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How to know if you are addicted to porn or sex and what the remedy is

‘Rock bottom can and does result in relationship breakdown, divorce, loss of job and … at its worst criminal charges’

This digital age plays a significant role in the prevalence of porn and sex addiction.

Geraldine Walsh
Thu Jan 4 2024 - 06:01

Fantasies, watching porn, and experimenting with sexual experiences can be empowering, pleasurable, and respectful when safe sex and healthy sexual boundaries and behaviours are practised. With sex and sexuality often shrouded in shame, stigma, and judgment, sexual practices and choices are often hidden and internalised meaning when craving sex or watching porn harms a person’s life, addiction can go unnoticed until the problem becomes more difficult to control.

Part of an Irish Times series about addiction

“Measuring addiction is difficult as it depends on the individual,” says Michael Wilkins, an accredited counsellor with Irish Online Counselling. “People have different sex drives and different versions of ‘normal’ and porn and sex are pleasurable activities that produce endorphins to be enjoyed as part of a healthy lifestyle. Having sex also involves a certain amount of intimacy and physical connection with a partner which is comforting and watching porn can give you a physical and emotional release which is relaxing and comforting.”

However, Wilkins recognises that an addiction to porn or sex can affect a person’s ability to focus and concentrate on everyday tasks with a need to fulfil that next fix, creating physical symptoms of headaches and palpitations. Additionally, Wilkins highlights that “there have been studies that show that porn can impact the brain in the same way as cocaine and can be highly addictive. Addiction to pornography can change the volume size of the pre-frontal cortex which directly affects concentration, focus, and affects performance.”

While porn addiction is not the same as sex addiction, considering both can manifest differently for an individual, neither disorder is classified as an official diagnosis in The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5). However, there are tools used to measure addictions or compulsive disorders.

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“For sexual addictions, the most commonly used is the Sexual Addiction Screening Test (Sast), or for pornography the Problematic Pornography Use Scale (Ppus), this is one of the most effective as it measures importance, reason for use, want for change and relapse,” says Donal Clifford, an IACP [Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy] accredited psychotherapist and sex addiction counsellor in private practice and the Cork Sexual Health Centre. Clifford highlights that the acronym Safe is a good shorthand version for measuring addiction.

Secret — behaviour not acceptable to public scrutiny.

Abusive — exploitive or harmful to self or others.

Feelings — sex is used to alter or remove painful moods.

Empty — of caring or fulfilling relationships.

“Like all addictions, it begins with curiosity, then impulsivity, which is for the creation of good feelings, then compulsivity, which is about avoiding negative feelings. Then people learn sex can be used to alter moods and that is what makes it addictive,” says Clifford. “Addictions usually form if the individual hasn’t learned internal resources, they will use external resources to manage internal states. And, of course, there is a whole lot of chemical stuff in the brain to go with sex which creates states of pleasure.”

This digital age plays a significant role in the prevalence of porn and sex addiction as habits are normalised, minimised, and rationalised through what appears common, normal, and accepted behaviours.

“Viewing online porn content and the associated masturbation and sexual climax create what I describe as a ‘double high’, a biological hit, self-dosing, and self-medicating, which is sexual, psychological, and physiological,” says Orlagh Reid, an IACP accredited psychotherapist specialising in clinical sexology and sexual health. “It comes with a dopamine release associated with pleasure and reward. Often the adrenaline associated with seeking out content, accessing the content and engaging in the behaviours and the risks involved adds further to this biological high.”

However, Reid recognises that there are too many variables to consider when addressing problematic behaviours and habits when it comes to porn use and sexual conduct. “The black-and-white challenge with this very grey issue is that there are no clear available guidelines that define for people what is sexually healthy when it comes to pornography consumption and content,” says Reid who is also an addiction counsellor and sexual health facilitator.

“Excessive porn use can develop into other types of unwanted sexual habits and behaviours offline and with a preoccupation with sex and sexualising the world around them.”

There are an array of reasons problem pornography and behaviours surrounding sex change for a person, including boredom, stress, anxiety, and frustration. Additionally, escapism, loneliness, low mood, not enough intimacy in a relationship, a high sex drive or simply curiosity are common reasons for habits to alter meaning addictions can occur without a person being overly aware of their behavioural changes. These diverse challenges depend on a person’s age, the nature of the content, how it is accessed, and the reasons and risks associated with using porn.

“Many people self-identify as having a porn addiction and no matter how many times they try to stop they cannot stop and feel addicted to porn,” says Reid. “Online problem porn use is widespread and is associated with impulsive and compulsive sexual behaviour in some cases leading to a diagnosis of compulsive sexual behaviour disorder. Like many processed behaviours and addictions, there is a rock bottom for some who struggle with persistent porn-related problems and the consequences are catastrophic.

“Rock bottom can and does result in relationship breakdown, divorce, loss of job, veering into illegal content and at its worst criminal charges. That is the reality of the serious problem porn use today, the consequences are catastrophic.”

Counsellors in the field recognise that clients often seek counselling when habits become uncontrollable, and behaviours are hidden from partners. “Hidden porn use and moral difference when it comes to content poses many challenges of modern-day relationships and does lead to separation and family breakdown because of the fundamental breach of trust that holds a relationship together,” says Reid.

“There are moral lines that get crossed in the world of online pornography that relationships cannot recover from in the real world. That is the reality of the online problem of pornography use today.”

Reid advises a sex-positive approach to porn and sexualised materials or behaviours. “Sex positivity does not mean that anything goes. It has parameters,” she says. “With a world wide web with almost no regulation, poor child protection measurables, and massive exploitation of vulnerable people, to be sex-positive is also to be realistic, morally conscientious and socially responsible.”

Sex positivity does not necessarily include pornography; however, Reid suggests making informed choices and discussing your relationship with porn and sexualised content with partners. “Understand how it affects you and why you use it,” she says further advising that a person understands how the content they are viewing affects them mentally and psychologically. Avoiding content that goes against your fundamental value system, knowing your limits and not taking risks is also important to maintain a sex-positive approach to behaviours.

Recognising a problem with porn or sex addiction is the first step to recovery. Consider speaking with your GP who can advise and assess for other conditions which may be exacerbating the problem.

An addiction counsellor or psychosexual therapist who understands problem porn use and the process of recovery can help with an assessment and an ongoing therapy process.

Addiction series

Geraldine Walsh

Geraldine Walsh

Geraldine Walsh, a contributor to The Irish Times, writes about health and family

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