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A young woman alleged she had been raped. The accused young man said yes they had had intercourse, but it was consensual. Medical evidence was given that the woman was still a virgin. Case dismissed.
That was the gist of a local court report from outside Dublin during the 1980s when I worked as a night sub-editor in the Irish Independent. It was only a few paragraphs in the next day’s newspaper, but has been lodged in my memory ever since.
I saw it then as a reflection of the sorry state of sex education in the country. In hindsight, it also evokes the crude nature of the judicial system at the time for sex-related cases.
Whatever did happen between those two young people on the night in question before the sequel in court, we can be pretty sure there was no conversation about consent. Nearly 40 years on, a new national consent campaign launched by the Dublin Rape Crisis Centre (DRCC) wants to ensure that unambivalent, mutual agreement paves the way in all sexual activity.
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We always knew consent as the opposite of sexual violence, says Noeline Blackwell, chief executive of the DRCC. But this initiative, We-Consent, is also about promoting a broader concept of the value of consent and it is a message for all ages.
Consent is a core principle of all respectful interpersonal relationships. It involves recognising and respecting one’s own boundaries and the boundaries of others and always checking whenever one is unsure. Consent in a sexual setting is defined as “ongoing, mutual and freely given” agreement to engage in a sexual act, with 17 being the age of consent to engage in sexual intercourse in Ireland.
We don’t think twice about teaching toddlers, during their first forays into socialisation, that biting, although normal behaviour for under threes, is not acceptable. They learn they can’t even take a crayon from another child without asking, Blackwell points out. “They are also told the other child might be delighted to give you one of their crayons ‘but you need to check first’.” However, this concept tends to be introduced in a much more awkward way in a sexual context later in life, at least it was for older generations, she says. “We have accepted behaviour that is not consensual in sexual activity a lot of the time simply because we thought that was the way it was done and there was no discussion around it.”
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Some 70 per cent of people think we have a problem with consent in Ireland, according to research undertaken by DRCC, while one in three people is embarrassed to talk about sex. The research, conducted two years ago, also showed a misunderstanding of consent, with one in five people agreeing that sometimes people say no to sex when they want convincing. Understanding consent goes hand in hand with holistic sex education. The Social Personal and Health Education (SPHE) curriculum is being updated, to address issues such as gender identity, pornography and sexual consent. The National Council for Curriculum and Assessment is finalising revised programmes, which will be rolled out for junior cycle students in secondary school first, from next September. An updated SPHE curriculum is due to be ready for the senior cycle the following year and at primary level from 2025.
The “grim reality”, says Blackwell, is that when teenagers and young adults are going through their most experimental and curious years about sexual activity, most of their knowledge comes from social media, pornography and peers. Even parents who discuss these matters with their off-spring don’t know what they are seeing online.
“They’re not talking about what the kids are talking about themselves,” she says. While some parents may not like what is in the school curriculum, “fair enough, there are different ways. But ignoring the reality isn’t going to make it go away”. What she and her colleagues hear from educators is that many young people are not getting a sufficient counter balance to the misinformation and abusive material they hear and see, “and, as a result, they are not doing well”.
There were 565 female and 80 male victims of recent sexual violence crimes reported in 2021 who were under 18 years of age at the time, according to CSO figures. These accounted for nearly four out of every 10 (38.6 per cent) victims who reported sexual violence which had taken place in the year prior to the crime being reported.
All sexual assault is troublesome but there is particular misery associated with inadvertent assault, says Blackwell. The harm on the person assaulted is still huge but it might not have happened if the person involved knew better.
“The person who is harmed is harmed and the person who did the harm and didn’t want to do the harm is also harmed.” Both their lives have been changed.
For Charlene Masterson (34), sexual abuse came from within her own home. “I am a survivor of 7½ years of sexual abuse at the hands of my father and other men.” She waived her right to anonymity when her father, David Masterson, was jailed in July 2021 for 17 years, and has been advocating for other survivors ever since.
From the age of 18 to 25, Charlene was subjected to abuse and blackmail orchestrated by her father, although she was unaware he was behind it at the outset. It only ended after a friend noticed something wasn’t right with her. “I was withdrawing from everything.”
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Once Charlene was able to tell her mother, who had been unaware of what was going on, her father was immediately told to leave the house. That was the start of a long road to bring him to justice.
In hindsight, Charlene, an only child, could see that she was being groomed by her father from the age of 12 or 13. “Not until I started going through my case coming up in court did I associate the word ‘abuse’ with it.”
At school she says she learned “nothing” about consent. Sex education there consisted of “you get your period and this is what you do when you get your period. And that was kind of it. There was no further education”.
“I went to a Catholic school and maybe that’s why but there was no conversation about it. I don’t think it was a taboo subject but I just don’t think it was a topic of conversation.” An enthusiastic supporter of We-Consent, she has been involved with workshops run by the DRCC and hopes to continue this work. Her own experiences, and the support she received to process it and cope with the court case, has “given me fire in my belly”, she says. “I think for everyone, regardless of age and even intention, consent should be the underlying message.”
It should not be conceived as you give consent or you get consent, she suggests, but rather as an agreement across all parties. The idea of one person giving permission comes with an imbalance of power.
She sees the beginning of a change of culture in some parents realising it is no longer right to tell children to give their auntie a hug or to kiss their granny. Qualitative research by DRCC showed there is a strong desire among parents to empower their children when it comes to consent.
A resource hub for parents and care-givers on we-consent.ie offers a range of text and video materials suitable for different aged groups. If you still struggle to find the right words, watching the appropriate videos with your children would be a start. This campaign is all about sparking conversations – in the home, in the workplace, in social circles.
