Living by the book

I keep telling everyone about The Four Agreements. My uncle told my mother, and my mother told me. It's the kind of thing you can't help wanting to share.

The Four Agreements, a "practical guide to personal freedom", is a book by Don Miguel Ruiz. Originally published in 1997, it's a code of conduct based on ancient Toltec wisdom, passed down to the author, who is a native of rural Mexico.

It's in the self-help category in bookshops, but I think it should be in the classroom, in the office, in your home. There are only four agreements. They are easy to remember. Not quite so easy to live.

Agreement 1: Be impeccable with your word - "This means speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid either using your word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love."

Every time I open my mouth I am trying to ensure I live up to this. It means making a choice. The comment I am about to make about that girl, the girl I am not speaking to for a reason that escapes me, is not worth making, so I will try to keep quiet. The self-deprecating witticism I am dying to utter is merely another poisoned arrow aimed at my self-esteem. That piece of information about that man, information I am not even sure is true, will do no good whatsoever if let loose in the world. At these times I should be still and silent. Most of the time I fail miserably. There are other times when I don't speak up and fail to be impeccable, out of a fear that what I have to say will change how people see me. I often fail then, too. But still I try to remember.

Agreement 2: Don't take anything personally - "Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinion and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering."

I actually find this the hardest agreement to adhere to. But it can be the most liberating. That realisation that we are each in our reality, our own "dream" and that what others say or do is just a manifestation of this, can be a relief. I say that now, but when I was in the pub and that man I haven't seen for years said, "God, you've put on an awful lot of weight, would you ever go down to the gym?" I went outside and I cried. Of course I took it personally. I failed to see that him using words so deliberately designed to hurt was a projection of his own reality, his own misery really. He needed my compassion, not my self-pitying tears. So I failed. But I keep trying.

Agreement 3: Don't make assumptions - "Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness or drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life."

It's true. I assumed that because the girl was so physically attractive, so sexy and so chic that her own perception of herself would match up to how I saw her. But there is no point making assumptions. One drunken night it all spills out. My occasional resentment of her beauty. Her worries, her insecurities and her fears. We find the courage to express ourselves. We make a pact to help each other. And that means being honest. With each other. With ourselves.

Agreement 4: Always do your best - "Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret."

I'm lazy. About lots of things. Sometimes doing my best comes easily, when the circumstances and my mood are right. When it's a sunny day and a walk in the park doesn't feel like exercise, it just feels like a walk in the park. On other days I don't want to do my best. At the first hint that I am unwell, I will cancel a yoga appointment, knowing that yoga is probably the best thing I can do for myself at that time. And not doing my best does lead to self-judgment, to self-abuse and to regret. Doing your best is like an absolution. A pardon. A sweet release.

All this just provides a glimpse of The Four Agreements; to get a real insight you need to read the book. My mother and I slag each other when we get it wrong, which happens often. "That's not very Four Agreements of you," we say. I keep it beside the bed and when I'm failing to keep the agreements, it helps to pick it up. This grand design for life is a great read for summertime - it's just the livin' ain't easy.