Rules of Three – Frank McNally updates the ancient Triads of Ireland

Three nurses of theft: a wood; a cloak; a dark night.

Three assistant nurses of theft: a broken CCTV camera; revolving door justice; shops being able to blame price increases on the war in Ukraine.

Three rejoicings followed by sorrow: An early lead for Steven Kenny’s Ireland; the opening weekend of the GAA championships; a bright start to the day but rain spreading from the west later.

Three ornaments of wisdom: a degree in philosophy; a PhD; the quality of having a doctorate but not calling yourself doctor.

The Dublin-New York Portal didn’t show us Manhattan, just our badly-behaved selves

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Three ornaments of faith: the Child of Prague; the miraculous medal; a season ticket for the GAA championships.

Three rocky parts of Ireland: the Burren; the Stony Grey Soil; the Road to Dublin.

Three windy places in Dublin: Windy Arbour; Tonlegee Road; Leaders’ Questions in the Dáil.

Three smiles that are worse than sorrow: the smile of a lawyer presenting the bill; the smile of a Garda inviting you to explain the thing you just did at that last traffic light; the smile of someone saying: “My name is X and I’ll be your waiter for the evening.”

Three things that make a foolish man wise: Google; an Irish Times subscription; surreptitiously drinking non-alcoholic beer in a pub session.

Three things that make a wise man foolish: Wikipedia; strong alcohol; early season optimism about your county’s championship prospects.

Three Irish islands not surrounded by water: Usher’s Island; Islandmagee; River Island (Grafton Street branch).

The three main kinds of eejit: big eejit; buck eejit; the two ends of an eejit.

Three animals that are hard to catch: a scalded cat; a greased pig; an Aidan O’Brien-trained two-year-old.

Three slow-moving animals: the Red Cow at rush-hour; a rabbit in headlights; the horse you just backed in Paddy Power’s.

The three wonders of Connacht: Connemara; Ben Bulben; the eternal optimism of Mayo supporters.

Three reasons you don’t speak Irish fluently: It was taught badly in schools; Peig; the Modh Coinníollach.

Three ways to apologise without meaning it: Sorry if you were offended; There was wrong on all sides of the conflict; The song is not necessarily about the IRA.

The three glories of speech: brevity; soul; wit.

Three silences that are better than speech: The silence of the lambs; the Quiet Man; the 30 seconds of it that used to be brought to you by Guinness.

Three (short) speeches that are better than silence: “Break it up, lads”; “You’re not going out in that”; “Ah here.”

Three ways to persuade an Irish guest to have tea: “You will”; “you will”; “you will”.

And three more: “Go on”; “go on”; “go on”.

Three words that people say twice while encouraging, cautioning, or comforting others: Hear hear; Now now; There there.

Three random boasts of a Kerryman: “This is my town”; “This is my chip van”; “Oh no, ‘twas the truth in her eyes ever shining, that made me love Mary the Rose of Tralee.”

Three Roses not from Tralee: the one from Mooncoin, the lovely one from Clare; the last one of summer.

Three ways to avoid saying “Northern Ireland”: the North; the Wee North; the Black North.

And three more: The northern part of the island; the Six Counties; Our Wee Country.

Three unwelcome companions: the person who should be behind you in a queue but stands beside you to shorten the line; the drunk who’s just decided you’re his best friend; the fellow bus passenger now asleep on your shoulder and drooling.

Three contentious chants that rhyme (in Donegal): “Up the Ra”; “Who’s your Da?”; “Tiocfaidh ár lá”.

Three things for which a friend is hated: when you ask him how he’s doing and he tells you; sharing holiday pictures; having more hair than you.

Three reasons a well-brought up child turned to crime: There was a bad drop in him; he fell on his head as a baby; he got it from his father’s side.

Three signs of imminent trouble: Things fall apart; The centre cannot hold; Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world.

Three places you never want people to say you’ve gone: to a better place; away with the fairies; prison.

Three things that are unlikely to be fixed in the immediate future: the housing crisis; the health service; an Irish dancing competition.