Stuck for Christmas gift ideas? Read on

Fantasy stocking fillers – from Jedward’s autobiography to Trappatoni’s ‘Inferno’, via Bertie’s new DVD, some dodgy expenses and gifts for the foot- (or hand-)baller in your life

ONWARD AND JEDWARD

Wondering what to get the teenager (barely) in your life? What about the new autobiography of Jedward? It’s full of essential Jedwardian information:

On their names: “We were trying to come up with a name that combined both of our names – John and Edward. We decided to take the first letter of one name and add it to the second name. First we came up with Ejohn . . . but that sounded like a virtual web toilet! The we hit upon J . . . Edward: Jedward! Luckily our names weren’t Paddy and Rick! That would have been rude!

On singing: . . .

On the hair: “People often ask me where the idea for the hair came from. Well one day we were busy practising on a rollercoaster in a big theme park. Each time we went upside down, Edward said, ‘Wouldn’t it be great to live our lives upside down?’ . . . or did I say that? I keep getting us mixed up!! He laughs (in words). Anyhoo, somebody from the two of us said it and then the other said it wasn’t possible so we did the next best thing, made our hair like it was when we were upside down on the rollercoaster.”

This book comes with a tube of Jedward Factor X Hair Gel.

STOCKING FILLER: FANTASTIC MR FOX

Why not give tickets for the film of the year: Fantastic Mr Fox. Mr Fox – aka sly Bertie "Fox" Ahern – has taken other people's chickens. The people are still hoping that Mr Fox will be caught but he is long gone – hiding behind waffle and feasting on other people's chickens for the rest of his fantastic life.

FAI MUNCH

The FAI is selling a range of classic paintings that it has reinterpreted for the sake of footballing relevancy: why not give that soccer-mad art buff its new reproduction of Edvard Munch's The Scream? In the FAI's version, the pasty-faced screaming skull of the original has been replaced by four howling faces: Robbie Keane, Damien Duff, Shay Given and Paul McShane – hands holding heads as they howl their holes off at the existential unfairness of it all. The FAI is also selling a reproduction of the Mona Lisareplete with Henry's face sporting "Le Smile". What does the smile mean? Is he Happy? Sad? Sniggering? Who cares? We're not going.

STOCKING FILLER: THE MEN WHO STARE AT GOATS

Give tickets to see this film about farmers in Galway watching their livestock float away down a river that wasn’t there before.

BORD NA MONA LISA

Here's the ideal present for people who want to snuggle in with loved ones in front of the fire but are tired of pretending that flames look interesting: Fire Art. Burn these Bord na Mona Lisabriquettes and that fantastic painting will appear before your eyes in the flames. Fresh airheaded ski romances in Swiss lodges have never been so culturally rewarding.

DA BURDS!

Give somebody the gift of attending the Gate Theatre's terrifying new play Da Burds. Its a truly terrifying new play about a group of theatregoers who have barricaded themselves into a comfortable theatre which is under attack from a large mob of females from the rough side of Dublin who go by the name "Da Burds". Inside the theatre, the audience reaffirm shared values and meanings in the face of irrational and unexplainable fears, by watching endless performances of Chekov plays. They resist the onslaught of the darkness by clapping and ordering drinks for the umpteenth interval. Gradually, however, the boarded-up windows are splintered to invisibility by the persistent pneumatic pecking of the thousands of stilettos accompanied by shrieking cries of "Let us in – we are Da Burds". Thus are the psychological front doors of the massed well-heeled clientele finally unhinged. Special offer: Buy one, get 10 free.

HAND DESIGNED HANDCUFFLINKS

The ideal present for many people in this country. (You know who you are!)

NAMINATION*

This is the perfect present for a friend whose work of art – painting or sculpture – is falling apart. Left to its own devices, disintegration and complete loss of value is the future. But not with Namination*! Namination* is a revolutionary new art restoration process that involves the revolutionary new substance called Naminate. The Naminate is stretched across the flaking painting or eroding marble thus saving the day and maintaining the most important aspect of the art work: its money’s worth. Namination* is very expensive but luckily is paid for by the Government. *Namination is regulated by the office of the guy who didn’t really regulate much at all, so don’t worry.

