Outing the egowagons

Emissions: Sometimes, I confess, it's a struggle to find something to fill this corner with. No doubt regular readers may be able to tell those weeks when I'm as devoid of ideas as (Note to self: Insert witty metaphor here).

And then sometimes something surfaces that makes my job easier than falling off a hedge in a hurricane.

This is one of those weeks. For what dropped into my lap but a new survey from a British insurance company that so forcefully supports my position on one of my pet hates that you may well suspect that I've written it myself.

The Admiral Insurance research unequivocally shows something I've long believed - that drivers of SUVs (or 4x4s or Egowagon or any one of a host of much more profane terms I am oft heard using when referring to these pernicious pests) are more aggressive, dangerous and probably downright criminal than the rest of us.

Ah, Mr Admiral, with this delicious survey you are truly spoiling me . . .

The company analysed the records of nearly 40,000 such motorists on its books and found they were 27 per cent more likely to be to blame in crashes.

There was also a 15 per cent higher probability they would be found guilty of driving without due care and attention and 11 per cent higher chance they would be caught speeding or driving dangerously. (See, told you you'd think I made it up.)

A spokesman for Admiral explained the figures by saying perhaps 4x4 drivers' temerarious behaviour is because they feel safer and more remote from the rest of us, cocooned on high as they are in their vehicles, thus not realising the affect they are having on other road users.

How very diplomatic of him. I've a slightly less conciliatory explanation.

This may be a sweeping generalisation (my favourite kind - the broad generalisation just doesn't have the majesty of the sweeper) but the evidence is stark: Urban Egowagon drivers are motoring bullies who think might is right and having a massive car means you can do what the hell you like. There, I've said it.

Now, Egowagon drivers, don't go getting up on yer high horses and storming off in a huff. This isn't a set up. Ring Admiral if you like.

I say that because the last time I ranted about Egowagons, an irate gentleman from Midleton who took "grave exception" to my "ignorant" attacks on 4x4 drivers wrote in to harangue me.

This fine fellow utterly missed the point. He drives a Land Rover Defender. A first-rate vehicle altogether. A perfect for trundling around rural Cork. I have no beef with him or his ilk whatsoever. I'd have one myself if I lived in the countryside.

But I don't. I, like the vast majority of SUV drivers, live in a city. In my book, the only person who can justify owning one in the city is someone can prove they need the space. And, no, golf clubs and toddlers don't count.

Proper SUVs are for carting timber, lugging concrete mixers, trudging up the side of a mountain in Connemara to rescue a ewe who's neck-deep in a bog.

They are not for swanning around Dublin's southside admiring your spray-on tan in the mirror while fantasising about the receptionist in your accountancy firm.

SEE my point now? It's when you take SUVs out of their intended environment that they cease being utility vehicles and morph into these Egowagons so many car-makers are making so much money from.

And the only reason urban Egowagon drivers have them is their delusions of grandeur, their bizarre belief that being able to look down on the rest of us somehow makes them better than us.

Which is terribly, terribly, terribly sad. If your self-confidence is so poor that you need to spend €80,000 on a lump of metal to feel secure, may I suggest you spend the money on a psychiatrist instead?

I'll give you the number of mine. Very professional, so he is. I haven't run over anyone in ages. Well, not on purpose, anyway.