers get up to off the pitch because, quite often, it's a whole lot more interesting than anything they do on it. We were, then, gripped by the Sunday People's account of Jermaine Jenas' brief relationship with fashion stylist Gemma, whom he met in an Essex nightclub. The Newcastle and England player, though, conned poor Gemma by telling her that he was a builder, too embarrassed was he to own up to being a Premiership footballer.

"I started making plans for the future, thinking of all the jobs he could do round my flat," said Gemma, who was so upset by the lie that she felt she needed to sell her story to the paper so that others would not be similarly duped. Fair play - Planet Football readers, you have been warned. Gemma, fighting back the tears, told the People that Jenas had "all the subtlety of a hod carrier after getting her plastered". But worse, much worse, she said that he kept his socks on for the duration of the fling. Allegedly.

Quotes of the week

"The only bad thing about our situation is the situation itself."

- Nottingham Forest manager Gary Megson, making a bad situation . . . well, confusing.

"Maybe Gary Neville deserves to be chased up a tunnel every now and then - there'd be a queue for him probably - but I think you have to draw a line eventually."

- Roy Keane reflecting on his encounter with Patrick Vieira after the Arsenal man picked on little Gary in the Highbury tunnel.

"They don't know what honesty or loyalty is. They're the biggest scum that walk on this planet and, if they weren't football players, most of them would be in prison. It's as simple as that."

- Former Tottenham chairman Alan Sugar, clearly missing his day-to-day dealings with footballers.

"Iain Dowie knows that any points dropped at home are points dropped."

- Jason Cundy, sharing his expertise with English radio station Talksport.

"The boos will do nothing, Sheringham will put this away."

- Carlton Palmer, as heard by Dangerhere.com, nanoseconds before Teddy stepped up to take a penalty for West Ham against Sheffield United in the FA Cup. A penalty he, eh, missed.

Mediocrity being sent to Coventry

David Wardale, of the Coventry Evening Telegraph, reported last week on Roy Keane's suggestion that footballers wear anti-diving wristbands in protest at the occasional theatrics of players like, well, Ruud van Nistelrooy, Wayne Rooney and Ronaldo.

He added, though, that "football insiders" didn't think Keane had gone far enough, that, for example, "they want Craig Bellamy to wear a big neon sign with the word 'Tosser' flashing above his head at five second intervals, both day and night".

Wardale, unimpressed by Coventry's season so far (they're fifth from bottom of the first division, aka the League Championship), added that the FA had confirmed that "plans to make rubbish players more easily identifiable were now complete. From now on, crap footballers will be made to wear the following sickening identifier" (see photo above).

Poster boys for relegation fight

David Wardale (see above) also, eh, reported on the launch of "a major recruitment drive by Coventry City bosses to help Micky Adams bring new players to the club". A series of six posters, he said, would be located "in the key areas that all the best footballers can be found - lap dancing club toilets, sports car showrooms, betting shops, golf clubs, estate agents, Dixons and magistrates' courts (motoring offences division)". Much as similarly emotive posters had persuaded young men to answer their country's call to fight in two world wars, talented young players, Wardale argued, would be sufficiently stirred to sign up for Coventry City to help their battle against relegation. After seeing one we signed up ourselves. Watch out for our debut against Wigan on Wednesday night.

More quotes of the week

"I have a lot of sympathy for Jose. I have a wonderful wife but that doesn't mean I never look at another woman."

- Arsenal goalkeeper Manuel Almunia springs to the defence of Jose Reyes after he was hoaxed by that Spanish radio station. The problem here? Reyes took one look at Real Madrid and decided he wanted to leave his current wife, aka Arsenal, to marry them.

"Barcelona have a great club. But in 200 years of history they have won the European Cup only once. I have been managing for a few years and I have already won the same amount."

- Jose Mourinho, still unconvinced by his own abilities.

"We've been a disgrace for half a year. Since last July we've been virtually incapable of action. It's got to stop. We must get back to normality. We've been sitting in the shit for six months."

- Franz Beckenbauer on the shape of German football in the build-up to the 2006 World Cup.

"He just pulled the rugs out from under the players' carpets."

- Andy Walker on Dunfermline chairman John Yorkston, as heard by a Radio Clyde listener and Private Eye reader.

"They've missed that player who can open that key to the door."

- Kevin Ratcliffe tries to explain that Everton haven't replaced Wayne Rooney.

Jude's ban a little obscure

Queens Park Rangers are battling the English FA on behalf of their mascot, Jude the Cat, who was sent off during their game against Preston North End because he looked too much like the QPR players. "This is a terrible injustice," said chairman Bill Power, and you kind of have to agree. As Jude himself put it, "how can I be mistaken for a player? I'm a seven-foot black cat". Indeed, not to mention the big hairy head and the tail.