Miriam Lord's Week

Now that the voting is over and we await the results, here are our election awards

MOST TOE-CURLING PHOTO-OPPORTUNITY AWARD

UNTIL THE final days of the campaign, the award was in the bag for Labour leader Eamon Gilmore. He made a mortifying attempt to cycle a recumbent bicycle along Merrion Street while trailing a sandwich board of Alex White posters.

In mitigation, at least he got the stunt on the news. This resulted in an occasion of terrible shock for the aged parent of this column. She saw a reclining Deputy Gilmore sliding across her TV screen by means of a mechanical contraption and thought he was in a wheelchair.

“I never knew that man wasn’t able to walk. Isn’t he marvellous all the same, God bless him.” But coming up fast on the rails in the dying stages, just like in the last general election, is Bertie Ahern.

On Tuesday evening of this week, brazen Bert, with De Udder Brudder in tow, turned up at the premiere of the new Eric Cantona movie and presented the Manchester United great with a Dublin jersey.

Director Ken Loach was incensed that Shameless of St Luke’s tried to “hijack” the occasion to get “cheap publicity” for De Udder Brudder’s faltering byelection campaign in Dublin Central.

However, Bertie-watchers were more astonished to hear that their man had actually given something to someone with Manchester connections.

Where Manchester and Bertie are concerned, the giving usually goes in the opposite direction.

The film’s writer, Paul Laverty, summed up Bertie’s effort to generate a photo-opportunity for his brother Maurice with a delicious soupçon of Cantona philosophising: “The higher a monkey climbs into the tree, the more you can see of its arse.”

The inscrutable Eric, who didn’t know the former taoiseach from Adam, was lost for words. However, he later promised Bertie he would help young Maurice get a start in a soccer career if the election didn’t work out.

And so the Most Toe-Curling Photo Op award must go to Bertie and De Udder Brudder.

MOST TRAVELLED POSTER AWARD

That honour goes to Danny Healy-Rae, who is seeking to retain his seat on Killarney County Council.

Images of the heavily-bearded Danny, who does not appear to share brother Michael and his father Jackie’s penchant for caps, popped up far beyond the electoral boundary. Danny’s poster materialised on lampposts in the Co Clare village of Crusheen, causing much confusion to motorists passing through.

Another large batch mysteriously appeared outside the donkey sanctuary in Liscarroll in Cork, a long way from Healy-Rae territory.

There may be an explanation for the migration of the posters. During the last general election, Jackie Healy-Rae posters appeared in numbers in Broadford in Clare. Upon investigation, it turned out that they had been nicked by lads on a stag weekend in Killarney.

It is presumed that Danny has suffered the same fate.

THE BLOOD’S UP AWARD

This one goes to Seosamh Ó Laoi, who was on the Fine Gael ticket for Connemara.

According to reports, the fiery businessman was rallying the troops in Lee’s of Lettermullen – party leader Enda Kenny was in attendance – when he finished his rousing speech with a sporting analogy.

“We’re like a football team that’s two points up with 10 minutes to go! We have to dig deep, stick at it and battle to the last!”

Whereupon Seosamh launched himself from the stage into the ranks of the cheering party faithful in the front rows, crowd-surfing for Enda and landing in the arms of Senator Fidelma Healy-Eames.

THE NEIGHBOURHOOD WATCH AWARD

This award was closely fought, particularly in the European elections where geographical boundaries were strictly enforced by party running mates.

Fine Gael tried unsuccessfully to engineer a spat between their candidates in Ireland East, but the chemistry of conflict never sparked between Mairéad McGuinness and John Paul Phelan the way it did last time out between Mairéad and Avril Doyle.

Then there was grumbling in Limerick over the fact that none of the big parties were fielding candidates from the county in Ireland South.

This led to various candidates proclaiming tenuous links to the treaty city – although it is doubtful that Brussels is that bothered about whether the Ireland South MEP comes from Dooradoyle, Douglas or Dingle.

In the Dublin byelections, much was made of whether candidates actually lived within the constituency they were contesting. In Dublin South, Fianna Fáil’s Shay Brennan’s sniped at Alex White and George Lee for living very close, but not close enough, to the constituency.

Although yesterday the boundaries worked to Shay’s advantage when a Fine Gael bus took a party of pensioners from Foxrock to vote, only for the disgruntled OAPs to be told the area was not in Dublin South for this election. “But we wanted to vote for George!” they complained.

But the award goes to Labour’s Ivana Bacik, who lives near Dublin Central, but not quite, and on the south side.

Much of the needling came from Fine Gael’s Paschal “Phibsboro and Proud” Donohoe, who saw Ivana as a big rival. There was hardly a mention that Fianna Fáil’s Maurice Ahern lives miles away in Malahide.

