Virginia Show: Fake tan, baby oil, hair extensions – and those were just the animals

The competitors themselves looked calm enough, mostly. But as the minutes ticked down to the Best Cow competition, the bovine backstage area of Virginia Show was a maelstrom of nervous energy.

Stylists bushed and clipped the backs of their would-be champions, fluffed out the hair extensions on their tails, and rubbed more baby oil into already well moisturised udders.

Underlining the presence of bovine royalty, there were even privy counsellors – bucket handlers – standing by, wipes at the ready, to cater for the stars’ more basic needs.

Along with Millstreet, Charleville, and Tullamore, Virginia is one of the Republic’s big four agricultural shows – “the Majors” as one golf-loving farmer called them.

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But for dairy breeders, this is the one that matters most. Nothing that might make the difference between winning and losing is left to chance, acclimatisation included.

“She’s been here since Monday,” said Bryan O’Connor from Kanturk, Co Cork, as he watched his handlers apply the finishing touches to Bawnmore Pepper Almeric, a four-year-old Holstein that had already won for him at Tullamore.

Minders had taken it in turns to spend nights with her. Now, having perfected her tail, udder, and spinal hair line, a stylist was heightening the outline of her rib cage, to emphasise the efficiency judges prize in the modern cow. “It shows she’s putting [everything] in the milk, not on her back,” O’Connor explained.

Bawnmore Pepper Almeric was at the top of her game, clearly, although it’s a short game. “At this level, you’re lucky if you get a year out of it,” said the Corkman. His Tullamore champion was up against it even here, he added: “I’d be happy with top three. There are two northern cows that’ll be hard to beat.”

In an inspired piece of marketing, the €13,000 competition to find the crème de la crème of Irish cows is sponsored by Baileys. And sure enough, O’Connor’s was in the milkshake-up right to the end.

After a rigorous assessment of the entrants “beautiful mammary systems”, as the MC romantically put it, and their “structured rumps” (the judge), top prize went to C & J Richardson from Armagh, with O’Connor second and the other northern cow, owned by Sam and John McCormack from Co Down, in third.

Cows were not the only animals on site getting beauty-salon treatment. Among a species famous for whiteness, there were also some suspiciously yellow entrants in the best sheep competitions.

These included the champion Suffolk Ram Lamb, “Kells Bacardi”, whose fleece was so golden it would have excited Jason and the Argonauts. A “trade secret” joked the owner Eamonn Duffy when asked about the colour, before admitting it was spray-on tan.

Never mind the tan, it was also hard to believe the animal in question – a 110kg bruiser with a back broad and flat enough you could balance a tray of pints on it – was still a lamb. But he was only eight months old and, if you looked long enough, visibly growing. Eamonn expects to see another 50kg or 60kg before he’s finished.

Kells Bacardi may be a Virginia champion now, but he’s not a virgin one. Despite his tender age, he is already several weeks into a stud career. His owner plans an “on farm” lamb sale in late October, and the champion’s first offspring will be among the produce.

There was a mother-and-son triumph in the donkey competitions where local man James Farrelly’s mare, “Paula” won the main prize while her year-old-foal, “Felix” got third. The youngster was noticeable darker and shaggier than his mother, marking him out as what some call a “Spanish” donkey.

He was also a bit on the mulish side, at least in temperament – his eight-year-old handler James Farrelly Jnr had his work cut out. Judge Jimmy Canavan hinted the foal might have improved his position with a “haircut”. Even so, Felix went on to win the best foal award too.

Other competitions at Virginia ranged from jam-making to handwriting, via “best decorated wooden spoon”. There was even a Haiku competition, for the best three lines and a maximum of 17 syllables on any theme.

Anne McCartney from Bailieborough played it safe with a eulogy to the show itself: “Sounds! Scents, sights, rosettes,/anticipation ... all the/best from rural life.”

That won second place. But in a result that would have pleased Patrick Kavanagh, first prize went to Dearbhla McCormick of Rockcorry, Co. Monaghan, who opted for a surprisingly poignant reflection on mortality: “Before we are naught,/Before the last grain plummets/Please. Just hold me close.”