On yer scooter!

EMISSIONS: Oh dear. Our lovelyBoys in Blue really have a knack of shooting themselves in the proverbial foot. There must be huge concerns up in Garda HQ about the force's inability to quell its embarrassing tendency of heaping more and more torment upon itself.

What with goings on in Donegal, Abbeylara and seeming powerlessness to control the mean streets of Dublin and Limerick, the public perception of them is pretty darn poor at this stage.

Their various contretemps with Government ministers, particularly the suspicious leaks over the penalty points systems and the ensuing rows with aul' Mr Brennan, are doing them no favours either.

And now, as if their shame wasn't enough, gardai look destined to be forced to cruise the nation's cities on scooters. To date, the only motorised two-wheeled cops have been on big meaty Hondas. Their sole purpose appears to be coralling anti-capitalist protestors and massaging the egos of politicians on the way to the airport. At least they look the part . . . actually, I've always felt there's something very homoerotic about Irish motorbike cops, dressed head-to-toe in burnished black leather, cruising around in packs their great big engines throbbing between muscular thighs. Graham Norton would wet his pants.

The head honchos are evidently not satisfied with sending the poor souls out on cheap mountain bikes, big fat arses to the wind, vainly chasing bike couriers around Dublin. They even have to lock their bikes outside shops to stop kids robbing them for a giggle. (Where's the respect gone, eh? When I was a lad . . . ).

Scooters had been considered less than appropriate for our nations' guardians, great big strapping lads and lassies the lot of them. They'd just look stupid on one of those little things, wouldn't they? Not any more. See, the height requirement for gardai has dropped from 5'9", meaning more short geezers with psychological hangups and power fantasies are wandering around the streets, truncheons in hands, looking for people to wallop.

These minicops will fit on scooters, which were previously the sole preserve of 17-year-old thugs in shell suits, helmets perched on the backs of their heads, revving all 250 cc of their poxy little machines at traffic lights like they were Evil Kneivel.

Picture it: Hundreds of authoritarian midgets, drafted in from every corner of the globe, donning garda uniforms, jumping onto motorised pogosticks and fervently patrolling rush-hour traffic on the M50.

Who thinks this stuff up? What next? Cops on rollerblades, head-to-toe in navy lycra, An Garda Siochána embroidered prominently on their leg-warmers, proudly patrolling the Phoenix Park?

Europhiles among you will point out that police in many other European cities already use scooters. Granted. But they're different, it's in their blood. I mean, Italian cops grew up on scooters, spending their teenage years ripping around roundabouts in gangs of twenty, screaming and whistling at anything remotely female. Now, they do exactly the same thing, except they've got guns.

All that said, it could be a tidy little earner. Tourist numbers are predicted to be way down this year, due to a combination of overstated fears over global terrorism and more realistic fears of being financially terrorised by Irish prices.

Tourists in their tens of thousands turn up in London every year to take photos of guards outside Buckingham Palace, don't they? Perhaps we could promote Irish police on Spacehoppers bouncing their way through crime waves as a unique attraction. We could even dress them up as leprechauns. Or Michael Flatley. I'd like that.