Thinking Anew

Thinking Anew: Learning not to judge

There is something about judging that diminishes and reduces us. Separating observations from evaluations can be quietly life-giving

Wendy May Jacobs
Sat Jul 1 2023 - 10:00

I have heard it said that the world can be divided into two types of people – the artists and the critics. Me, I am definitely a critic. There is a lot of satisfaction to be had from having a definite opinion, and I enjoy that in others too.

Yet it is easy to judge, cheap and easy. It feels great – discerning and insightful and superior. Yet in Matthew, Jesus warns us not to judge others, because according to how we judge others we will be judged ourselves. And Paul warns us in Romans: “You, therefore, have no excuse... for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.”

I remember an (amusing-in-retrospect) incident involving my husband and me in our early years of marriage. We were with a friend who cheekily asked which of the two of us was the more selfish. Each of us sincerely felt that we were the unselfish one, and that the other had more selfish tendencies. We were both outraged that the other saw us as more selfish. We felt exceedingly judged and diminished by each other’s opinion. In the end all that we could do was laugh!

The truth is, of course, that I am selfish, and so is my husband. Yet we are many other things besides. As people of faith, we don’t need to pretend to be perfect. We are called to offer our whole selves to God – the good, the bad and the indifferent. What really matters is how we behave, how we love, how we treat others. Sunday’s gospel reading reminds us of this: “Anyone who welcomes you welcomes me, and anyone who welcomes me welcomes the one who sent me.”

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Naming is powerful. Judging another is naming, branding, labelling them in a particular static way

There is something about being judged which diminishes and reduces us. Naming is powerful. Judging another is naming, branding, labelling them in a particular static way. How often have we heard people sharing how judgmental words spoken over them as children have haunted them for life. “You are useless”, “You are ugly”, “You are stupid”, “You’ll never amount to anything...”

The late Marshall Rosenberg’s discipline of Non-Violent Communication (NVC) is helpful and practical in this regard. A key element of NVC is the practice of observing without evaluating. As we learn to separate our observations from our judgments, channels of communication remain open which might otherwise close.

For example, instead of saying, “you are greedy” (an evaluation), one might say, “you did not share your chocolate with me” (an observation). Instead of saying, “he is lazy” (an evaluation), one might say “he has not helped clear up this week” (an observation). Observing without evaluating creates space in a way that judging does not.

Christians believe that it is Jesus who will finally be our judge. It can comfort us that this judgment will come from the one who loves us the most

Of course, actually navigating life inevitably consists of discerning and judging situations. But learning to separate our observations from our evaluations in our communications with each other can be quietly life-giving. As Mother Teresa said, “If you judge people you have no time to love them.”

Rush to judgment

Our culture is swift to rush to judgment, to condemn, to write people off, to cancel. Yet we can never know what it is like to walk in someone else’s shoes. What we might consider bad behaviour in someone may be, for them, an act of great courage or heroism. Only God can judge, only God knows the secrets of our hearts.

[ Thinking Anew: ‘We are here to help each other walk the mile and bear the load’ ]

[ Thinking Anew: Cocktail of different faiths and culture binds Christians together ]

Yet at the same time we also need to know that judgment will take place. It cannot be bypassed. Justice and accountability are deeply held values for human beings. Christians believe that it is Jesus who will finally be our judge. It can comfort us that this judgment will come from the one who loves us the most.

Frederick Buechner puts it well: “The worst sentence Love can pass is that we behold the suffering that Love has endured for our sake, and that is also our acquittal. The justice and mercy of the judge are ultimately one. At the evening of our day, we shall be judged by our loving.”

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