How to feel close to your partner: Irritation is normal in any long-term relationship

When the humdrumness of life takes over, it can be easy to lose the spark in a relationship. Work, bills, cooking, dishes, laundry, homework, Netflix — you might squeeze in a few functional exchanges between tasks, but actually sitting down and talking — sure where would you get the time?

Don’t tell me to go on a date night

Go on a date night. “This is all about prioritising yourselves over family, friends, children or pets,” says Linda Breathnach, member of the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy and founder of therapyandtraining.ie. Making time for just the two of you is important. “It can be great to have a night out, get dressed up and make an effort. Set the date and plan it, make it something to look forward to and focus on each other as part of that.” You don’t have to leave the house though. “It can be as simple as turning off the telly, putting some music on, putting the phones away and actually sitting and talking to each other.”

So be together more?

Yes, but take time apart too. “It’s really important and healthy for a relationship that we have lives outside of that relationship and that we encourage and support each other around that self-care piece,” says Breathnach. After two years of restrictions, maybe we have forgotten that we can do things without each other — as well as together.

But they are so irritating

Irritation is normal in any long-term relationship. Instead of dwelling on it, focus on what works well, says Breathnach. “Look at your individual strengths. Sometimes there is a person who is an organiser and there is a person who is laid back, and maybe there is a need for both. Play to the strengths of the person rather than making the person with less strengths in a particular area conform.” Try to zoom out and get perspective too. “Often we can get sucked into the problem or the issue. In the grand scheme of things, whether you are together for two years or 10 years but you’ve had an issue for the past few weeks or months, focus on what works well and how you have resolved things in the past.”

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Tune into yourself first

Our default can be to jump in and say how the other person is wrong. “It can be all about what they need to do or change. Instead look at yourself and ask, ‘What is it about this that’s irritating me, why is it an issue for me, why is this so triggering?’” Try to understand yourself first and take ownership of expressing your own needs, says Breathnach. For example, if your partner is late, use a phrase like, “When you are late, I feel taken for granted,” not, “You are taking me for granted,” she says. “Communication is listening, but it’s also about expressing without blame or criticism. When there is less blame in the language, it becomes easier for the other person to understand.”

Ah, listen…

Communication is at the core of every issue that comes into the therapy room, says Breathnach. Responsibility for it lies with both parties. “It’s about listening, really listening to the other person, to their experience, to what they are saying, as well as what they are not saying. How do you think they are feeling as they talk? Really tune in and listen, not planning your response, not listening to interrupt. If you are listening to understand, then all the other stuff will figure itself out.”