Unlike the Anglo signage, the taxpayer is still screwed

DÁIL SKETCH:ANGLO IRISH Bank unscrewed its name yesterday. It was quick and easy.

Now, if only they could repeat that process on the poor suffering taxpayer. Not a chance. For us, it’ll be a case of “lie back and think of Anglo” for a long, long time.

As the signage came down, the screws turned on the taxpayer a little bit more. What’s in a name? Oooh, about €30 billion, and counting . . . For heaven’s sake, it was even suggested in the Dáil that we should consider charging the Queen of England for her bed and breakfast when she visits next month. The woman is loaded and we’re totally skint, pointed out Joe Higgins.

Enda was aghast at the very notion. So was Micheál Martin. We may be on our uppers but we will never make a show of ourselves in front of the neighbours. The good china will be out and she’ll have the best of everything up to her nose, even if we have to sell off a few semi-States to pay for it.

If the two Fine Gael representatives from Kingstown have anything to do with it, the queen will be whisked out to Dún Laoghaire to retrace the steps of her royal ancestors. (The steps of George V, we hope, as opposed to George lV, who was somewhat the worse for drink when he visited in 1821).

Mary Mitchell O’Connor told the Dáil that the constituency is anxious to roll out the red carpet for Queen Elizabeth and Barack Obama. “The people there would be delighted to welcome them.”

If nothing else, it would at least afford Deputy Mitchell O’Connor another opportunity to wear those lovely diamante-studded nylons which have been a talking point around Leinster House in recent weeks.

Joe Higgins didn’t think much of Kingstown’s desire to attract some box office names. “Maybe they should switch the Monte Carlo rally to Dún Laoghaire,” he huffed. Not to be outdone, Mary’s colleague, the immaculate Peter Mathews, also made a pitch for Dún Laoghaire.

“This is an invitation of goodwill. It’s the season of Easter,” he declared. “The main thing is that these people get a good warm welcome . . . I would advise people not to over worry about the past, because every saint has a past and every sinner has a future, so reflect on that.”

Richard Boyd Barrett, also of the same parish, curled a disdainful lip. “I wonder will they go around throwing cake to the peasants?”

Gerry Adams was similarly unmoved by Peter’s little homily. “Fr Mathews,” he snorted.

Actually, Richard, a bit of cake would be nice, as we have none. We’ve eaten the national cake and now collectively bear the crumbs of shame. According to a Finnish banking expert, we steamed in like a herd of mad gnu and ate the entire pie chart. And now we have to pay. (No, no, Elizabeth! We wouldn’t dream of it! Put away that chequebook. The rashers and sausages are on the house. We insist).

Enda, with the full agreement of Micheál Martin, stressed that turning on the charm and putting on the kettle for the queen and the US president was “an investment for the future”. Rather like Colm McCarthy.

Richard Boyd Barrett is going to protest. Against the queen and the president and Colm McCarthy. Did Enda know that the last time a British monarch visited Ireland, a protest was organised by James Connolly? He does now, because Richard told him, with more than a hint of pride in his voice. We hear he is trying to grow a moustache in time for his imminent Connelly-esque protest. He kept saying the queen is coming over for “a jamboree”. If this is true, it’s quite a coup for the scouts.

And don’t even get him started on Obama. It’ll only set Joe Higgins off.

Too late.

Barack is coming over here in order to capture the Irish-American vote, said Higgins. “Is it not a little rich that the taxpayer, as well as bailing out European speculators, must now make a contribution to the re-election campaign of a United States president?”

Sure, it’ll be the making of us, argued Enda, but at much greater length.

“The Taoiseach will need something substantially more than the visit of these two individuals to enhance Ireland’s reputation,” shrugged Clare Daly of the Socialist Party.

Of course he will. It’s called a Colm McCarthy. He unveiled his latest austerity rib-tickler at a news conference in Buswell’s Hotel. It began at the precise moment that, just around the corner, the men in overalls began unscrewing the sign for Anglo Irish Bank.

Colm went through the various State assets that could be flogged off. As press conferences go, it was turgid stuff.

He cracked a joke when discussing the prospects for the Dublin Airport Authority. “It’s not in terminal trouble,” said Colm, in his crankily droll fashion.

The room collapsed, as if nitrous oxide had been pumped through the air vents. It wasn’t that funny. A leading economist, gripping his sides, explained: “In this business, it’s hilarious.”

So, under what name will the former Anglo Irish Bank trade? “CSI Ireland” was one suggestion. “Gobdaws – Almost Nationwide” was another.

Bad banks in a wind-down situation are said to be in “resolution” mode. The smart money is on the name incorporating this – as in No Resolution Ireland, Broken Resolution Bank, National Resolution Solution, or some such.

Or they could just rename it Sellafield.

Minister for Public Expenditure and Reform Brendan Howlin said he didn’t know what the new name would be – and he couldn’t care less either. He’s in charge of contemplating Colm’s latest round of recommendations.

We’re fascinated by “the State’s intangible assets”. Whatever they are. Black pudding? Bono? The Singing Reverend Fathers? Maeve Binchy? Stout? Mary Mitchell O’Connor’s diamante-studded hosiery? All up for grabs now.

On second thoughts, get that chequebook out, Liz.