Primary school for lapsed Catholic sector has mass appeal

NEWTON'S OPTIC:All our teachers are lapsed Catholics

DEAR PARENT

Thank you for your interest in St Ruairí’s Primary, formerly Our Lady of the Blessed Ethos.

As you may know our school recently transferred from church patronage to the lapsed Catholic sector, which caters specifically to the entire population.

As a lapsed Catholic primary school we welcome pupils of all faiths and none, treating each child equally without fear or favour.

We may have mixed feelings about Catholics and conflicted feelings about non-Catholics but overall that still balances out as treating each child equally.

St Ruairí’s occupies a pleasant site with all the latest in lapsed Catholic facilities. Our library is uncensored, our canteen serves meat on Fridays and our Gaelic pitches are mainly there for social and business purposes. We do not use the old chapel but we have not converted it into anything we might use. The statue of Mary in the lobby is affectionately and ironically maintained.

Currently all our teachers are lapsed Catholics but they have lapsed for a wide variety of reasons, from simple laziness through to unorthodox personal lives. Our current board of governors includes a university lecturer, a charity director and a former member of Democratic Left.

Whatever your feelings about such people, rest assured that you could not hate them more than they already hate themselves. Together with our trustee partners on the Lapsed Catholic Board we provide an inclusive learning environment that values the diversity of non-Catholics over the monotony of Catholics, apart from non-Irish Catholics who are valuably diverse as well.

A typical day at St Ruairí’s begins with a brief religious assembly, but only to serve as a comforting ritual. Singing and praying are optional while spontaneous applauding is increasingly tolerated. Pupils with the requisite stereo equipment may replace any hymn with a popular ballad.

Prayers may also be suggested before some lessons but only in a random and self-conscious manner.

Mass may be scheduled for special occasions before then being cancelled at the last minute because the priest has not turned up. Pupils may opt out of this at any time by declaring they are bored.

RE [religious education] is compulsory but treats all faiths equally (see “treating each children equally”, above). We aim to imbue lapsed Catholic values in every subject, quietly discouraging multiplication beyond three for example, or teaching children not to like certain things in art without really knowing why. Our syllabus has been developed in line with the national lapsed Catholic curriculum, which emphasises the importance of getting around to everything eventually.

Discipline is essential to the good running of any school and here at St Ruairí’s we take this very seriously. Pupils are required to feel vaguely guilty at all times, often years after they last did something wrong. This is supported by a strict policy of only being strict when they least expect it. Where behaviour does not improve, teachers may dress up as nuns and jump out of cupboards.

If you would like your child to enrol and are from a non-Catholic background, just come along on the first day of term. We will be almost embarrassingly glad to see you. Otherwise, complete the attached form and take your child to Mass once before the age of five. Any more than that would embarrass us all.