Brianna Parkins: Who wants a dusty British knighthood when Ireland can make its own honours system

Who do the Brits think they are? Coming in here trying to bestow honours on our citizens, recognising their hard work and contributions to a better society without asking permission first. This week, The Irish Times revealed “the UK did not seek permission from the Irish government to award honours to Irish citizens on five occasions in the last 30 years”.

In the past, when the Head Gaffer of the British royal family wanted to give an award to an Irish passport holder, the British embassy used to “alert the Irish government ahead of time and seek permission”.

But why all the fuss over a handshake and a fancy merit certificate? It turns out it’s kind of a constitutional no-no. Under Article 40.2, in the Constitution of Ireland, it says right there in black and white: “No title of nobility or of honour may be accepted by any citizen except with the prior approval of the government.”

The good news though, for any Irish recipients worried about their trophy cabinets being raided overnight, Minister for Foreign Affairs Micheál Martin said “there is no penalty or sanction for failing to obtain prior government approval for the awarding of honours”.

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This “I know what the rules say but ah here” approach is a distinctly time-honoured Irish tradition. Particularly when applied to the Constitution. Next year we will vote to amend the part about the State endeavouring “to ensure that mothers shall not be obliged by economic necessity to engage in labour to the neglect of their duties in the home”. As women are still very much obliged by economic necessity to go to work while paying some of the highest childcare fees in Europe for the privilege – I don’t see too much endeavouring going on from the State. That part wasn’t meant to be taken too seriously obviously, unlike the old bit about banning abortion. Funny that.

There has been a long history of Irish people either accepting an Order of the British Empire or saying “thanks but no thanks”. Usually because they don’t agree with the words “most excellent” and “British Empire” sitting so close together for a variety of reasons. Something understandable coming from citizens of a former colony who experienced the British Empire first-hand for 800 odd-years and were left with quite a bad impression. In any case, if an Irish citizen or any one who isn’t a British citizen does accept a knighthood or damehood – their title becomes honorary meaning they can’t even call themselves “sir” or “dame” anyway. Which sort of takes the whole point of getting one in the first place – updating your email signature with the title.

Green Party TD Patrick Costello told The Irish Times now might be the right time “to look at having our own honours system which is fit for purpose for a republic”. We have presidential awards and various municipal honours, like Dublin’s Freedom of the City awards, but not an honour system. Recipients of the last one are supposedly duty bound to defend the city if it is under attack. The one time we really needed Bono or the Edge jamming up the iPhones of rioters by installing the latest U2 album without permission, they were nowhere to be seen.

As a republic, the new Irish honours system would be unencumbered with boring old titles. We would be free to name them in a manner that would reflect our national values and what we term to be the highest compliments we could give to a person. There could be the “Some Woman for One Woman” lifetime achievement award. The genderless “They’re Very Sound” medal for services rendered to the community. The “Gas” award for entertainers. The “Pure Daycent” honour for humanitarian endeavours. The “Such a Dote” perpetual trophy for acts of charity.

There could be a cash prize but that might get a bit expensive over time so winners will have to be bestowed with other privileges. Luckily Ireland already has unofficial “honours” privileges bestowed on our best and brightest that we could incorporate. For example, recipients would get Coppers and Abrakebabra gold cards, plus their name put on the Leo Burdocks chipper Hall of Fame. There they would join luminaries such as Enya, Naomi Campbell and “Justin Timberlake’s parents”.

In addition, recipients of the new Irish honours would be permitted to give the President of Ireland’s dogs a good belly rub and get a full hour on Liveline to give out about everything that’s annoying them while Joe Duffy gently agrees with them by going “that’s terrible…” every so often. They would be given the highest honour of being asked by any pub of their choosing if they would like to stay for a lock-in.

[ John McManus: It shouldn’t be a big deal to accept British honours in a modern Ireland ]

They would never have to pay to choose their seat on Ryanair and be spared the indignity of putting their bag into the little metal box of doom to see if it’s the right size. Their Dunnes vouchers would never expire. If they were having a bad day, Blindboy would personally come over to their house, make them a cup of tea, tell them something reassuring about mental health and then give them a little kiss on the head. They would always get tickets to a match. They would get a GP appointment on the same day they needed one. They would never have their car clamped. They could put the heating on whenever they wanted because the gas companies would forgive their bill.

The possibilities are endless really, and who wants a dusty old knighthood when you could have all that.