Miriam Lord: It’s the most elite list in town, but who’s made it on to the Kremlin’s naughty steppe?

Fear and panic gripped Leinster House on Wednesday.

Ashen-faced TDs and Senators feverishly refreshed their phones as the afternoon wore on.

Anxious glances in the corridors. Urgent whispers in corners. Nervous tension in the Members’ Bar.

You could have cut the air with a Babushka’s dumpling knife.

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“Any more names?”

“Are you on it?”

“Where’s the list?”

“Still not out yet?”

“Surely to God Coveney has it by now!”

“You’re a journalist. You should know.”

It was the agony of not knowing that tormented them the most. By teatime, the politicians were pure sick with worry and the suspense was slowly killing them.

Completely understandable.

You see, once it emerged earlier in the day that the Russians have compiled a blacklist of Irish politicians who are now considered enemies of the Motherland and are accordingly banned from entering the country, membership of this exclusive club instantly became the hottest ticket in town.

A statement was issued by the foreign ministry in Moscow accusing Ireland of conducting an aggressive anti-Russian propaganda campaign under orders from Brussels. In retaliation for this action by the Government in cahoots with fellow EU Russophobes, a decision was taken to put “52 representatives of the leadership and politicians of Ireland in the Russian ‘stop list’”.

[ Government to call in Russian ambassador after Taoiseach and more than 50 other Irish officials are banned from entering country ]

This startling development was first mentioned on the floor of the Dáil by Neale Richmond, the Fine Gael TD for Dublin Rathdown who has made a nice little niche for himself as a commentator on Brexit and international affairs.

“In the last couple of hours we have seen that the Russian Federation has taken the decision to sanction yourself, the Ceann Comhairle, a number of Cabinet Ministers and members of this House and, indeed, the Seanad,” he told the Taoiseach, who didn’t look particularly put out by this turn of events.

News of the ban was conveyed in “an absolutely disgraceful statement”, said the scandalised backbencher, pointing out that it ended with a line from the Russian Government about being guided by its embassy in Dublin on whether further retaliatory measures will have to be taken.

“This is a really disappointing occurrence and it’s just a further act from a terrorist regime which is raining misery on our continent,” said Neale. “Is it not finally time to shut down the Russian embassy in my own constituency, to expel the ambassador and cut off the constant channel of misinformation, disinformation and aggression from these so-called diplomats?”

Micheál was bearing up very bravely, under the circumstances.

“I thank the deputy for alerting me to this news that I am sanctioned,” he smiled, looking very bemused. “It’s a new development. I don’t think I’ve ever been sanctioned before. So, I’ll keep you updated on that, okay?”

If anything, the Taoiseach seemed rather chuffed. In fact, he had to laugh.

It seems the ferocity of the Kremlin’s wrath is to be decided by our old pal, ambassador Yury Fibalot, clearly still sulking over that incident when a man crashed a truck belonging to an ecclesiastical supplies company through the gates of his diplomatic bunker in Orwell Road.

“One of the consequences of fuelling Russophobic hysteria in Irish society was the attack on the Russian Embassy in Dublin in March of this year,” noted Moscow in the bombshell statement which plunged the Irish political establishment into a tailspin.

Rubbish. There is no Russophobic hysteria in Irish society. His Excellency Mr Fibalot has completely misread the situation. Perhaps it’s a language thing.

Comical Yury must have been thinking of the recent outbreak of “Rossaphobic” hysteria, which was quite rampant but confined to the ranks of Sinn Féin. It was brought on by the publication of Shane Ross’s biography of their leader, Mary Lou McDonald, but things have quietened down for now.

This latest caper is “part of a broader propaganda war being waged by Russia”, Micheál told deputy Richmond, indicating he isn’t thinking of giving ambassador Fibalot the boot anytime soon.

“We all have to stand together across Europe on this. Diplomatic channels are the last resort, always. Diplomacy matters, no matter how unpalatable it can be. Cool heads are always required in situations like this.”

This is all very well and good for Micheál Martin, who knows that he is included on Fibalot’s famous blacklist. But the statement specifically mentioned “52 representatives of the leadership and politicians of Ireland” and only named a handful.

“The list of Irish citizens who are no longer allowed to enter the Russian Federation includes, in particular, Prime Minister M Martin, his deputy L Varadkar, Chairman of the Dáil (lower house of parliament) S Ó Fearghaíl, Minister of Foreign Affairs and Minister of Defence S Coveney, Minister of Justice H McEntee, Minister of Finance P Donohoe, as well as a number of senators and deputies of the lower house of parliament.”

So that makes just seven VIP politicians on Yury’s naughty steppe.

Who are the others?

In Leinster House, you are nothing if you are not on Fibalot’s List. Apart from Richard Boyd Barrett and chums, who don’t care and are highly unlikely to figure anyway. An angry Taoiseach said he was “disturbed” by the People Before Profit TD’s remark that “the decision of the Putin regime to sanction you and other Ministers is a further worrying sign about what is happening to our reputation as a neutral country”.

It was “an outrageous assertion”, he fumed. “We are militarily neutral. We are not members of any alliance.”

Meanwhile, outside the chamber, the TDs and Senators were wondering if they too had made the grade with the Russians. Calls were being made to senior advisers. Ministers were being mithered. The word filtered out from the Orwell Road bunker that it might be a day or two before all the identities are revealed.

“That fecking list is the most sought-after thing in Leinster House today,” said a Government source on Wednesday evening. It’s like they think they are up for the Time 100 list of most influential people or the 40 under 40 list of global leaders. It’s hilarious. Loads of them are terrified they won’t be on Russia’s radar and it’s driving them mad.”

They should be put out of their misery soon enough.

As for proud son of Cork Micheál Martin, it’s taken well over a century but Russia has finally returned the compliment to Ireland all those years after the Skibbereen Eagle printed those famous lines about keeping its eye on the Tsar.

And Russia’s Rathgar Chicken Hawk is keeping its eye on the Taoiseach.