Bernt a Haas-been in tights

Planet Football: Apart from him being a Swiss international defender the only thing we really knew about Bernt Haas was that he was the subject of a 'terrace' song at West Brom (to the tune of Go West by the Pet Shop Boys) that went something like this: "Bernt Haas, shouldn't light his farts, Bernt Haas, shouldn't light his farts, etc".

With that tribute still ringing in his ears Haas, alas, was released by West Brom manager Robson last week. His agent, Adrian Bachmann, was none too pleased with the player's treatment, claiming he had been "driven out of England" by a tabloid expose about what he gets up to of an evening with his computer webcam.

We didn't know this, so were intrigued, but not half as intrigued when the agent added: "As for the story that he was taken to hospital wearing a Robin Hood costume, that's not true." Eh?

Following intensive research: indeed, Haas WAS taken away by paramedics from West Brom's Christmas party after allegedly drinking too much. And, yes, he WAS dressed as Robin Hood at the time.

Robson, being a bit of a hard man in his time, was said to be reluctant to retain the services of a full-back who wears tights. Honest, you couldn't make it up.

Chinese food and Chinese whispers

According to the Daily Record last week Rangers' Chris Burke was sitting in a Chinese restaurant with his parents when a group of passing "wee Rangers fans", in the words of the player, spotted him through the window and began excitedly banging on the glass. And they banged so hard the glass caved in - all over Burke, his Ma and his Da, much to "their horror and his". But when the story turned up in a newspaper? Well, it had somewhat grown and been twisted in the telling: it was reported that Burke had been "attacked by hammer-wielding thugs wearing Celtic scarves".

Quotes of the week

"If Bill Shankly was alive today he'd be turning in his grave."

- Harry, a caller to a BBC radio phone-in, on Liverpool's recent woes.

"What this guy said really shows how unmodern he is, this kind of person should be beaten black and blue and made to thoroughly shut up."

- Chinese player Hao Haidong's reaction to Ron Atkinson's comments on Chinese women, as read by Football 365.

"I think we will win the league."

- Jose Mourinho. What on earth gives him that idea?

"If you're into statistics then try this one: it's 50 years since Chelsea won the Championship, and they look like doing it this season, and it's 50 years since we won the Cup. So perhaps we're going to end that long wait as well."

- Alan Shearer, as quoted by the Telegraph, explaining why Newcastle will win the FA Cup this season. Persuasive.

"He's the best player ever to come out of Brazil."

- Who was Adilson Batista, president of Brazilian club Associacao Desportiva Atletica, talking about? Jean Carlos Chera - who is nine years old. No pressure then Jean Carlos.

Steve's a red-blooded blue-blood

Liverpool supporters are oft heard reassuring themselves that Steve Gerrard will never leave the club because he was born with, eh, red blood flowing through his veins. Well, we're almost reluctant to show them this photo, which turned up on the 4thegame.com website last week, but, could it be that his blood started out blue?

Craig Bellamy's tricky old week

"When I heard what the manager was saying I couldn't believe it. I was in shock. I thought 'not only is he going behind my back, right in front of my face, he's lying'."

- Bellamy on Graeme Souness's ability to position himself in front and behind him, all at the same time.

"He is a first-class moaner. Newcastle's fans shouldn't be surprised as he is acting totally to type. I'd call him a poison dwarf but that's an insult to dwarves."

- Coventry City fanzine editor Neville Hadsley.

"Craig Bellamy is a poisonous piece of work. Souness defends him by saying he has an injury even though he does not have to do that. So what does the little brat do? He comes out and, publicly, says he was fit. His attitude stinks."

- Former Newcastle striker Mick Quinn.

"At one stage I gather he (Graeme Souness) had Craig by the throat and threw him to the ground, so they didn't exactly start on a good footing."

- Newcastle chairman Freddy Shepherd.

"Bellamy has often been labelled as an obnoxious player and I have to agree."

- Former Coventry team-mate Steve Froggatt joins in on the tributes.

Song of the week

According to our friend Brendan, having been knocked out of the FA Cup, thanks to Djimi Traore's spectacular own goal against Burnley in the third round, Liverpool supporters, idle on Saturday, spent the afternoon singing (to the tune of the Jacksons' Blame it on the Boogie): "Don't blame it on Biscan, Don't blame it on Hamman, Don't blame on Finnan, Blame it on Traore. He just can't, he just can't, he just can't control his feet . . . "

More quotes of the week

"It will be the two best sides in the country."

- Alex Ferguson previewing last Wednesday's game against Chelsea. And there was us thinking the league table never lied.

"I think that Peter Walton is one of the best referees in the country - and I'm not taking the p**s. I bet you won't print that, you b*******, will you, when it's something good?"

- Sheffield United manager Neil Warnock. It's printed Neil, so calm down.

"The players are gutted about what way forward to go at the moment, it can't go any further back."

- Walsall's Paul Merson after a 5-0 defeat by Colchester.

"I am telling you right now that the weight the ball is nowadays, if it's whipped in and you've got people attacking it, there is no way the goalkeeper can come because it just needs a defender to get a touch and you're knackered."

- Ferguson, explaining why Tim Howard was blameless for Damien's Duff goal on Wednesday night. Riiiight.

Life's a beach for Cantona fans

Hard to credit but last Tuesday marked the 10th anniversary of Eric Cantona's spontaneous martial arts display at Selhurst Park. Cantona, naturally, was asked to mark the anniversary with his reflection on the incident.

"I don't know if it was right or wrong but, if I found myself in the state I was in at that exact moment, I would do it again without a doubt," he said. "That day I was angry and, if I am angry tomorrow, I know that I will be unbalanced and I know some days I can topple over."

So, if you're attending one of his beach football games and you're sitting in the front row: keep your mouth shut.