Nativity!

Directed by Debbie Issitt. Starring Martin Freeman, Ashley Jensen, Marc Wootton, Pam Ferris, Alan Carr G cert, gen release, 100min

THIS HEART-sinkingly useless British comedy is filled with meaningless bustle and a pathetic insecurity over its own meagre worth. It almost rushes at you and screams pathetically in your unwelcoming face. “Nativity! Nativity!” it burbles. “Like me! Like me!” Most viewers will respond with another phrase – composed of two monosyllabic words – that also takes an exclamation point.

Summoning back some cast members from Confetti, her perfectly tolerable wedding comedy, director Debbie Issitt takes us to Coventry for a film about a nativity play at a comprehensive school.

Martin Freeman stars as a teacher, once an actor, who is depressed following his girlfriend's decision to leave him for a career in the US. Inveigled into directing the Christmas production, he makes the mistake of bragging that his former squeeze is going to bring "Hollywood" to his play. As in Waiting for Guffman, word gets around and, before long, the parents believe each of their children is set to become the next Dakota Fanning.

This is a truly terrible film. The press notes suggest that some improvisation was involved. But rather than injecting a degree of naturalism into the piece, these efforts have merely caused the picture to look even more decrepit and inadequately developed.

Still, the awful one-liners, contrived misunderstandings and jarring reversals appear bearable when set beside the endless musical performance that closes the project. The longer it goes on, the more appallingly clear it becomes that the film-makers actually think their nativity play is worth watching.

Coventry survived the Luftwaffe, and it will survive this. But you wouldn’t wish it on your most wretched enemy.