Looking after the elderly: ‘I’m so glad that we made the decision to include him in our family life’

Family dynamics and situations change over the years, and sometimes the family home must also adapt to accommodate new situations.

In many countries, having different generations living under the one roof is the norm and adjustments are made for elderly grandparents, who may no longer be able to climb stairs with ease.

But, while sharing our living space with extended family members isn’t widespread in Ireland, more than 15 per cent of the Irish population are over the age of 65. While many older people are living independent and active lives, there is a large cohort who are either living with their adult children, or have had their homes adapted to suit their changing needs.

This is true of Margaret Ryan who, over a year ago, moved in with her son Sean and his family, as she was no longer able to navigate her own home in safety.

How Ireland drinks now: Teetotallers, wine-o’clockers and ex-drinkers

---

Mark Moriarty: two 15-minute meals made easy, with a few simple tricks

---

Every time I travel abroad I am gripped by the fear that Ireland is making a fool of me

---

A personal housing plan: Move to Newry, buy for €150,000 less, commute to Dublin

---

“Mum has always been very independent and never wanted to be a burden to me or my sister,” says Sean. “But there came a time when it was apparent that she was finding everyday life difficult. She had been living in a small two-bedroom house since my dad passed away 10 years ago, and although I live over an hour away, I always visited her several times a week, to bring shopping or cooked meals and also to do any jobs which might need doing around the place.

[ Bathroom makeover guide: the mistakes to avoid and what to get right ]

“I began to notice that she seemed slower and more hesitant in herself and although she had always been very house-proud, there were days when the place would be in a real mess as if she didn’t have the energy to clear up. The house was also very cold and even though I made sure that her oil tank was kept topped up, she was reluctant to use it.”

After speaking to his sister, Sean decided that the only solution was for her to move in with him, as he had a bigger garden so could accommodate an extension, which would give her some privacy, but also a feeling of independence.

The father-of-three, who lives in Galway, applied for planning permission for a “granny flat” adjacent to his house and when this was granted, he set about making a new home for his 82-year-old mother.

“I knew it would be a big move for her, both emotionally and physically, so I did my best to take things slowly,” he says. “Mum agreed that she would like to be closer to us, but I think she was worried about being a burden, but we assured her that we, in particular our two children who are still living at home, would love the company. She seemed really delighted at the prospect and after staying with us for Christmas 2021, once my daughter went back to college – she is studying abroad – Mum moved into her bedroom while waiting for work to be done.

“This was great, because when work started on the extension, she was on hand to see it and would pop down to chat to the builders every day about what they were doing and to see their progress. They started the work in March and by June, the construction work was all done and we were able to begin decorating it for her.

“This was the fun part and she really enjoyed bringing all her favourite bits and pieces from home and seeing the new space become more familiar.”

The one-bedroom, one-bathroom extension also has a small kitchenette and a seating area so Margaret can watch TV or spend time alone if she wishes. She has been living there for almost a year now, and Sean says it was the best decision he has ever made.

“I took out a small loan to extend the house, but knowing that Mum is safe and happy is priceless and I am sure that at some stage in the future, if we ever decide to sell the property, the extension will have added value to it,” he says. “The work took a couple of months but didn’t really impact on our lives at all. And now that she has settled in, she has the freedom to do her own thing and can have company when she wants it. It has really been worth the effort and I’m so glad that we encouraged her to move.”

Angela and Mark Lynch have also adapted their home to accommodate elderly relatives. Mark’s father lived with them for a time before he passed away five years ago, and last year, Angela’s mother moved in so they could be on hand to look after her, as she was recently diagnosed with dementia.

Mark’s Dad, Frank, moved in with them about six years ago when he was going through treatment for cancer, as his mum was no longer around. “We wanted to ensure that he had company and care for the last few months of his life,” says Angela.

Money doesn’t come into it as it is a small price to pay for knowing that your parents are safe and well and that you have done your absolute best to take care of them as they once did for us

—  Angela Lynch

“So we turned what was the kids’ playroom into a downstairs bedroom so that Frank could be in the midst of family life, and even if he was too ill to get out of bed, he could have the door open if he wanted to be part of the hustle and bustle, and closed if he needed a nap.

“We felt that he needed to be fully independent downstairs, so we installed a shower into the downstairs bathroom, which had some wasted space in it and knocked through from the new bedroom so there is now a door on both sides.”

After that, the couple also kitted out the room as a bedroom and ensured that everything he needed was within reach. “He was only with us for nine months before he went into a hospice and then passed away and, although it was a very sad time for everyone, I’m so glad that we made the decision to include him in our family life as it was important for everyone to be together.”

As well as adapting the bathroom and repurposing the playroom, the couple, who live in Co Dublin, also added a small ramp to their front and back door and a railing so Frank could have easier access to the outside world. The modifications cost “about €15,000″ but they say it has been worth it.

“My mam is now living with us as it is not safe for her to be living on her own, and I really didn’t want her to go into a home,” says the mother-of-three. “We took out a loan to make the changes to the house and although we were more than happy to do it, we were able to pay it back when Frank died as Mark and his sisters all got a small, equal, amount of money from the sale of his own house. But, to be honest, money doesn’t come into it as it is a small price to pay for knowing that your parents are safe and well and that you have done your absolute best to take care of them as they once did for us.”

[ Buy a rug, choose good lighting, get a parasol: Top tips to make the most of your outdoor space ]

The couple are now considering further changes for her mother, as she can’t really be left on her own at all. “It’s a bit like having a toddler in the house,” says Angela, adding that they’re thinking of something like a half door that can be put on her bedroom.

“So if, for any reason, we are all occupied, she can be in there safely watching her TV with the top half of the door open so she isn’t actually closed in away from us, but she can’t go rambling either.

“It might seem like a bit of hassle at the time to start making physical changes to your house, but family is everything and your parents will not be around forever so, as far as I’m concerned, it’s worth it.”