Detailing the substance of how this great little country works

NEWTON'S OPTIC:AS CONCERN mounts about drug use in media circles, we bring you the stories of the week on a range of mind-altering substances:

THE ELECTION

ON CANNABIS

Fianna Fáil should pass it on, they’ve had it for ages. They gave the guy beside them a go and he looked a bit Green for a while, so it must be good stuff. You’d think it was theirs the way they’re hanging on to it, but they got it from some German guy, didn’t they? Oh, wait a minute, I think they’re finished – no, they’re having another draw! This is ridiculous. People are starting to get hungry.

SOCIAL PARTNERSHIP

ON ECSTASY

Isn’t this great? I know we’ve all just met, but it feels like we’re totally in sync. Would you like some water? Pass it around and the chewing gum. Take as much as you want, I brought loads with me. There’s a party after this, bring everyone you know and stay as long as you like. No, hang on. What am I doing with these people? We’ve got absolutely nothing in common.

THE BAILOUT

ON ACID

If you look through the numbers you’ll see that Ireland is in the red, or is it the yellow? It’s turning from one to the other. Run a finger down the numbers and it splits into two fingers, one red and one yellow, then merges into one finger again, except now it’s blue . . . (continued for the next five hours).

THE MURPHY REPORT

ON MUSHROOMS

They did what? For how long? That’s amazing. And terrible. It’s amazing and terrible. Let’s be quiet for a bit, like, for 19 years. Shhh. Shhh. They did what? For how long? Do you think there are any priests in here? I’ve got this weird feeling there’s a priest in here.

THE GOVERNMENT JET

ON SPEED

The thing about the Air Corps Learjet, right, is that it’s fast. Really fast. But it’s also dirty. Really dirty. There are far cleaner ways of getting to the same place, although they won’t get you as high. But my God it’s fast. If your head of state needs a rush, you just can’t beat it. The come-down can be a bit bumpy, of course, but that’s what you get for landing on a racecourse.

WIKILEAKS

ON KETAMINE

Julian was just horsing around – he didn’t do it consciously. Then he got a real buzz and it felt like the whole world was looking at him, but only for a moment, which soon passed. To be honest, he should have had everyone vetted.

THE WEATHER

ON COCAINE

There’ll be a heavy dusting of snow across the whole country and listen to me when I’m talking, I’m giving you the forecast. It’ll be nearly as heavy as that time I went skiing. Let me tell you about the time I went skiing. No, I don’t want to hear about the time you went skiing.

SINN FÉIN

ON HEROIN

It’s all so squalid and nasty and horrible and, hey, they’ve had a shot in the arm. Suddenly it’s heaven, paradise, everything’s wonderful. No more debt or division, all gone, completely painless, no downside to anything. They’re on top of the world. Feeling sleepy now, very sleepy. Go to sleep Ireland. You’ll probably wake up.