A rare fuel

It has been brought to my attention that everything I wrote last week was wrong.  (Although I still maintain drinking bioethanol is probably not a good idea.)

My basic premise - that biofuels are the solution to our problems in theses times of diminishing oil stocks - has been demonstrated to me to be utter nonsense.

Apparently, we'd have to plant a quarter of Ireland with biodiesel crops, double what is currently given over to agriculture, to satisfy demand. And that's just the diesel. To replace all the petrol cars, we'd have to plant the whole country, leaving no room for minor stuff like houses and food.

Essentially, there's just not enough room on Earth for biofuels to replace oil. Not even if we ploughed up all the golf courses. All flippancy aside, there are other options. It is now my singular honour to present to you. the Emissions guide to alterno-fuels.

Wind: Mrs Emissions is a great advocate of wind. Lucky for her, as I'm so full of hot air. She reckons all vehicles should be equipped with roof turbines. You'd need some sort of supplementary motor to get the things started, but once you're up and running, the turbine kicks in and powers the vehicle.

A cunning plan, you'll agree. But apart from the risk to birds and low-flying aircraft, it has one fatal flaw: we spend most of our time immobile in traffic. Unless we plan to stick our heads out the sunroof and let rip with our lungs, 'tis a plan destined for the bin.

Rain: Essentially, a modification of the wind idea. Mini-waterturbines all over the roof, like a teensy weensy personal hydroelectric power station powered by rainfall. On dry days, you release the 200 hamsters you have stashed in the boot into the wheels and they do the work of the water instead.

Genius isn’t it? Why I’m not a multi-zillionaire is beyond me.

Solar: Hmm. Bit of a no-brainer. Ireland is not in the Sahara. Unless you have a Leitrim-sized solar cell on your roof, you're not going to be able to generate enough power on anything but the sunniest of days to get out of your driveway.

And even if you do get going, there's always the knowledge that in a country where we can have eight different seasons in a day, there are no guarantees you'll get home again.

Gas: Gas is a good one. I like the idea of gas. It's clean, efficient and cheap. Like myself. But then, I can see why some people baulk at it. The idea of having a small, highly pressured and highly volatile tank of rocket fuel within four feet of your backside and risking bursting into a Zeppelin-esque inferno on the M50 isn't something that appeals to all of us. Still, if you're going to go, there are worse ways.

Nuclear: No idea how this would work - what I do know is that other motorists would get out of your way pretty bloody quickly if they saw you in their rear-view mirror bearing down on them in a four-wheeled Cruise missile.

Human: The modern equivalent of a bunch of slaves in the hold, Spanish galleon-style. You know all those people in fitness clubs pedalling away aimlessly on exercise bikes and running nowhere on treadmills? Hook them up to a generator and hey presto, they lose weight, ruin their knee joints and charge their cars' batteries all in one fell swoop. Brilliant.

As I said, why I'm not spending my days rolling around in a skip full of banknotes on a Tahitian atoll is a mystery to me .