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PHIL HOGAN’S determination “to finally draw a line under the electronic voting project” will be welcomed by all right-thinking citizens. I trust, however, that – in drawing it – he will not miss the chance to use one of the “stupid oul’ pencils” that Bertie Ahern so hated.
And that aside, if the Minister’s plan to flog the 7,500 voting machines to Irish pubs abroad doesn’t work, I would urge him to consider my previously-stated idea of making them the centrepiece of a new National Museum of Great Irish Failures.
Lined up like the Terracotta warriors (perhaps protecting an effigy of the emperor Bertie from the evils of graphite), they would help commemorate all the things that never quite took off on this island, or that flourished briefly before dying of shame and other complications.
Here’s my suggested list for the opening exhibition, which would of course be titled: A History of Ireland in 100 Rejects.
1. Snakes.
2. The Great Irish Elk.
3. Norsemen.
4. The fashion among Dublin residents for wearing hats with horns.
5. English rule.
6. The Statutes of Kilkenny.
7. Woods’s halfpence.
8. Organised soup-taking.
9. Use of unaspirated haitches.
10. (In certain Midland counties) Voluntary pronunciation of the letter T.
11. Bible-reading south of Newry.
12. The popularity of naming male children after St Fechin.
13. Bag-pipes.
14. Kilt-wearing (except when playing bag-pipes).
15. The Royal Canal.
16. The West Clare Railway.
17. Expecting help from our gallant allies in Europe.
18. The lumper potato.
19. The remedy of duelling as an alternative to the law courts.
20. Ulster saying Yes.
21. The Celtic Twilight.
22. The Hugh Lane museum (1913 version).
23. Romantic Ireland/ O’Leary/etc.
24. Arthur Griffith’s dual monarchy.
25. RMS Titanic.
26. The Boundary Commission.
27. The Blueshirts.
28. The home of a people who valued material wealth only as a basis for right living.
29. Of a people who, satisfied with frugal comfort, devoted their leisure to the things of the spirit.
30. A land whose countryside would be bright with cosy homesteads.
31. Whose fields and villages would be joyous with the sounds of industry, with the romping of sturdy children, the contest of athletic youths and the laughter of happy maidens, whose firesides would be forums for the wisdom of serene old age. Etc.
32. The Shannon drainage scheme.
33. The first-past-the-post voting system.
34. Finnegans Wake.
35. An Tóstal tourism festival.
36. The Tomb of the Unknown Gurrier.
37. Life on the Blaskets.
38. Pipe smoking among women.
39. Croquet.
40. The Kilkenny football team.
41. The hurling teams of Kerry and every county north of a line between Galway and Dublin, except Antrim (and maybe Down).
42. The Meath Gaeltacht.
43. Gold-mining on Croagh Patrick.
44. The DeLorean car company.
45. Cadbury’s Smash.
46. Leave it to Mrs O’Brien.
47. Murphy’s Microquiz-M.
48. Upwardly Mobile.
49. The Lyrics Board.
50. Ian Paisley’s Third Force.
51. Marching to and from church by the traditional route.
52. VAT on children’s shoes.
53. The Calor Housewife of the Year competition.
54. Stefan Klincewicz’s sure-fire plan to win the lottery.
55. Century Radio.
56. Erik de Bruin’s revolutionary new swim-training programme.
57. Guinness Light.
58. Guinness extra cold.
59. Guinness with a dash of blackcurrant.
60. The prospect of climate change ever giving rise to an Irish wine industry.
61. The Eircom share flotation.
62. Ennis, information age town.
63. The Millennium Clock.
64. Millennium trees.
65. The Y2K bug.
66. Social hugging.
67. Air-kissing.
68. Offering each other the sign of peace at times of threatened global pandemics.
69. Elaborate goal celebrations in Gaelic football.
70. The concept of men wearing puffy-sleeve shirts while Irish dancing.
71. The concept of Irish dancers raising their arms during performance at feiseanna.
72. The holy hour in pubs.
73. The holy hour in churches.
74. Calling Navan “An Uaimh”.
75. Daingean Uí Chúis.
76. Colour-coded orbital road signs.
77. The Westlink toll plaza.
78. Operation Freeflow.
79. Parisian-style book kiosks on Dublin’s Grattan Bridge.
80. The Joint Irish-Scottish bid for Euro 2008.
81. The Pirate Queen musical.
82. The Floozie in the Jacuzzi.
83. Cable-cars on the Liffey.
84. The Dublin Dons FC.
85. Compromise Rules.
86. E-voting.
87. The Bertie Bowl.
88. The Galway Tent.
89. The C***ic T**er.
90. Ireland’s Call.
91. Instant tea powder.
92. Prawn sandwiches.
93. Use of the term “nasal congestion” to describe the effects of a hangover.
94. Two-mile-Vegas.
95. Democracy Now.
96. Libertas.
97. Anglo-Irish Bank.
98. Light regulation.
99. The Clontarf Sea Wall.
100. (Barring a deal on debt cancellation) The next EU referendum.