When anger takes over

In the first of a three-part series on how to maintain emotionally intelligent relationships we focus on where things can go wrong and how to put then right.

Anybody can become angry – that is easy. But to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not easy– Aristotle

How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it– Marcus Aurelius

THERE IS a myth that perhaps comes from Californian psychology of the 1960s that we should express all our emotions – that in close intimate relationships we should always tell our partner how we feel, particularly if we are angry or upset at something. However, more recent psychological thinking suggests this may not always be the case.

Expressing unprocessed anger to our partners, in the form of criticisms, put-downs or even contempt, tends to escalate the original rows, increase negative feelings and almost certainly damages relationships in the long term (and ironically is unlikely to provide the satisfaction we are looking for). While it might feel better in the short term to get our negative feelings off our chest, it can come at great cost to our close relationships, especially if these exchanges occur frequently and when the relationships are already under strain.

Happiness and satisfaction in long-term marriages and romantic relationships are primarily about feelings and emotions. Relationships flourish when we experience primarily feelings of love, security, fondness and admiration but suffer when we are overtaken by resentment, anger, feelings of insecurity and jealousy.

The key to being happy is learning to cultivate our positive feelings towards our partner and, even more importantly, to understand and manage negative emotions so they don’t get out of hand. However perfectly matched we are, experiencing negative emotions is normal in all long-term relationships, especially when you take into account the stresses and strains of building a life together, where one person is dependent on the other, with different interests and personalities to accommodate.

What seems to matter, and what distinguishes happy, content couples from distressed unhappy ones, is the ratio of negative to positive feelings.

In a fascinating study, which observed the daily interactions of a large number of married couples, marriage researcher John Gottman pinpointed this ratio at five to one: happy content couples had five times more positive to negative interchanges with one another, whereas with unhappy couples this ratio dropped to one to one.

Whether you agree with the number or not, we can tentatively conclude that while conflicts and negative emotions are normal in healthy relationships (and perhaps even essential to passionate and intimate relationships), we need to cultivate many more positive emotional experiences than negative ones to ensure happiness and contentment.

This becomes much harder when your relationship is under strain.

Emotions tend to be self-reinforcing: while positive emotions create more positive experiences and thus further positive emotions, etc, negative emotions act in the same reverse cycle and couples under strain get trapped into destructive cycles of negative emotions.

Ongoing conflicts lead to attack, defence and escalation and become a repetitive vicious circle that deepen conflicts and, over time, erode a relationship. Sadly, when overwhelmed by these negative feelings, couples can disengage from one another and separate even though there is a lot to lose for them both and there is still great potential in their relationship.

The key to breaking this cycle and getting a relationship back on track is to take a moment to understand what is going on. When working with couples in conflict, my first piece of advice is to “press the pause button” as a negative interchange starts – the invitation is to pause, to pull back and take a deep breath, to understand what is going on and then to choose a more positive way to respond.

The good news is that it often only requires one person to “press the pause button” for this to work – an argument only continues if both parties continue it and only one person needs to change for a relationship to change.

The second step is to learn how to understand, distil and express your negative feelings in a way that doesn’t do damage to your partner or your relationship. While it might be important to say how we feel, it is crucial not to take out our negative feelings on our partner or to blame them for those feelings. Psychologist Marshall Rosenberg proposes a model of “non-violent communication” in intimate relationships which centres on empathic listening and taking responsibility for your own feelings.

Llearning to understand your partner’s negative feelings is equally crucial. When hearing your partner express anger towards you, it is easy to react defensively and to retaliate with anger and criticism in return or, at the other extreme, to cut off and not communicate at all.

In a healthy relationship, however, managing and soothing your partner’s negative emotions is as crucial as learning to soothe and manage your own. It is, in fact, the couples who learn to empathically understand, de-escalate, and distract their partner’s negative emotions (sometimes even with humour) who do best.

Whatever way you choose to communicate, what matters is that you come across as genuine and respectful to your partner. Different things work for different people. One partner could feel patronised if they thought you were using a formal listening skill when they were annoyed, but instead prefer you to simply be silent and/or show reassuring affection. While one person may want to talk through details of a dispute immediately, another person may want some space and would prefer to talk about it later. The key is to find a way that works for both.

For example, some couples raise most conflicts only indirectly and briefly and instead diffuse their annoyance using humour or by switching to another lighter topic. Other couples are happy to have a full-blown row, because it is over quickly, clearing the air and they make up quickly and stay connected.

Negative emotions, disappointments and ongoing conflicts are part and parcel of most long-term partnerships. However, happy couples learn to manage these emotions so they don’t escalate and overwhelm the relationship. Successful couples find a way of living with disappointments, talking about them in non-toxic ways , putting them into perspective and counter-balancing them with the other joys, happiness and satisfaction that is in their relationship.

NEXT WEEK: Cultivating the quality of relationships through small and simple acts

John Sharry is a child and family psychotherapist, author and trainer. See solutiontalk.ie for details of talks and events.