My son stays up late gaming and refuses to go to school. What can I do?

My teenage son has progressively disengaged from school and is now refusing to attend. I suspect bullying may be an issue, but when I ask he refuses to discuss it. He spends a lot of time gaming in his room until late and is exhausted in the morning. I’ve tried removing devices, but it doesn’t work. I’m a single mother and have a very busy job, which means I’m not around as much as I’d like. Can you help?

Your dilemma is a growing problem in school, and bullying can sometimes be at the root of the problem. Every week similar circumstances are recounted at “care team” meetings involving year heads, guidance counsellors and school management.

Most schools operate a proactive anti-bullying strategy and look for any signs that bullying is occurring. But it can often be insidious, subtle and difficult to pin down, so if you have any indications that your son may be a victim, let the school know.

In an ideal world, you would establish the boundaries of your son’s gaming activities and control the duration of his activity. That may be easier said than done.

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Having said all that, I know from having educated young men all my teaching life that they crave order and security above all, even though they will struggle against it. Bullying, if it becomes embedded in a year group, can undermine a child’s sense of security and make them unwilling to go to school.

[ My son hasn’t settled into secondary school. I’m worried about him ]

Given that for whatever reason he is now disengaging from schooling, how do you create boundaries for your son so he grows into a well-balanced adult who has learned the values of self-control and deferred enjoyment of favourite activities?

Try drawing on the support of wider family and your son’s school. Does he have a good relationship with a close relative? Would they be prepared to sit down and attempt to explore why he is disengaging from school? Information is key to resolving these situations.

If there is no bullying issue, you need to negotiate a set of rules around the use of digital devices, which would allow him get a decent night’s sleep and re-engage with his education.

It is likely that there will not be any sudden switch from the present chaotic situation to a perfect solution. All behavioural change is gradual. You can be certain that he is unhappy about not being with his peers in school, but still can’t resist gaming into the night. Secretly, he too wants a solution, but as a child does not have the maturity to bring it about.

Refusing to go to school can often be a complex problem that might require mental health support or external counselling.

Once a strategy is in place, you may find that he has a greater willingness to conform to an agreed weekly schedule that will allow appropriate engagement with his favourite games.

Do you have an education or careers query? Email askbrian@irishtimes.com