Making a real show in Terenure

Over 10,000 people showed up in Terenure College last Sunday to ogle the estimated 1,200 cars on display at the 16th annual Irish Vintage and Classic Car Show, which raised over €20,000 for Enable Ireland and DEBRA. All had a spiffing time and went home happy. Except me. I'm now, officially, riddled with lust.

Given that there were at least 100 cars on show that I'd gladly have sacrificed non-essential parts of my anatomy to drive, never mind own, you can imagine how fraught I am now.Whatever about my plight, spare a thought for Paul Newman - no, not that Paul Newman - who was showing 11 of his collection of Aston Martins, including the eventual winner of the Best Car in Show, a burgundy 1952 DB2.

I made the terrible mistake of parking my car, a nice-but-not-spectacular 1975 BMW 2002, beside Ken Fleming's utterly sublime BMW 2002 Baur convertible, which had undergone a two-year nut-and-bolt restoration.

The kind of car you could eat your dinner off. I was tempted, out of jealousy, to smear a few sandwiches on the bonnet to test the theory. But that would have been churlish.

Off with me to the Irish Jaguar and Daimler Club's enclosure to slaver over the E-Types. Hmm. Here's where we get into chopping off body parts territory. Could easily steer one of them minus a finger or two, I thought. If I got an automatic, I could forgo a whole hand. Run away before you get the machete out.

I scurried over to the Italian Classic Car Club exhibit - with its jaw-dropping collection of Ferraris, Maseratis, Alfa Romeos and Lancias among others - to escape. Bad move. Out of the frying pan . . .

Garnering the most attention at the stand, if not the whole show, was a 1987 De Tomaso Pantera GT55. "Supercar" does not do this 6500cc beast justice. Bit like calling the universe big. It was covered in human drool by the time I fought through the crowds to poke into the engine bay.

But the Pantera, for all its salaciousness, faded away when my gaze fell upon what was, for me, the car of the show - a 1959 Maserati 3500 GT. I was transfixed. Luckily for me, I got dragged away before I could offer up one of my kidneys.

Space precludes me from listing every single one of the dozens of cars that had me in conniptions of lust. I fled the show with all body parts intact. I've decided to cultivate a few human organs on my back, like that mouse with the human ear. They should be ready in time for a shopping spree next year. Any Maserati owners got any orders? I'll see what I can do.