Stage Struck

PETER CRAWLEYon new locations for the Abbey Theatre

The GPO

Pros:This charming emblem of hostile insurrection boasts a textured sense of history, one that it celebrates with rolls of commemorative stamps. A robust edifice, it will withstand all but the most determined shell attacks, which may come in handy.

Cons:Such a confluence of nationalistic signifiers means that the curtain must be replaced with an enormous Tricolour, all dialogue must be delivered in the form of rebel balladry, and every performance conclude with a ceremonial riot.

The old Carlton Cinema

Pros:Situated on O'Connell Street (Dublin's answer to the Champs-Élysées if you replaced all its cafes with discarded burger wrappers), the Carlton site has much to recommend it: it used to be a cinema, then a temporary bag shop, and, er, that's it.

Cons:Previous efforts to convert the place met with staunch opposition from, we presume, from the powerful temporary bag-shop lobby. With its transmogrification into a theatre space having long been deemed utterly ridiculous, more practical plans are in motion to transform it into a €1 billion multistorey Narnia populated by Claire's Accessories outlets and winged beasts.

Somewhere in the Docklands

Pros:"Somewhere in the Docklands" was long considered the most likely and specific location in which to deposit an increasingly bewildered Abbey. Freed from the taint of history, character and, more importantly, audiences, it was argued that somewhere in the Docklands would spell a bright new day of blue-sky thinking, polished chrome surfaces and a wilderness of empty commercial headquarters.

Cons:Following 3,000 feasibility studies, all inconclusive, it became clear that nobody knew precisely where in the Docklands they were talking about. The plan was quietly dropped.

Your spare room

Pros:Unfussy, slightly cluttered, but convenient, your spare room was mentioned in the Programme for Government as a back-up for temporarily housing our National Theatre until a few details can be sorted out.

Cons:Despite assurances that this is a temporary arrangement and that the National Theatre will be there for, like, two weeks tops, some inevitable awkwardness will arise over noise, seating, personal boundaries and fridge space.

The Abbey

Pros:Remember, the original Abbey was a converted morgue. The current building doesn't seem so bad, does it? The theatre has long survived most threats against it, fending off criticism of an impractically shallow stage. It recently revamped its auditorium so elegantly that – for a while – people seemed happy to leave it where it is.

Cons:Apart from the accidental atmospherics of rumbling Luas trams every five minutes or so, the principle drawback of the Abbey's location is that it actually has one. For as long as it does, we must speculate about moving it. Not that we ever will.