Stand up for the stehpinklers

As you've probably heard by now, men are in crisis. We don't like to talk about it, obviously. But accused of everything from the destruction of the planet to an alleged inability to discuss emotional issues blah, blah, blah, in a mature way, we are a gender under siege. And that was even before the latest developments in Germany. According to a report in this paper's foreign pages last Saturday, which will ring alarm bells for men everywhere, members of our German branch now face a startling new addition to the charge-sheet. To wit: causing rust in bathroom radiators. The test case is an apartment block in Dresden, where male tenants have been given an ultimatum by the landlord (a man, incidentally, who will face disciplinary action from our organisation in due course). Sit down while urinating, is his stark message to male tenants, or pay for the corroded plumbing when you move out.

Our Berlin correspondent reports that the issue has repartitioned Germany, this time between stehpinklers (those who do it standing up) and sitzpinklers (those who sit). And not even Helmut Kohl can bridge the gap.

In fairness to the landlord, his action followed complaints from tenants that the bathroom radiators were being gradually dissolved. Submitting one for analysis, he learned that the cause was nitric acid in male urine; a situation explained by the fact that the radiators were located close to toilet bowls and within what scientists call the "spray area", which has a diameter of 1.28 metres.

The episode raises two important issues. Firstly, whatever about Germans, most Irishmen would have to submit themselves for analysis along with the radiator before they'd agree to sit down while peeing. But the second point is that the reported extent of the male spray area, while confirming everything women have suspected, will be a profound shock to many men. To put it in perspective, 1.28 metres is about the width of a Georgian doorway (which may explain why, in Dublin, doorways are such a popular choice for male urinary activity). For a gender that prizes accuracy - witness the simple joy men derive from the ability to bend a football 35 yards around the "wall" and through a tiny gap between the upright and the goalkeeper's despairing outstretched hand - it's an embarrassment. Many agricultural spraying implements don't have that big a range.

One consolation is that, so far, the case has been levelled only against German men, and a small number of them at that. There's no reason to suppose Germans are any less competent in this area than the rest of us, but there could very well be cultural differences. For example, it's worth noting that Bayern Munich's success in the Champion's League has been built on defensive strengths rather than, ahem, shooting ability.

Equally, however, there's no use denying that a more general problem exists here. The report from Germany touches on it ironically when it quotes a Mr Tilo Moller, a "known stehpinkler" who is resisting his landlord's edict thus: "If dear God had wanted us to sit, he would have changed how he fitted us out anatomically."

But the question of how God did fit us out anatomically is a vexed one. The equipment clearly suited our evolutionary forerunners, for whom urination probably performed a secondary role: that of marking out territory. Early man had large areas to cover (as it were). But what may have been a significant labour-efficiency for him wasn't such a good idea for late man, who not only is forced to live indoors, but often in small apartments, some with bathrooms less than 1.28 metres wide. Still, you work with what you have. And most of today's men will feel that we're doing a good job in difficult circumstances. Certainly, urination remains a proud male tradition, as witnessed by such colourful truisms as, in politics, that it is better to have a troublesome party member inside the tent pinkling out, than outside the tent, etc. I don't know why there's always a tent in that metaphor, but I can only assume it dates from the time of intermediate man.

(Memo: Idea for next week's column. Apply Dresden theme to ongoing Irish sports funding row. The Bertie "Bowl" [geddit?]. Government's projections very wide of mark. Critics of spending policy branded "left-wing pinklers".) The trend from Germany, if it is a trend, will be resisted even in other parts of continental Europe, especially Brussels, where a miniature stehpinkler is the city emblem. Nevertheless, the worry here must be that if German landlords can incorporate sit-down clauses in legally-binding lease agreements, an EU directive can't be far away.

Saturday's report quotes a survey indicating that as many as 44 per cent of German men would be prepared to sit "if it meant a quiet life". Of course, there's no way of knowing if they're telling the truth, and I suggest such findings should be considered to have a large spray area. Either way, I believe most Irishmen will cling to the status quo, with both hands, and continue to stand accused.

fmcnally@irish-times.ie