Extra, extra, read all about it (except the good bits we can't print)

NEWTON'S OPTIC: 'The Regulated News of the World' will light up readers' lives

THIS SUNDAY sees the launch of our exciting new tabloid The Regulated News of the World.Here's a taste of what British readers can expect.

Saucy vicar

A vicar has been having an affair.

“You can’t print my name or anything about me,” said the saucy vicar (58).

“I am not a public figure and have a right to privacy. You have no public interest defence for this story and singling out a vicar may also breach hate crime and equality legislation.

“If I hear from you again I will call the Statutory Press Complaints Commission. Good day.”

Dirty footballer

A premier league footballer has been cheating on his wife.

“Child protection laws apply to this case,” said the footballer’s solicitor (58).

“As my client has children, printing anything about him makes you a paedophile.”

Celebrity scandal

A well-known celebrity is embroiled in a scandal.

“You can’t write about this,” said the well-known celebrity (58).

“I have a doctor’s note saying it has made me suicidal, so anything you print could breach my right to life, which takes precedence over your right to free expression. The case law on this is very well established, as you’d know if it wasn’t all super-injuncted.”

Angry judge

A man has been charged with an offence.

“You are in contempt of court,” said an angry judge (58).

“Jurors might Google ‘man charged with an offence’ and cause the trial to collapse. Nothing can be published before the verdict and don’t even think about criticising the sentence. That would almost certainly constitute harassment.”

Sleazy politician

An politician has paid a prostitute on expenses.

“You are not at liberty to print this,” said the sleazy politician.

“My expenses are the subject of an official inquiry, which you may not prejudice before its conclusion sometime in 2019.

“You will also be summoned before the inquiry to establish how you heard about the inquiry. If you have any questions, contact the chair of the inquiry.”

Bungling bureaucrat

A top civil servant has been accused of incompetence.

“You can’t publish anything without including my reply,” said the bungling bureaucrat (58).

“I have a legal right of reply and I must see your story first to draft a response.

“I should have that ready for you by 2019.”

Hospital horror

A surgeon has removed the wrong kidney.

“Printing this will cause undue alarm and distress,” said a hospital press officer (58).

“You have breached patient-doctor confidentiality by allowing a patient to talk about a doctor.

“If you typed their names into a word-processor there is also a data protection issue.”

Dodgy firm

A major corporation is suspected of corruption.

“How did you find out about this?” asked a company director, (58).

“Did you hack our computers? Did you pay an investigator? Was any form of deception or subterfuge involved? Our lawyers think you’ve broken the Statutory Press Complaints Code. If you wish to dispute this in court, please deposit a surety of £10 million.”

Lying politician

A politician has been telling lies.

“How did you get this number?” asked the lying politician (58).

“You have clearly been trading in personal information. I am hanging up now to call the police.”-