Tell me the truth about tantrums

Q&A: Q:I need advice on managing my seven-year-old son whose behaviour is having a very negative effect on the whole family. I have two other children, aged five and two

He is prone to very bad tantrums and sometimes quite aggressive behaviour. He also tends to whine about things a lot and can keep going on for hours if he is not getting his own way.

Anything can trigger his tantrums – being asked to get dressed in the morning, a fight with his brother over toys, being asked to finish playing for dinner time. Sometimes when he’s having a tantrum it’s like he is stuck in this groove and can’t get out of the tantrum “mode”. While I can accept two and three year olds having tantrums, it’s getting a bit trying in a seven year old.

I have tried to develop positive ways of dealing with him, star charts/rewards for good behaviour, praising him when is behaving well and so on. However, nothing seems to work for very long and even after a few good days he can revert back to his former ways in a short time.

I’m afraid that it often ends in me shouting at him or on occasion, when I’m at my wit’s end, slapping him.

He often picks awkward times to misbehave, eg when I am under time pressure in the morning getting ready for school, he might refuse to get dressed/eat breakfast/get in the car, etc. I have come to dread picking him up from school because he can start a fight as soon as he gets into the car. Incidentally, his behaviour outside the home is excellent and he is doing really well at school. His teachers have told me that his behaviour at school is exemplary.

When he is well behaved he is very sweet and adorable and we would like to bring that side of him out more. I am at a loss as to what to do.

A

Dealing with behaviour problems in the home such as aggression, tantrums and opposition are among the most challenging problems you can face as a parent. And when these problems happen frequently and you find yourself reacting angrily or dreading flashpoints, then you are right to be concerned and to seek help.

The trouble with behaviour problems is that they can easily become self-reinforcing habits that can be hard to break.

Each time your son has a meltdown or a tantrum that ends unsatisfactorily by either you getting angry or by him coercively getting his own way, then the negative behaviour is reinforced and more likely to recur. Further, such interchanges can damage your relationship with your son, and negatively affect his self-esteem and your confidence as a parent.

The first step in tackling these problems is to take a step back and to try to understand what is going on for your son and what underpins his misbehaviour. Sometimes his behaviour might be due to boredom, or tiredness or part of his spirited personality or a sign he feels jealous or is fighting for his place in his family.

The more you can tune into and understand what is going on sympathetically from his perspective, the easier it will be to help him.

The second step is to make sure you have a step-by-step plan of action for dealing with any meltdowns or tantrums that allows you to get through these incidents in a calm effective way.

This might start with ignoring his initial whining and giving him a positive instruction to behave – “I know you are upset, but let’s talk calmly now” – and then if he continues, warning him of a consequence – “You need to calm down now, or you are going to lose some TV time” – before breaking off the interaction with him until he calms down.

The key to good discipline is to use warnings and consequences rather than anger to manage childrens misbehaviour. Choosing the right consequences for an individual child is often the greatest challenge as they have to be immediate, fair and easy to implement for them to work. Most discipline systems fail because the parent runs out of consequences or instead reverts to anger or criticism to manage their child.

The third step is to make sure to talk through what happened with your son at a later time. It is important that this is not a blaming conversation but an opportunity to help him understand his feelings and to problem solve with him about potential solutions as to how he can manage his anger in difficult situations. For example, you could do up a “When I feel angry chart” and come up with a list of appropriate strategies with him that he can employ when angry or upset that might include taking a break, saying how he feels, calming himself by breathing or self-soothing.

Fourthly, make sure to spend daily one-to-one time with him when you can listen to him or play something he enjoys. Having daily times where you enjoy his “sweet and adorable side” is an antidote to the stress of the behaviour problems and builds co-operation between you to solve things. This time should be sacrosanct and, if possible, maintained even if it has been a difficult day.

Finally, recognise the stress of dealing with this behaviour and seek support for yourself, either by getting more support from family and friends and/or by seeking some professional help. The ideal is to attend an evidence-based parenting course that might run over a series of weeks to give you time to put positive behaviour management principles into action in the context of a supportive group run by an experienced facilitator. Such courses are often run in primary care or community psychology services or in family resource services or in child and adolescent mental health settings. Do check out what is available in your local area. Meantime, I will send you a copy of my book Positive Parenting, which provides a step-by-step guide to overcoming the behaviour problems you describe.

Dr JOHN SHARRYis a social worker and psychotherapist and director of ParentsPlus charity.

John will be give a one-day course, Parenting Toddlers and Young Children (aged 1-6), on November 17th in Wynn's hotel Dublin. See solutiontalk.ie.

Questions should be emailed to healthsupplement@irishtimes.com