ARTISTES DE FOOTBALL SUR LES MAINS ET LES FEET

Why not give the man in your life a Socks and Gloves set illuminated with pictures of the greatest ever artists of football: Pele, Maradona, Best, Zidane, Messi, Thierry Henry. Your man can’t be them but he can do the next best thing: wear them on his feet! (Note: Thierry Henry socks and gloves are interchangeable: socks may be worn on hands and gloves worn on feet. Regret may be worn with little conviction.)

BOXSET – THE WIRE

Special extra features include “The Men Behind The Wire”: a look at the role of Republican Balladry in the making of a drugs drama on the streets of Baltimore.

BOXSET – BOXES

Liam Carroll box set. Five box-size apartments in one small box. Why not knock them through and make one big cardboardy place to live?

NOVELIST AMANDA BRUNKER’S WRITING COURSE

The ideal gift for the aspiring writer: vouchers for a writing course with the novelist Amanda Brunker. There are six sessions, with each exploring such literary themes as “Words”, “Words into Sentences” and “Saying Things That Are In Your Head And Then Writing Them Down”. The novelist Amanada Brunker will also deliver a paper on what she feels is an often neglected area of literature: “The Importance of Page Numbers”. For tickets to learn, from the novelist Amanda Brunker, contact The Cosmetics Department, Brown Thomas. Tickets cost €1,000 and the price includes a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes.

STOCKING FILLER: LET THE RIGHT ONE IN

Give tickets to this film which is a moving plea to the electorate of this country.

TINY ART

The Zoe Group has opened a gallery on a street that has no name yet (or footpaths, or street lamps). The gallery offers gifts in the form of really small paintings and sculptures. Owner Liam Carroll says: “I identified a market for tiny art after I built thousands of tiny apartments all over Dublin city.” He claims it is just the beginning: “In the future we are going to build smaller and smaller flats and so sell ever smaller art. My ultimate ambition is to sell Nanoart – because art is useless and should be not seen as well as not heard.” So says Fantastic Mr Functional. Prices for Carroll’s Tiny Art are inversely proportional to the size of the art.

WATERPROOF PAINTINGS

These paintings are painted using special waterproof water colours. This is the ideal gift of art if you want to give somebody something they will still be able to hang on their wall 25 years from now when Ireland is submerged and landscape becomes seascape.

ART RECEIPT DECEIT

Are you a politician or a high-ranking public servant? Do you want to buy art for friends but want to claim the money you spend as expenses? Then buy your art gifts in John O'Donoghue's Art Expenses Cover-Up shop. Here's how it works: just go to the shop and buy a piece of art, and they'll give you a receipt for something completely different. Then you claim back on the receipt. Here are some current special offers: 1. Buy any piece of Public Art and receive a receipt for two nights' accommodation at a five-star hotel. 2. Buy Shlittery von Gantry's sculpture Eggs, Cat, and a Bag of Golf Clubs in Cast Iron Holdalland you'll receive a receipt for a 6,000-mile limousine journey. 3. Buy a ceramic pig by Ulva Honkler and you'll receive a receipt for a gold fax machine.

STOCKING FILLER

Perfect stocking filler: A sculpture of a foot.

TRAPPATONIS ‘INFERNO’

What do you give the football-mad/classic literature-mad fan? How about Dante's Infernoin a new translation by Giovanni Trappatoni? You think you know hell? Think again! Giovanni has translated the Inferno(or "Hot Sticky Place" as he calls it in the book) from the original Italian into his own half-Italian, half-arsed English. As in the original, the poet Dante journeys through hell. However, his guide – the poet Virgil – has been replaced by Trappatoni himself! (Trappatoni gives no reason for dropping Virgil other than to say that he does not suit his "system". Suffice it to say Virgil makes no further appearance.) Trappatoni discovers bankers, politicians and developers. At all levels he encounters journalists and in moments of charity he eases their burning pain by tossing them "a quote!" which takes them an eternity to decode. At the seventh level of hell Trappatoni encounters the Hand of God.

STOCKING FILLER: BALLYCRUMBS

Why not give tickets to this play about Now! Tales of BallyCrumbs. Using a sophisticated metaphor system, Tales of Ballycrumbstells a story of recent events: The town of BallyLoads of Loaves is hit by a recession and is now called BallyCrumbs because everybody is walking around saying: "Crumbs". The chickens have come home to roost and eat what remains of this crumbling town. What will the people do when the bread is all gone?