Men making fatherhood a full-time job

As the number of unemployed men continues to rise, many are chosing to forgo outside childcare to become full-time dads

THE SOCIAL consequences of the economic downturn and sharp spike in unemployment figures in Ireland are inevitably having an impact on family dynamics.

While a debate on the changing role of Irish fatherhood was already underway before the current financial crisis, that debate has been accelerated in some quarters by the downturn.

Unemployed men still outnumber their female counterparts two to one, with the latest figures indicating that 291,000 males compared with 146,000 females are currently on the live register. This disproportionate drop in employment opportunities for Irish men, and the continuing high costs associated with childcare, has meant that financial considerations are leading to more full-time Irish fathers.

It's interesting to take account of popular culture representations of men and their links to fatherhood in the 1980s, during the last downturn. The "men on the dole playing a mother's role", as Phil Coulter put it in The Town I loved So Well, didn't figure in national statistics and few radio or newspaper interviews existed with this new generation of full-time fathers.

In the intervening years, fatherhood has gone more public, with even Hollywood having to move on from the Three Men and a Babyschool of panic parenting.

But how does this new generation of full-time fathers impact on parental relationships? And are Irish men ready for the forced switch from full-time employment to full-time fatherhood?

Niall McManus is a former construction worker who recently took over fathering duties full time when his daughter Rachel was born. McManus’s partner Pamela had opened a successful hair salon in Cork and with him struggling to find work, he swapped his hard hat for full-time fatherhood for the first 12 months of his daughter’s life.

Niall and Pamela had moved back to Cork two years ago, having lived in the US for several years and employment opportunities were limited.

“Pamela was busy setting up her business and I was looking for work. In the middle of it all, Pamela got pregnant,” explains McManus.

“It ended up as a case of having no choice in the matter. I had to stay at home. We couldn’t afford childcare and the building work had dried up.”

Like many male experiences, before taking on parenting duties full time, McManus underestimated the challenges of full-time fathering and says he was unprepared for the role.

“For some reason I thought it would be no problem. I have 19 nieces and nephews and I thought that made me an expert in children, even though I never babysat or changed a nappy in my life. I quickly found out it’s a hell of a tough game to be looking after a child every day.”

McManus believes his time spent caring for his daughter gave him a greater appreciation of motherhood and a deeper understanding of parental roles.

“You gain a lot more respect and start to understand your partner more. It also makes you realise how bloody hard it is. It does put the relationship under some other pressures. Like at the end of a day you might be looking for wee bit of sympathy, and my partner would come in and say, ‘We were busy today at work’.

“I remember saying one time I felt like I had two weeks’ work done and I hadn’t left the house.”

Increasingly, McManus is seeing and meeting men who are in his situation, taking on more parental duties. “At the minute, even walking around during the day there are men pushing prams everywhere. It used to be young girls and mothers, but now I see grown men and not a woman in sight.

“The building trade is finished and a lot of men have faced up to the fact that their wives or girlfriends can get work out there quicker. It’s a real role reversal at the moment.”

McManus’s experience is not unique. Lisa O’Hara, a relationship counsellor with Marriage and Relationship Counselling Services (MCRS), says the stress being placed on relationships in Ireland due to changing parental roles is a real one.

“It’s a very stressful time and this is reflecting on men’s sense of themselves and where they belong,” she says. “Where some have been made unemployed there is a bit of role reversal and we are seeing that.

“A lot of men’s identity is tied up in their jobs, which give meaning and help provide for their family. When it’s taken away it can have a strong impact on self-esteem and confidence, and be a huge loss to a man.”

O’Hara also says that men taking on more parenting responsibility can make some mothers feel threatened and change the dynamic within a relationship. Unless communication is strong, this change can lead to issues at a later stage.

“If you make something your job, such as a father staying home and caring for the children, then fathers will want to do it their way. There can be tension between couples if this is not negotiated. I suppose it’s also important to acknowledge for new full-time fathers, it is completely different to what they have been used to.

“A lot of men only experience full-on parenthood when they come home from work. At other times, their partner may take on the lion’s share of housekeeping and so on. Sometimes neither partner has a sense of what the other job entails. Men also, I think, have to face up to the fact that full-time parenthood is a seven-day week role with no real break.”

John Collins is a father of two from Tipperary, who was recently made redundant. As a result, he has decided to stay home and care for his two children full time, thereby reducing childcare costs.

This week will be Collins’s first time taking on the role during the weekdays, and he estimates the childcare saving will be somewhere in the region of €800 a week.

“Becoming a full-time father wasn’t by choice. My wife is a teacher, so we decided I would look after the kids,” he explains. A few days before taking on the role, Collins admits he is nervous as to how it will all pan out.

“I’m a bit apprehensive about the whole thing. There’s one side to it which is fantastic in that I get to spend time with the kids. But I’m concerned about my patience in relation to it. While working, I was making a contribution financially to the family, but now I suppose my contribution will be to support my wife and the little lads in other ways.”

John doesn’t see the move to full-time fatherhood lasting in the long run. Once employment prospects pick up, he envisages returning to work. In the meantime, there are more pressing concerns.

“I’ve always said I’d love to be able to be a full-time dad. To be honest though, I don’t know if I’m suited to it. I suppose we’ll soon find out. Being around the house, I don’t mind at all.

“The two things that will test me are getting the children fed and making sure all the washing is done. I tend, like most men, to let the washing pile up.”

But will Collins’s new role have an impact on the parental dynamic within his family and will his children now begin to look to him for more maternal needs?

“I don’t think it will change the dynamic a whole lot. I’ve seen that from an early age if the kids fall, they need a hug from Mammy to make it better. I can’t see that changing. Mammy will always be Mammy.”