Benaud unimpressed as Bell tolls for outclassed England

TV View: 'Good news," declared the beaming BBC weatherman on Saturday evening, pointing cheerily to north-west London on his map, "there's rain forecast for tomorrow!"

The uninitiated might have concluded that this was one peculiar weatherman. Met Éireann's Gerry 'winker' Fleming apologises to us if there's even a raindrop heading our way; you just know he feels personally responsible. But here was this fella triumphantly telling north-west Londoners they'd be drenched if they stepped outside their doors yesterday.

But he had, of course, events at Lord's in mind, where England's hopes of avoiding defeat by Australia in the First Test were reduced to, well, ashes by Shane Warne and Co on day three.

And, alas, precipitation, rather than their middle-order bowling attack or fielding, is often England's best hope of avoiding defeat by Australia. Their mistake yesterday was not to have a sprinkler system set up behind the pavilion to carry on from where the showers left off; the Aussies might't have noticed.

But the rain stopped. And started again. And stopped again, this time long enough to allow Australia tie up the loose ends. England's last four 'batsmen' were out for a combined total of 0 - let's just say, their tail failed to wag.

Having been overshadowed by fellow bowler Glenn McGrath on the opening day - that's the same Glenn McGrath who England's Matthew Hoggard said was getting on a bit, the same Glenn McGrath who took five wickets in 13 overs on day one, and another four in the second innings - Warnie rolled the years back a bit on Saturday.

When Ian Bell came in to bat Channel 4 presenter Mark Nicholas showed us the state-of-the-art spin-bowling machine that Bell had used in advance of the Test to teach him how to cope with Warnie's deliveries. Everyone was highly impressed with this machine. Except the Voice of Cricket himself, the great Richie Benaud.

"But does it have a brain?" he asked of the machine, in a sardonically unconvinced tone. "Hmmmmm," he purred, as Bell tucked his bat under his arm and headed for the dressing room, having failed to cope with a Warnie delivery. Trapped, lbw, with eight runs to his name. Richie rested his case about technology.

The cricket was quality, and frankly it needed to be to keep us from remaining glued to Sky Sports for the big one on Saturday afternoon: live coverage of the Thailand Under-23 team v Bolton in the final of the Asia Cup.

Nobody told Niall Quinn there'd be days like this when he transferred from Sunderland to Sky Sports on his retirement. "It's a verrrrry interesting game Niall, isn't it," presenter Marcus Buckland said to him after a scoreless first half. "Yes," said Niall, who probably left a Caribbean beach for this.

"Thailand have shown that they're not afraid of Bolton," he continued, giving nothing less than 110 per cent for the cause.

We missed the second half (if anyone has a tape of it we'll pay you not to send it in) because there was urgent business to attend to in Croke Park: the Ulster final replay (not to mention TG4's coverage of Lance Armstrong's annual cycling holiday in France).

A heavily sun-tanned Colm O'Rourke was wearing yellow trousers and was speaking in Italian and Latin, but apart from that it was business as usual. Armagh and Tyrone. Let's just say it was a rather robust contest.

Half-time. "Each defence has an extra man, they're trying to close the door - the Italians have a name for it: catenaccio," said O'Rourke, sounding like he was born beside the San Siro.

"Very exotic Colm, very exotic," said an astounded Joe Brolly, who never knew O'Rourkelloni had it in him. "He'll be using Latin next," he giggled.

Moments later. "You're looking for the Latin: tempus fugit, time flies, I think it's marched on for Armagh," said O'Rourkimus. Brolly's spectacles almost fell off, all Michael Lyster could do was summon a commercial break.

"I didn't know he was educated," Brolly said to Lyster.

But after writing Armagh off O'Rourkimus will be persona non grata in Tyrone. "Carpe diem," Joe Kernan must have said to his boys at half time, and they did - although they left it rather late. When they levelled, through Paddy McKeever, Marty Morrissey was so overcome tempus fugited like never before: "Paddy McKeever has done what Paul McGrane did 13 years . . . 13 weeks ago . . . 13 days ago."

In the end it was a magnus opus by Armagh. Big Joe left Croke Park declaring "veni, vidi, vici". Armagh go on, ad infinitum. Or, as Tyrone might put it, "ad bloody nauseum".