Ordained gardaí could hear confession and sentence sinners on the spot

NEWTON'S OPTIC: HOW CAN the confessional seal be abolished while maintaining the priest- penitent relationship? We take a look at some of the options.

Admission box

A double-width confessional with a priest hiding behind a screen on one side and a judge hiding behind the Constitution on the other. It is for the judge to rule if a crime has been confessed, although only another judge can rule if it has been confessed to. Admission boxes would be expensive to run but they would pay for themselves if they prevented a single tribunal. Imagine how cost-effective this would have been while Fianna Fáil was in charge.

CCTV

Closed Confessional Television would see a network of cameras installed in churches throughout Ireland. However, as with other CCTV systems, none of the footage would be examined until long after it was obvious a crime had taken place and most of it would never be admissible in court anyway.

Ordained gardaí

With only seven Protestants in the Garda and only three seminarians left in Maynooth, it is a wonder this has not been considered earlier. An ordained garda, or “Father Officer”, could hear confessions at any consecrated Garda station and judge at once if they merited a decade of the rosary or a decade in Portlaoise. A file could then be sent to the Vatican or the Director of Public Prosecutions accordingly.

Nama-fess

Each confessional would be replaced with a “good box”, still run by the church, and a “bad box” run by the State. Non- criminal sins would remain church business while criminal sins would be taken off their books. The process of transferring sinners from the good box to the bad box would be known as a “Hail Mary pass”.

Unicefessional

You haven’t done anything wrong, let alone broken any laws, but if the priest thinks you might bring bad publicity, he can activate a holier-than-thou mechanism that turfs you out regardless.

Confession+

Newly launched by Gargle Labs (motto: “Don’t Hide Evil”) Confession+ is the social media tool that lets you “friend” others into your absolution, like the Garda, Alan Shatter or a drop-down menu of bishops. Similar programs exist but they make your sins known to all. Confession+ lets you group your friends into seven “circles of hell”, so you can confess an envious thought to everyone, a lustful thought to everyone except your wife or a serious crime to just your priest and your solicitors.

Bankrupt’s box

This is a standard-sized confessional with a steel door. If the priest decides the penitent is morally bankrupt, the door is automatically locked for at least 12 years, which should be sufficient punishment for anything.

Consultessional

This would be an otherwise unmodified confessional with a direct line to the Department of Finance. If the priest suspects a crime has been admitted, he can pick up the phone and seek outside legal advice up to a value of €40 million. If he also seeks outside theological advice, the department won’t see any problem with that either.