‘Neighbours’ kids are constantly knocking on our door to play with my young kids. They won’t stop’

Question

I’m looking for advice on the following situation. The neighbours’ young kids are constantly knocking on our door to play with my young kids, waiting for us to get home. My eldest boy (six years old) loves playing with them and I love that they have this great friendship. However, it’s very difficult to tell them no when it doesn’t suit our family. The neighbours’ kids will be playing outside in earshot and will continue knocking. If I say no my son’s mood is challenging and he is constantly looking to go out. The knocking occurs throughout dinner time, bedtime. My eldest won’t finish his dinner wanting to get out. Dinner is an important family time for us. The kids are playing on the road while I’m trying to get mine to bed. We have a routine and try to stick to it within reason, our family functions better with it. We are two working parents.

If my eldest is out playing on the road (we have no green) my middle child (4) will also want to go out, he often is too tired after a day in creche but gets inconsolable if not allowed out. I’m dealing with the post-creche meltdown as well as him not being allowed out to play on the road. He is younger than the rest, he ends up having tantrums and hitting, and getting exhausted. I find myself constantly having to referee. Also, I have to stay out with my middle child as we are living on a busy road.

When I need to get dinner ready, I bring them all into our back garden where I know they are safe, but our garden is tiny, we have a mid-terrace so everyone comes through my house. It’s all very stressful and intense. I might add one of the neighbours’ kids has very challenging behaviour.

We also have a baby. We come home after a long day, it’s very difficult unloading everyone safely out of the car on a busy road while the neighbours’ kids are begging them to play. While I am on maternity leave, the kids wake the baby during nap time, knocking on the door, screaming at the door. I do value their friendships and the fun they have but I have told mine that they can only play at weekends with the other kids, it is too hard to manage while we have a small baby ... this has led to massive meltdowns from my eldest. It is definitely not as simple as just telling them no. I’ve disconnected the doorbell. Told the kids to stop knocking. But they are constantly waiting for mine to come out.

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Answer

Having a close neighbourhood where the children regularly call for one another is certainly a mixed blessing. This is especially the case if you are busy family of three small children with two working parents and lots of time pressures. While you can be delighted that your children have playmates nearby to keep them entertained, this can also become an intrusion if they call at inopportune times. Also, feuds, disputes and falling-outs can be harder to manage when everyone lives so close by.

Furthermore, your children are also very young to be playing unsupervised with other children. At 6 and 4 they will find it hard to manage turn-taking games, are likely to be getting into disputes and will need an adult close by to help them (it sounds like the neighbours’ children are in the same boat). This means that you don’t get a break if they are playing with the other children and you need to be close by to supervise and manage. In addition, you have the added worry of safety, living near a busy road. Most young children can’t be trusted with road safety by themselves until they are at least 8 years of age and sometimes older when they need to be clearly taught these skills (rsa.ie).

Negotiate with the other parents

In your question you don’t mention the parents of the neighbourhood children. Certainly, it is there responsibility to manage their own children and ensure they don’t visit you when not invited etc. Is there the possibility that you could talk through some of the issues and agree some neighbourhood rules with them. For example, you could agree certain times when the children play outside together (for example, not at dinner time) and agree which parent is supervising. You could even agree that they (the parents) will text you when the children want to play rather than knocking at the door, or take turns hosting them to play safely in your homes. Of course it may be difficult to make these agreements with the parents, especially if you don’t have a good relationship with them or if they have different values than you and let their child go feral in the neighbourhood.

[ ‘My 12-year-old gets stressed and worried at bedtime and can’t sleep’ ]

[ ‘My 13-year-old son is constantly inside on his phone this summer’ ]

[ ‘My eight-year-old daughter has a friendship that can be quite intense’ ]

Decide what you want

Sit down with your partner and decide what is the best routine for you and your children. You could decide that your children are only allowed out at weekends — your 6 year old might find this hard at first, but once you give him plenty of alternatives and it becomes routine it will be easier. Or you could decide that your children can go out for two periods a day when you or another parent is there to supervise or to take them to a local park where they can play safely (or to host them at home). You can help your children get used to this by doing up a routine chart with a pictures to illustrate 1) play outside time 2) play inside time 3) family dinner time 4) quiet time etc. Once you are clear what you want, things will be easier. Remember you can vary what you want as things change.

For example, during summer it might suit to have them out a bit more and then during school term they might be only allowed out at weekends. Also, as they get older and are more able to play unsupervised you can give them more time outside alone and monitor this carefully.

Send in your question by filling up the form below, or by e-mailing health@irishtimes.com (with “John Sharry” in the subject line)

— John Sharry is clinical director of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD School of Psychology. See solutiontalk.ie for details of online courses.