Love's fortunes feel the crunch

The strain of family responsibilities and debts at a time of job losses and pay cuts are driving an increasing number of couples to seek counselling

THE ROCKY economy is creating rocky relationships, according to staff at counselling centres across the country. And as the emotional cracks of recession begin to show, Minister for Social and Family Affairs Mary Hanafin this week announced funding of almost €8 million for organisations offering free or low-cost marriage and relationship counselling.

There is, according to the Minister, an urgent need to ensure that quality services are available in order to help couples and families who may be experiencing debt- or budget-related stress.

“The difficult economic situation . . . is filtering into the lives and homes of families throughout Ireland,” she said. “Where a person loses their job or has their working hours cut back, this financial strain can lead to pressures in relationships. Having a network of support services available throughout the country to provide marriage and relationship counselling services is a core part of helping families to cope with problems they are confronted with.”

It’s a harsh reality already being exposed by growing waiting lists at many counselling centres. At Accord, the largest counselling body in the country providing support to couples, the latest statistics show that the numbers of clients citing “financial issues” as reasons for seeking help have increased from 13 per cent two years ago to almost 20 per cent since December.

Lisa O’Hara of MRCS (Marriage and Relationship Counselling Service) in Dublin, says that one in five of the couples she is has worked with lately are buckling under the emotional strain of economic worries, and over the course of the year she expects this number to increase.

“If you haven’t already lost your job you are wondering about the threat of losing your job or having to take a pay cut. When this happens stress levels go up and tolerance levels go down and we tend to take it out on those nearest and dearest to us, which means relationships can falter,” she says.

“What a lot of people we see are experiencing is a sense of loss. There is grief and disbelief and panic and anger at the injustice of it all. Those with children are having to explain why there isn’t as much money for things they used to take for granted. Children are noticing mums and dads are more stressed and snappy, and they don’t understand why. Couples are realising they have different attitudes to money, and if one grew up in a family where money was a worry but managed to attain an economically stable life as an adult, these new difficulties can bring back all that old trauma and insecurity.”

Counselling can’t solve the practical issues causing recession-related stress, but O’Hara says it can help to stem the emotional fallout. “What we are trying to do is support them with the emotional rather than the practical side,” she says. “We can help a couple collaborate rather than distance themselves from each other. When you are panicking you don’t experience things in the same way you would if you were calm. You are often hypersensitive and because of that everything gets blown out of proportion. Counselling can help normalise events, and often in counselling the couple get to hear each other properly maybe for the first time since the trouble started.”

Staff at AIM Family Services in Dublin said this week they have already noticed a “steep rise” in couples seeking counselling since last September – many of them saying economic factors were a trigger for their difficulties.

“It’s well documented that existing relationship issues can be hugely magnified by stress related to money worries,” says AIM chairperson Cassian Sweeney. “Communication can suffer; there is often a lot of blame on both sides and there’s a sense that they are dealing with something outside of themselves over which they have no control. This can lead couples to feel helpless, hopeless and worthless.”

She says there has been an “alarming rise” in the number of clients presenting at the centre for counselling who are reporting a change in circumstances and asking to avail of the sliding payment scale available to those who are struggling financially. Clients who in the past were able to afford the €50 an hour rate are now asking to pay less as their financial circumstances change.

Sweeney says that while a lot of the couples experiencing recession-related stress are in their 30s and 40s, with young children, it is important not to forget about couples in older age groups who have their own unique set of problems.

“We are hearing from them that they are under pressure with pensions and with grown-up children putting demands on them financially, which can often be a source of division within a couple.”

She envisages further demands on all counselling services as couples continue to struggle in the downturn.

At the Cork Marriage Counselling centre, Don Hennessy says that this recession is going to put different pressures on relationships than existed in the mid-1980s. “Back then we had a lot of male unemployment, which took its toll on the man of the house. Now you have a lot more families where both parties might be out of work and struggling to make ends meet and this can have a huge impact on families, especially when children are involved,” he says.

