THE MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN

Directed by Ryuhei Kitamura. Starring Bradley Cooper, Leslie Bibb, Brooke Shields, Vinnie Jones, Roger Bart, Peter Jacobson, Barbara Eve Harris 18 cert, gen release, 85 min **

THE IRISH Film Certification Office, whose guidelines usually list every gouging, disembowelment and evisceration, was, it seems, forced to collectively throw up its hands when confronted with this undemanding horror film. The office's advice comprises just one word: "Gorefest." Is that all you have to say? The Midnight Meat Trainis so much more than that.

Okay, it's not. It's a film in which Vinnie Jones bashes commuters over the head with a big metal hammer. But dedicated horror fans will find the odd interesting idea buried among the bad acting, rudimentary special effects and hopelessly jumbled exposition. Based on a story by Clive Barker, the picture follows a photographer (That Bloke off the Telly) as he sets out to assemble a montage of gritty urban images. While flitting about the subway, he encounters a model who, following molestation by local toughs, steps on a train and falls foul of Wimbledon FC's most famous alumnus. Our hero follows the sharp-suited, largely silent villain back to his hotel and gets drawn into an agreeably bloody melodrama. His girlfriend (That Woman off the Telly) is unhappy.

Jones is, to be fair, quite effective in the role of stupefied death machine and the explosions of gore strike a nice balance between jocular absurdity (heads bounce down the aisle) and genuine nastiness (tongues ripped from the owners' screaming mouths). But, unlike earlier Barker adaptations such as Candymanand Hellraiser, this effort fails to come up with a satisfactory - or even vaguely lucid - explanation for its copious, savagely expressed conundrums. And the acting! If you think That Bloke is bad, then get a load of That Woman. Now that's what I call horrific.