Each time the topic was raised, Ivana protested “my granny once lived in the North Circular Road”. Enough! The voters were electing a TD, not a new midfielder for the Republic of Ireland soccer team.

SONG OF THE CAMPAIGN AWARD

This gone goes to Alan Kelly of Labour. He has to be pick of the bunch for his Don't Make The Wrong Choice – Vote Alan Kellyrap. It was performed by Garry McCarthy (aka GMC) with music by Cork band, State of Jay.

It featured such magnificent lines as “We want no more bad economic news on the telly. So who’s the man to do it? Alan Kelly!”

Or how about: “His opinion isn’t outdated like lino in kitchens.”

And, best of all, “We need a politician with a mind like McGyver” (he of telly fame).

BEST ELECTION SLOGAN AWARD

By universal agreement, this seems to belong to Willie Crowley, running as an Independent candidate in Kildare. Everybody loved “It’s Time to Put Willie In!”

BEST ONE-LINER OF THE CAMPAIGN:

Pat Rabbitte, when given a 60th birthday cake by Ireland North West candidate Susan O’Keeffe. “My 40 years in politics didn’t seem as long as a Michael Woods interview.”

WHO’S YOUR DADDY AWARD

Nessa Childers. Not many people know this, but her father used to be President of Ireland.

HE AIN’T HEAVY, HE’S DE BRUDDER AWARD

Bertie.

DOES YOUR MOTHER KNOW YOU’RE OUT AWARD

Paschal Donohoe.

BEST KEPT SECRET AWARD

George Lee.

PUT A BLANKET OVER HIS CAGE UNTIL THE ELECTION, WE HAVE THIS IN THE BAG AWARD

George Lee.

UNLUCKIEST CANDIDATE

Alex White, when George Lee arrived on the scene.

DE POT CALLIN’ DE KETTLE BLACK AWARD

Bertie Ahern, reportedly saying Paschal Donohoe put out 14 different leaflets since March, because he’s been counting.

THE SHE STEPPED OUT AND SHE STEPPED IN AGAIN AWARD

Going jointly to Labour’s Nessa Childers, a Dub in Culchieland, and the Green Party’s Deirdre de Búrca, a culchie in Dubland.

WORST POSTER MAKEOVER AWARD

Dan Boyle of the Greens. “I am a painfully cool German Existentialist” was the caption blogged by Harry McGee.

BEST CELEBRITY CONNECTION AWARD

Dan Boyle of the Greens. We have been informed since our soaraway sensational revelation that he is a first cousin of reality TV star Susan Boyle, that Dan is, in fact, her second cousin.

Singing angel Boyle was being treated for stress in the Priory Clinic. Dan is made of sterner stuff, having endured defeat at the polls before. He won’t be hospitalised after the European election result on Sunday.

IF YOU’RE A BLUESHIRT COME INTO THE PARLOUR AWARD

This special award goes to Susan Keogan of Oscars Restaurant of Duleek, Co Meath.

The following press release arrives following an incident between Fine Gael canvassers on Thursday and the proprietor.

“As joint owner of both O’Neill’s Public House and Oscars Restaurant in Duleek, I wish to make the following statement: Deputy Enda Kenny TD and an entourage of 20 people were stopped by me from entering Oscars Restaurant today.

Deputy Kenny and his team wished to enter the restaurant during lunchtime, the busiest time of the day, to electioneer and canvass votes.

“I have a clear policy that my customers, whether in O’Neill’s or Oscars, are entitled to privacy and are never subjected to any form of canvassing. I apply this policy regardless of who turns up. I show no favour.

“I am a local FF member and a member of the national executive and I do not bring any FF material into either O’Neill’s Public House or Oscars. My partner Séamus O’Neill is a local candidate in the local elections and he has never canvassed in either location when people are not suspecting it.

“If Deputy Kenny had made a reservation to eat in Oscars, we would have been delighted for his custom.

“Personally, I have the height of regard for Shane McEntee, the local FG TD, who frequently dines here but there is an understanding that the customers comes first. My customers are my lifeline and I will not subject them to any form of canvassing from politicians or ticket sellers alike. When they come through the door of our pub or restaurant, our customers are KING.

“This is a place of business and like many establishments, like churches, hospitals, schools, politicians and canvassers remain on the perimeter. I was sorry that Deputy Kenny found it hard to accept my position and it has escalated into this.

“Surely Mr Kenny has more pressing issues to deal with.”

At least Ms Keogan didn’t have to turn her party leader Biffo away from her doors. That would never have happened.

And finally . . .

THE SHRINKING VIOLET/MARLENE DIETRICH AWARD

This goes to Brian Cowen.