What is likely to emerge, he adds, is a sense of blame and one person ending up bearing the bulk of responsibility for the situation. “This can cause a huge chasm in the relationship, where people don’t feel able to talk to each other.” The centre encourages people not to let the issues lie because when that happens the issues between them become entrenched, he says. He encourages couples to speak to counselling services in the early stages of any difficulties. “They can then start to explore what is going on in a safe and healthy environment,” he adds.

Director of Accord John Farrelly says it’s important to remember that it’s not poor finances or unemployment that will ruin a relationship, but how well both parties are able to cope with the changing circumstances.

“It’s not so much what is happening around you, but about your dynamic as a couple – whether you have the ability to cope with what is going on,” he says. He has noticed that the shared negative experience can often lead to people pulling together.

“One couple I was talking to said their financial troubles made them realise they couldn’t afford to keep fighting the way they were, that they were both in the same boat and needed to pull together. The fact that many couples simply can’t afford to split up at this time is also keeping people together,” he says.

Several counselling bodies who spoke to The Irish Times said they had not yet noticed an increase in demand for services, but that they were expecting this to change in coming months. Even in the good times, those in the counselling industry say there was no great fall-off in people accessing counselling services and that with the mainstreaming of counselling, the last decade has seen a steady rise.

“During the boom when people supposedly had it so good, we didn’t see a significant drop in requests for counselling, which shows that even when we are well off, there are still deep rooted problems for people,” says Paul O’Donoghue, director of the Dublin Counselling and Therapy Centre.

“There is a feeling now among colleagues that we are waiting for an avalanche of calls as the recession deepens. But we are also conscious that changing economic circumstances are often only triggers for what will usually be more deep-rooted issues that cause conflict in relationships.”

Amid the gloom, there is some heartening news. Lisa O’Hara of MRCS says that if a couple can weather the storm of the recession, there could be great benefits for them around the corner. “People who have survived really tough times often say they experienced an incredible closeness during the bad period,” she says. “If we can help them stay together when it seems the rest of the world is falling apart, then the couple can often emerge stronger than ever before.”

What the professionals say

Some marriage guidance agencies' advice on recession-proofing your relationship:

Keep talking.Resentments and tensions inevitably grow when a couple don't share their fears and disappointments .

Have more physical contact. Whilst worry can affect your sexual performance, often a hug or gentle physical touch can be comforting and can help strengthen the bond between a couple experiencing difficulties.

Don't play the blame game.Putting the responsibility for all your financial woes on your partner will only increase the distance between the two of you.

Spend quality time together.Turn off the recession-obsessed news. Go for a walk in the park. Cook a meal together.

Sample case study

Mark (36) and Riona (35) returned to Ireland from the US two years ago after the birth of their second child. Mark works in IT and last year Riona decided to go back to work, but still hasn't found a job.

Before Christmas, Mark was told he would have to take a 10 per cent drop in salary to keep his job.The couple went into counselling, as they'd noticed they were arguing a lot more. The counsellor explored with them how they were feeling and how this was affecting them.

Mark was worried about being the sole breadwinner and that the cut in his salary would mean there would not be enough money. His stress levels were up, and Riona's complaints about him never being home were causing him to distance himself from her. He felt that every time she spoke, it was to criticise him.

Riona felt very much alone, and abandoned by Mark. She had found it hard to make friends on her return to Ireland. She was frustrated at not finding a job.

The counsellor was able to help both to talk about their feelings, anger, frustration, fear and loneliness. She helped them to identify what they were doing that was not helping, ie criticising (her) and stonewalling/withdrawing (him). Mark needed about 20 minutes when he came in just to "cut off" after work. When she realised this was why he did that, and not because he did not want to spend time with her and the children, she asked whether she could have 20 minutes undivided attention (no TV/newspaper/ laptop) when the children were asleep, to which he agreed.

This case study was provided by MRCS (Marriage and Relationship Counselling Services)

www.mrcs.ie

Locall: 1890-380380