Taking cover . . .

Emissions: Sweet merciful hour. €7,486 to insure a car for a year. I'll write it again, just so the enormity of it sinks in: €7,486. That's what one insurance company is quoting for fully comprehensive insurance for a 22-year-old Dublin male in a 1.2-litre hatchback worth €3,200. Almost €150 a week. Over €20 a day. €7,486.

Put my faith in a Plastic Jesus? I think not. For €7,486 a year I'd want the man himself in the passenger seat. And St Christopher in the back, just to be on the safe side.

Now, I gladly accept most of what I spout here in this little corner of bile has as much resemblance to the truth as Mary Harney has to Beyoncé Knowles, but for once, I kid you not. The figures are legit, taken from case studies by the Irish Financial Services Regulatory Authority in its survey of car insurance prices.

Reading down the list, I was flabbergasted. Reached your Golden Years and looking forward to paying cheap insurance to tootle around in your car at your leisure? You've worked hard all your life, you deserve it, right? Think again. One firm quotes €4,542 for a 68-year-old retiree living in Co Dublin for fully comp on his two-year-old Citroën Saxo 1.3-litre.

There's more. Over €2,000 for a 64-year-old Dubliner with a full licence for 30 years to cover his Subaru Forester? €4,191 for a 41-year-old woman driving a Nissan Micra to her job in a Limerick factory?

Suffice it to say, my language while perusing these figures would not have been out of place at the Osbournes' dinner table. And these are only quotes for normal people in normal cars. I can only imagine what someone in a really expensive, powerful machine would be charged.

But what's even more startling than the outrageous prices are the disparities between various companies. The top quote for a 25-year-old Honda Civic-driving barman in Galway was €6,212. Another firm wanted €1,102 to cover the same bloke in the same car.

If one company can charge five grand less than another to insure the same person, it begs the question - what is the more expensive firm doing with the difference? Using the money to lower premiums for other drivers, perhaps? Wrong. The IFSRA figures show this same company features consistently among the highest chargers for insurance. Lining its increasingly deep pockets appears the only possible answer.

I nearly kicked in my TV watching the RTÉ news report on the story. A spokesman for this bunch came on and, with what can only be described as brazen cheek, said he welcomed the figures as the differences in prices show the insurance industry is not a cartel. And here was us getting all upset over nothing. They're cleaning out our wallets and life savings, but at least they're not a cartel.

But, fret not, all is not lost. Here's a little scam I devised, one I'm happy to share with all your unfortunate people, in the name of justice. It's this: find a willing 50-something housewife from the Midlands with a clean licence for 30 years. It probably helps if you are related to her. If not, pretend to be having an affair with her. (This works whether you're man or woman - this is the 21st century after all - if the insurance company refuses, sue them for sexual discrimination). Then register your car in her name. Insure it with her as the main driver, add yourself as an additional driver on the policy, and - voilá! - half-price car insurance. Pure genius.

Admittedly, the insurance companies may begin to get suspicious when they find some woman in Mullingar claiming ownership of 14 Honda Civics, but we'll cross that river when we come to it. €7,486? F#$?in' hell.