After Charlene spoke out about her experiences, she was approached by friends who disclosed they had been subject to abuse too. “Everybody knows somebody who was in a situation where consent was not agreed. I think until people start having those conversations they don’t realise how many people around them are impacted by it.” Blackwell does not expect this campaign, funded by the Department of Justice and the Community Foundation Ireland, to immediately cause a reduction in the number of people contacting rape crisis centres, rather “there is a big chance they will go up”. She believes more people may become aware that they don’t have to tolerate non-consensual activity and that they are entitled to get help with it.
But in the long term, and she is thinking of a decade at least, Blackwell is hoping that this national campaign will lead to deep-rooted cultural change, with happier, healthier relationships for all. DRCC won’t be doing it on their own, she points out, other organisations will run with it, trying to keep a spotlight on the understanding of consent as agreement and the need for agreement in sexual activity.
“That is quite a leap from where we are right now,” she adds, “but it will be worth it”.
For anyone affected by this issue, DRCC has a national 24-hour helpline on 1800 77 88 88
Consent in long-term relationships
The question of consent to sexual activity is usually regarded as most relevant to young people and those starting out on a relationship, with less focus on how it is approached within long-term partnerships.
Where, for instance, does so-called “maintenance sex” fit in with the message that nobody should ever have sexual activity if they don’t feel like it? How do couples cope with mismatched sex drives? In the stereotype scenario of a heterosexual relationship in which a man wants sex more frequently, can any self-respecting woman go along with it out of a sense of obligation?
Research by the Dublin Rape Crisis Centre, out of which the national campaign We-Consent evolved, reported that 33 per cent of participants agreed with the statement, “Having sex is just part of a long-term relationship – you’re not always up for it but you’d go along with it”.
Consent looks slightly different in a long-term relationship, says sex therapist Teresa Bergin. At the start of a good relationship, maintaining the intimate side is easy “because there is a lot of sexual attraction, everything is fresh and new and so it is not an issue”. But as life goes on, and there’s, work, financial pressures, children, ageing parents, hormonal issues and maybe relationship problems to deal with, it’s not as easy.
Many couples deal with this through scheduling, she says. They may not literally put it in their diary but there is a prioritising of sexual intimacy. Nobody thinks twice about committing to regular fitness activities “but we have been fed this idea that sex needs always to be spontaneous and passionate for it to work and in a long-term relationship that’s not the way it optimally functions”.
She believes thinking of maintaining intimacy is more helpful than the narrower concept of maintenance sex. It doesn’t have to be intercourse every time; it might be a massage or cuddling with clothes on. Conversation needs to be ongoing and both partners checking in with each other around what’s comfortable, what’s possible, what someone is up for.
In the context of a long-term relationship, there is a difference between spontaneous and responsive sexual desire, Bergin explains. Take the situation where one partner feels, “I am not quite in the mood but I could get in the mood, to some degree. That needs to be communicated.”
This is where the issue of consent can become tricky, she acknowledges. They may be saying they might get in the mood to go further.
“We’re not talking about being persuaded by the other person,” she stresses. “We’re talking about checking in with one’s self.” If there is a sense that in the past you have been able to get into it responsively, that this would be good for the relationship and you think you would be able to enjoy it, then that is more of a yes. But if you’re tired, stressed and feel you won’t get into it, then it’s a definitive no. That needs to be heard and respected.
Rejection can be difficult for anyone but it all comes down to communication. “You want to convey the message that ‘I am not rejecting you but I don’t feel I am really going to get into this and enjoy it – but I am really willing to try again at the weekend’,” she advises.
Bergin wants to make it clear she is not saying just get on with it for the sake of sexual intimacy, rather it’s thinking about the overall health of the relationship.
“The reality is, in my experience as a sex therapist, if sexual intimacy falls out of the frame of the relationship, the longer it is out of the frame, the more difficult it is to return to.” Either one or both partners will feel so awkward, not knowing how to get back into it again. It’s not impossible but it takes a lot of work, she adds, “and that is an argument for maintaining the intimacy so it doesn’t disappear off the radar of the relationship”. Relationships counsellor Eithne Bacuzzi, who specialises in psychosexual therapy, says she still quite often sees a sense of entitlement around sex within long-term relationships. Frequently, one partner is feeling rejected and the other feels pressured. The partner whose advances are turned down can display passive aggression in reaction, such as sulking and making life difficult.
“There is not much acceptance that the other person could be tired or stressed, and it becomes a bit of a battlefield sometimes. Then it goes underground and comes out in all aspects of the relationship.”
Communication is key, says Bacuzzi who finds it shocking that couples are unable to articulate to each other how they are feeling.
“There was probably more of an acceptance in the past that this is what you did, that it’s part of the deal.” It was only in 1990 that rape within marriage became a criminal offence in Ireland.
“I can’t tell you how many people have a very good relationship: they are a good unit together and intellectually compatible but when it comes to sex, the door is closed. They can’t say anything about it.”
The assumption that sex is on tap is a huge red flag in a relationship, she warns. “Early on, people push the red flags away because they want to be in this relationship and they don’t take it seriously enough.”
The We-Consent campaign is aimed at trying to make all men and women aware that there are no entitlements when it comes to sex. Acceptance of rejection is a life skill that needs to be taught to young people.
In long-term relationships, “it is about being grounded and self-assured, and not taking it that if somebody does not really want to have sex, it does not mean ‘I don’t like you, I don’t want you’, it means ‘I just don’t feel like it now’,” adds Bacuzzi. “But they don’t hear that.”