AN IRISHMAN'S DIARY

RECENTLY, I had a conversation with a taxi man who is thoroughly fed up with the modern woman. Shortly below we spoke, he had been propositioned by a girl who had married a friend of his just two weeks before. And he had delivered home another who talked frankly to him about being thrown out of a nightclub earlier that night for becoming too intimate in public there with her father's best friend. She then detailed the passionate aftermath, which she told him was the best such experience she ever had.

Now this taximan is in his 30s and has had a number of consecutive, long term relationships. But not any more. He can't take the pain. So he doesn't become emotionally involved anymore. Now he has sexual relationships. He makes it clear to the woman involved that that is all there will be, and so far that has been acceptable to his (serial) partners too.

But he's not happy with that anymore either. He would like a wife. Like the oriental girl he used to live with in the States. She was so much into him and the relationship that that was all she wanted from life. She was so attached to the home, he had to plead with her to go out with him for a night. She never looked at another man. His recollection of her is full of wist. He's thinking of going to the East. He told his mother he might go to India and find a wife. His mother approves.

Women to Blame

There are four in his family. All are adults, but neither he nor his two brothers are married. His younger sister is. He believes his father is embarrassed about this before his friends - that they might think the reason none of his sons have married could be because, maybe, his own marriage was not so good. But it was a good marriage. No, the taximan doesn't blame his parents. He blames the modern woman, the playgirls of the Western world.

On a visit home recently, I came across a document which would probably warm the cockles of the taximan's heart. My sister in law, Eithne, brought it to my attention and thinks it simply one of the most hysterical things she has ever come across. So too would most of "the sisters".

It is an excerpt from a 1950s American home economics textbook, and is titled How to be a Good wife. It reads:

"Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and a well prepared, warm meal is a warm welcome home.

"Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so that you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

Haven of Rest

"Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, papers, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order and it will give him a lift.

"Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

"Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.

"Some don'ts: don't greet him with problems and complaints. Don't complain if he is late for dinner. Count this minor compared to what he might have been through that day. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest that he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool (or warm) drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow - and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

"Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him speak first!

"Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other pleasant entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to unwind and relax.

"The goal: try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax in body and spirit (its emphasis)".

Those were the days. Where did we go wrong guys? How did we let it all just slip away?

No wonder America became great, with that army of house wives offering themselves up to the service of their men. And how!

Eithne also has the following posted up in the kitchen. It is A 17th century Nun's Prayer, but really applies to all old wives everywhere:

"Lord, thou knowest better than I that I am growing old, and will some day be old. Keep me from getting talkative and particularly from the fatal habit of thinking I must say something on every subject on every occasion.

"Release me from craving to try to straighten out everybody's affairs. Keep my mind free from the recital of endless details give me wings to get to the point.

"I ask for grace enough to listen to the tales of other's pains. Help me to endure them with patience. But seal my lips on my aches and pains - they are increasing and my love of rehearsing them becomes sweeter as the years go by.

Glorious lesson

"Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally it is possible that I may be mistaken. Keep me reasonably sweet I don't want to be a saint - some of them are so hard to live with - but a sour old woman is one of the crowning works of the devil.

"Make me thoughtful, but not moody; helpful but not bossy. With my vast store of wisdom it seems a pity not to use it all. But thou knowest, Lord, that I want a few friends at the end."

And now that I've offended all my politically correct friends, I'll stop right here.