How to manage envy. ‘It’s okay to feel like this’

I’m feeling envious

Whether your friend has a bigger house, your cousin has a bigger job or your neighbour has a bigger car, envy can be hard to manage. “It’s quite an ugly feeling. It’s an uncomfortable and almost physical feeling. Most people are aware when they are experiencing it,” says clinical hypnotherapist Fiona Brennan of @the_positive_habit_. Envy can be toxic to relationships too, says Brennan. “When we are consumed by envy, we can’t even acknowledge someone’s success. People can feel it if you are not genuinely happy for them.”

What causes envy?

Envy can stem from low self-esteem, or self-esteem that is based on external achievement, says Brennan. “It’s built less on compassion and love for others and more on comparison and feeling that you have to be better than someone for your own esteem to be concrete,” she says. Being compared to others as a child can be a contributing factor. Getting your esteem from one-upmanship, however, is toxic.

Is envy common?

Yes, it’s part of our primitive brain. It’s culturally encouraged too. “So much of society is looking at the external – the house, the car, the amount of followers,” says Brennan. But appearances be damned, there is more true value in authenticity. “Being able to stand up tall and proud and say, ‘I drive an old car’, or whatever. Being without shame about these things is incredibly liberating,” she says. “People can admire you for your authenticity and your courage. There is no house or car that can ever really equate to feeling love and belonging.”

How do I manage envy?

Awareness and acceptance can be transformative. “Don’t judge yourself for what is a very primitive and understandable feeling,” says Brennan. Accept how you feel and recognise the feeling as a pointer to what’s going on inside you. “It is bringing attention to what you need,” she says. And that’s not a Porsche. “It’s about moving away from external symbols of success to a more internal reward system that gives you a genuine feeling of confidence and joy for others.”

So what do I do?

“Place your hand on your heart and breathe and say, ‘It’s okay to feel like this,’ so there is a sense of acceptance and love towards yourself,” says Brennan. Try practising some positive affirmations too. For example, “I am complete and whole just as I am,” she says.

I’m not feeling it…

You may still feel you need the Porsche, but give it time. “What we discover with positive affirmations is that they become more and more true over time, because underneath them is an authenticity,” says Brennan. “There was once a time in your life when you felt complete and whole as you are. As a young child, you didn’t compare yourself. You just looked at yourself with complete joy and happiness.” Repeating a positive affirmation is about trying to reignite that ability to accept yourself. “The affirmation is already true, so you are working at reigniting and reinforcing something that is already there.”

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