Ten steps to heaven

1. Try to relax. When the traffic has ground to a halt, use the time to practise deep breathing. Put your handbrake on and place the car in neutral. Then close your eyes and begin breathing slowly and deeply, relaxing a different part of the body with each breath.

Start with the top of your head and moving downwards, through the neck, shoulders, arms, hands - you can let go of the steering wheel for a moment, pal, you're not going anywhere - all the way down to your toes.

If you do this correctly, soon both your breathing and pulse rate will be slower, and you will have entered an altered state of consciousness in which you won't even notice when the traffic starts moving again.

You have achieved relaxation. All your pent-up tension has lifted from you like an evil spirit and, unbeknown to you, has entered the body of the driver behind, who has just beeped his horn so hard he activated the air bag and has been pasted to the back of his seat. Now, slowly, put your car in gear and proceed.

2. Use the time productively. If you can't relax, listening to educational tapes can at least help you make the most of being stuck in traffic.

With proper application, anyone can learn the basics of a foreign language during the time it takes to get through Kildare town on a Friday.

Or what about a good book? You've always meant to read War And Peace, for example. Why not simply pop in the cassette, sit back and listen on your way to west Cork. The way things are going, Napoleon has a better chance of entering Moscow than you have of reaching Cork.

Finnegans Wake is another ideal choice for the car. It's refreshingly free of full stops, at least, unlike this journey.

3. Listen to your inner child. If you can't relax and you're not into tapes, sitting in a car seat is as good a place as any to try to get in contact with your lost inner child. If nothing else, it may help to distract you from the screaming of your actual children in the back.

4. Use the time for personal grooming. When pulled up at lights or stuck in a traffic jam, many men experience an irresistible urge to pick their noses. This habit is often criticised by women, but what's the alternative? That you should pick your nose while in moving traffic, endangering other road users? Obviously not. It shouldn't just be about your nose, however. Being stuck in traffic is an opportunity to catch up on other areas of body maintenance: sniffing armpits, scratching, adjusting the position of sensitive body parts, etc.

5. Make sure you have the latest information. Wherever you're going, listen to all the traffic bulletins and make a note of the trouble spots . . . No, try not to think about the way the announcers say "ryndabyte" and "Kildare tyne". Really, don't torture yourself about it. See, you're tensing up again.

6. Think positively. You may have been stuck in a traffic jam for the past half-hour, for example, but the guy in front is also stuck, and he's driving a Porsche. How much did that cost? Fifty grand? A hundred? Bet he feels stupid now. You're cheering up already.

7. Practise conflict resolution through role playing. The stresses of travel can be made so much worse by warring children. But fratricidal tensions can be turned into fun with a little imagination.

Pretend your kids are rival ethnic communities, for example, riven by centuries of mutual distrust - this part should be easy. Then pretend you are Senator George Mitchell, sent in to sort them out in a calm, non-judgmental way.

First, ask them to complete position papers - they can use colourful markers if they like - outlining their grievances and how they want these to be dealt with. This should keep them busy, at least until you get to . . . But wait: now they've folded their position papers into aeroplanes and are launching them at each other. Oh no, little Johnny's been hit in the eye, and it's all-out war again. It's time to call in the UN. By a stroke of luck, we have Kofi Annan sitting in the front passenger seat. Over to you, darling!

8. Play mental chess. Not against someone who's good at it, obviously - you don't want to tire yourself. Ask your inner child if he wants a game. You should beat him easily.

9. Try to interpret interesting road signs. There's one in Galway that reads: "Experimental traffic calming ahead". What does it mean? Are they giving out joints?

10. Call your parents. You've been too busy all week, but now you've got time on your hands - and a mobile phone. When your mother tells you that you should have left earlier, and you wouldn't be stuck in traffic if you had, try the breathing exercises again.