When I hear the word culture, I reach for my Bible

NEWTON'S OPTIC:AFTER LAST week's row over creationism, Orangeism and Ulster-Scots history at the Ulster Museum, The Irish Timesreveals further letters from Stormont's Culture Minister to the North's leading heritage attractions.

Dear Sir,

I very much enjoyed my recent visit to the Ulster Folk and Transport Museum in Cultra. However, I was struck by how little prominence is given in your exhibits to pneumatic tyres. As you know, pneumatic tyres were invented by John Dunlop, an Ulsterman of Scottish descent. I feel it is important to recognise that tyres are the only thing the Ulster-Scots have ever really tried to blow up.

Yours in Christ,

Nelson McCausland

Dear Sir,

I very much enjoyed my recent visit to the Marble Arch Caves and Geopark in Fermanagh. However, I was struck by how little prominence was given in your exhibits to Orange arches. As you know, Orange arches adorn many streets in Northern Ireland during the month of July, much to the delight of local cavemen. I feel you should demonstrate this by erecting an Orange arch in your cave, or in your Geopark, whatever that is.

Yours in Christ,

Nelson McCausland

Dear Sir,

I very much enjoyed my recent visit to the Armagh Planetarium. However, I was struck by how little prominence is given in your exhibits to the Ballymena-centric model of the universe. As you know, everything in the universe revolves around Ballymena.

I feel this merits its own audio-visual display, given that so many people in Northern Ireland think the sun shines out of Ian Paisley’s asteroid.

Yours in Christ,

Nelson McCausland

Dear Sir,

I very much enjoyed my recent visit to the Bushmills Distillery. However, I was struck by how little prominence was given in your exhibits to non-alcoholic beverages. As you know, Protestants are not averse to a stiff lime cordial at social gatherings. I feel you should respect our society’s vibrant diversity by offering elderflower spritzer as well as whiskey at the end of the tour.

Yours in Christ,

Nelson McCausland

Dear Sir,

I very much enjoyed my recent visit to the Exploris Aquarium in Portaferry. However, I was struck by how little prominence is given in your exhibits to the orange roughy. As you know, the orange roughy is a large-mouthed bottom feeder on the brink of extinction. While not to everyone’s taste, I feel that more people should know it still lurks around Ireland in small numbers.

Yours in Christ,

Nelson McCausland

Dear Sir,

I very much enjoyed my recent visit to the St Patrick’s Centre in Downpatrick. However, I was struck by how little prominence is given in your exhibits to St Patrick’s Britishness. As you know, St Patrick was a Roman Briton who was kidnapped by Irish savages. He later returned to what is now the British part of Ireland to try and civilise the natives. I feel you could reflect this by hanging a large Union Jack outside and adopting the motto “Britain’s Civilising Mission”. This is, of course, a simple matter of equality.

Yours in Christ,

Nelson McCausland