A country music uplift is stretching things a bit far, Donie

SEANAD SKETCH:YES, DONIE. How right you are.

There’s a grand stretch in the evenings.

Snowdrops are out (along with the gardaí and any amount of public service unions you care to name.) But things are never as bad as they seem. There is always somebody worse off than yourself.

Imagine. You could be Brian Cowen. Or Mary Coughlan. Or a terrified banker waiting for that knock on the door from the fraud squad, or, God forbid, a debt collector coming to repossess the Lexus.

At least Fianna Fáil is looking on the bright side. At the party’s ardfheis this weekend, there will be two dinces, each to be followed by a dishco. Happy days.

On Friday night, a group called “The Good Vibzs” performs at the dince. On Saturday, music will be provided by “The Sugar Cubes”.

There are high hopes that the Taoiseach will rediscover his mojo and join the Cubzs after his keynote address with a rendition of Just a Spoonful of Sugar Makes the Medicine Go Down. Yes indeed, Donie Cassidy, FF leader in the Seanad, how right you are.

People need cheering up in these dark times. And no better man to do it than the Westmeath country music impresario, who delivered more talk of uplift yesterday than the entire bra department of Arnotts.

Donie has his finger on the pulse. The populace needs some good news. They want guidance. They crave hope.

Donie Cassidy knows what he’s talking about. He is the man who introduced Foster and Allen to an unsuspecting public.

Yesterday morning, he informed the Upper House that he was blown away by “the magnificent state of the union address by the President of the United States, Mr Barack Obama. God bless him, he is a welcome guest wherever he goes and a shining light to uplift the world.” Pausing briefly to peel a strong onion, an emotional Donie sniffed: “As I have said in this House before, Ireland can only hope to enjoy a corresponding recovery once the United States begins to lift its economy, followed by the United Kingdom . . . We have gone down quickly but I am confident we will bounce back just as quickly” Castlepollard’s answer to Mr Micawber must have been listening to his Tánaiste on the radio earlier in the morning.

Mary Coughlan had the nation choking on its Shreddies when she declared that Ireland’s public finances are “under control.” Control, as any fitter in the Arnotts lingerie department will tell you, is what a good uplift is all about.

“We are facing a global crisis,” continued Donie. “There is no race to the bottom and we are not talking ourselves down.” Actually, maybe he hadn’t been listening too closely. Tánaiste Coughlan was very concerned about people talking down the Irish economy, even if the economy has proved itself more than capable of managing that feat on its own.

Finally, it was time for Senator Cassidy to dispense some home spun wisdom of his own. “We all want to be uplifted. The extent of bad news is one of the reasons that newspaper sales are declining. It is lovely to be able to lift one’s mood from time to time by tuning into a country music channel.”

This was too much for Senator David Norris, who is very posh and would be more of a clavichord man himself. He wondered aloud if Donie was for real.

But of course he is for real. Furthermore, remarked the House leader, David Norris inhabits the real world too, ergo, he doesn’t need to be told about the beneficial effects of a good Country ‘n’ Irish number.

“I know that I’m in the real world, but I wonder whether you are!” snorted Senator Norris. At this point, matters took a surreal turn – as they so often do in the Seanad. “As Senator Walsh observed, if the gallery were full of unemployed people . . .”

What on earth was Donie talking about now? Turns out that his party colleague, Senator Jim Walsh, in the course of a wide ranging dissertation on the state of the economy and the Government’s magnificent stewardship of same, had called on the Seanad to schedule a debate on “Ireland’s fiscal position.” Jim had a great idea.

“During the debate, would it be possible to fill the Visitors Gallery with those who have recently been made unemployed? It might bring a modicum of common sense and measurement to Senators who are inclined to use partisan language in the House.”

“You’d be lynched” interjected Fine Gael’s Fidelma Healy-Eames.

But Jim was undeterred. “and lead them [the unemployed] to recognise that there is a constituency depending on those of us in politics to find a way through the current difficulties.”

He appears to be under the impression that the scales would fall from the eyes of the unemployed if they visited the Seanad and heard Donie and Co tell them of the Government’s great achievements.

Urgent note to the authorities. Should Senator Walsh’s proposal ever come to pass, it might be prudent to consider installing bullet proof glass. And failing that? Senator Norris had the last word.

“They could listen to country music and uplift themselves.”

Outside the gates, the gardaí were protesting. If only the Government had thought of piping a bit of country music into the barracks yesterday morning, the gardaí would have stayed at home. Ah yes, the country is going down the tubes. The workers are restless. But Donie has the answer. When it comes to getting an uplift, Country ‘n’ Irish soothes the savage breast. TR Dallas for Taoiseach! Louise Morrisey for Tánaiste! Suppose it’s worth a try.