Sex, lies and relationships

A new book aims to improve relationships by guiding women through the minefield of lies that men tell

AS FANS OF the US television series Mad Menwill know, all men lie. Some just do it better than others. An American psychiatrist, Dr Ish Major, has recently published a book which he intends as a woman's guide to the lies men tell. His hope is that it will lead to a better understanding of the truthfulness or otherwise of the male mind in relationships.

The book offers advice on everything from how to spot if your partner has commitment issues to reading the signals on those initial dates. Major has spent the past five years counselling men and women in relationships and says he wants to use this experience to create a better understanding of how men communicate in these situations.

“I’d have to say that the overwhelming majority of the time when people, both patients and friends, come to me with feelings of depression or anxiety, these stem from issues with relationships,” he says.

What Major offers, then, is a critical account of what women should be wary of, through interpreting male replies. He grades many of the typical answers men give to questions by using terms such as “red” and “white” flag responses.

Red flag answers mean you should be worried about your man’s fabrications, while a white flag means the answers are acceptable.

For example, should you ask a prospective partner the simple question, “Are you married?” red flag answers include, “Yes, but I’m not happy” or “We’re living separate but equal lives right now”. White flag answers include “No”, or an “immediate straight answer maintaining direct eye contact”.

So, does Major feel any guilt in divulging the secrets of the brotherhood by publishing this guide to male untruthfulness?

“Male friends chide me about selling out the brotherhood and giving up all the secrets. But guys who read it can use it to self-check. It’s like a process of reverse engineering and it’s also an attempt to level the playing field.

“Most of the folks I see in my practice are ladies and the reason for their anxiety about 90 per cent of the time is failed relationships. Often it will be because some guy lied to them or they didn’t interpret the signals right.”

Major is keen to point out that the publication is not intended as a how-to book on dating, but more as a guide to tackling some of the issues he has come across in his practice.

He points out that roughly four out of 10 marriages in the US end in divorce and that reading the signals early in a relationship can save a lot of emotional hardship later on.

“Within the first few conversations a man has with a woman, if you pay attention, you will know the guy’s intention or what their plans are. In my experience, a guy will let a woman know everything he wants her to know about him very early on. He will set down his guidelines in getting to know you and how he would like the relationships to work.

“Pay attention to whether he wants you to call him, or if he says things like, ‘I’m not a great talker on the phone’. This essentially means he wants to dictate the level of contact from the start.”

In relation to the code he adopts in the book for judging male replies, Major says it is in an effort to help women unlock the secrets of male language.

“I use white flag and red flag answers because, well, sometimes women don’t seem to be able to interpret what I call the secret language of men. Women can take things literally or read more into [it than] what should be there.

“So I have given women some tools to help get truth the truth. For example, ‘Do you have children?’ is a pretty straightforward question. An example of a red flag answer would be “not that I know of” or if a man deflects the question by saying, “Do you have any kids?”. There should be little explanation going with these answers. It should be a pretty simple yes or no.”

And what about the doctor himself, has he ever been caught out telling fibs to a partner? “I learned my lesson early about lying when I lost somebody very special to me.

“Telling the truth is not easy, believe me. But it gets you closer to happiness and isn’t that where we all want to be?”

Little White Whysis published by iuniverse. See littlewhitewhys.com