An e-mail virus can be catching

Monday. Brendan e-mails me triffic website Football 365's "Ten Ways In Which Man Utd Are Already Like A Baseball Team". Highlights:

(1) Babe Ruth is central to baseball folklore. Babes called Ruth are central to Dwight Yorke's plans for next Saturday night.

(2) Baseball is played with long, thin planks of wood. Manchester United matches are played with Philip Neville at left back. (3) Baseball games can take around three hours. Much like Manchester United games when they're 1-0 down with 89 minutes gone.

(4) Pleasant but somewhat dopey superstar Yankees player Joe Di Maggio was rarely out of the newspapers after he married publicity-hungry, weight-obsessed Marilyn Monroe. Remind you of anyone?

(5) Most people in this country don't like baseball.

Reply to Brendan. He replies back. Accuses me of being uncouth. I e-mail him a computer virus. Haven't heard from him since.

Later on Monday. Receive several warnings from a flood of male people about latest e-mail virus. The one I forwarded to Brendan. "Be fierce careful," they tell me. "This is a nasty one."

"How do I identify it," I ask, chucklin'. "Well . . . err . . . dum de dum . . . best be off."

"How do I identify it?" "Um, it promises to deliver a picture of a tennis player and, um, when you try and open the picture your computer, well, pretty much, um, blows up. Um."

"Okay, but which tennis player?"

"Um, y'know, some female tennis legend - bye now."

"Come back here. Betty Stove?"

"Nope."

"Billy Jean?"

"God no."

"Chuckle . . . Anna . . . dum de dum . . . Kournikova?"

"Well . . . look . . . I think she has a fabulous sliced cross-court backhand and, um, her top-spin forehand raspers are simply stunning but, um, the truth is - Gawd, how do I put this - she's not unsightly. So, um, can you truly blame me - me being a vibrant, pulsating, testosterone-fuelled boy person - for wanting to have a peek at a picture of said goddess?"

"So, your computer has a virus then?"

"It does. Yes."

"All because the lady with the fabulous sliced cross-court backhand loves Milk Tray?"

"Is that the time?"

Tuesday. Peter e-mails me a link to a website that goes by the name of The Bladder. Have a look. "Wicketkeeper Adam Gilchrist has been suspended from the Australian cricket team for two matches after a stump microphone picked up comments that the ACB has described as `embarrassing and un-Australian'.". Eh?

"Gilchrist was keeping during the recent match with Zimbabwe when Andy Flower played a slashing cover drive off Shane Warne. As the ball sped to the fence, the microphone clearly picked up Gilchrist saying: `Nice shot Andy, well played.' A Channel 9 spokeswoman admitted the station's switchboard `lit up with angry callers' demanding an apology after the remark could clearly be heard on the TV broadcast." Heuston, we have a gem.

Later on Tuesday. Aidan e-mails me transcript of Ali G's interview with David Beckham and Posh Spice, done in aid of Comic Relief (to be aired next month). Ali: "Okay, how old is Brooklyn now?" Posh: "He's nearly two". Ali: "So is your little boy starting to put whole sentences together?" Posh: "He's learning bits and pieces." Ali: "And what about Brooklyn?"

Reply to Aidan. He replies back. Accuses me of being uncouth. I e-mail him a computer virus. Haven't heard from him since.

Wednesday. Receive e-mail from Anthony, a student at NUIG. Reply and ask Anthony to do me a favour: get me some NUIG hockey phone numbers and email addresses. He does. Hero. But. "Not sure about PRO's mobile number. Might have missed last digit, slightly embarrassing reading ladies hockey club noticeboard and writing phone numbers down, so was in a bit of a rush." Sorry Anthony. Hope you weren't spotted.

Thursday. Aileen e-mails me. "Did you see this? Linford Christie has accused Sebastian Coe of a `racial slur' in the war of words between two former Olympic champions. Christie said he had been `shocked' at the outspoken attack by Coe in his column in the Daily Telegraph. Coe said Christie had made himself deliberately unintelligible to all but those with a passing knowledge of jive." Crikey. What did Linford have to say about this? "Well, he said `I didn't go to Loughborough University, that's why I get on so well with people'." Titter. And? "He mentioned, in a rather pointed fashion, that when Coe retired from athletics he joined the Tories and became a senior aide to William Hague." So, even if Linford has had nandrolone problems, compared to Coe, at least his conscience is clean? "Exactly."

Friday. Receive letters in post from Brendan and Aidan. Wot? No e-mail? "Well," they say. "Much as we are overwhelmed by the magnificence of Anna . . . dum de dum . . . Kournikova's top-spin forehand raspers she's . . ."

Not unsightly?

"No."

Hence your computer viruses. Dum de dum.