City slickers

Howdy pardners: Parker and Grant

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE MORGANS?
Directed by Marc Lawrence. Starring Hugh Grant, Sarah Jessica Parker, Sam Elliot, Mary Steenburgen, Wilford Brimley PG cert, gen release, 103 min

IS ANYBODY out there? At this time of year, you feel you could write “blah, blah, blah” throughout the review pages and nobody would be any the wiser.

Movie studios have much the same view. They have to put something into the cinemas on New Year’s Day. But, having got the proper box-office catnip out before Christmas, they tend to find the cupboard looking a bit bare.

What they need is a routine piece of generic fluff that won’t require the marketing folk to redefine their stupid paradigms. Robin Williams has to dress as a horse to win back his estranged family. Jim Carrey discovers he’s a witch. Sarah Jessica Parker and Hugh Grant are forced to enter a witness protection scheme. You know the sort of thing.

As it happens, Sony Pictures actually settled on the last scenario. The miniature Ms Parker and the psychopathically apologetic – “Um ah, sorry. Sorry?” – Mr Grant play two snobby Manhattanites who wind up living with rifle-wielding countryfolk in a quiet corner of Montana. Many jokes involving bears and cowboy hats ensue.

Consider the opening scenario for a moment and you will confirm that Did You Hear About the Morgans? is, indeed, throwaway fodder that was knocked together in the gap between brunch and Hobnob time. The titular Morgans (Paul is a lawyer, Meryl an upmarket realtor) have, they feel, reached a terminal point in their relationship. Meryl agrees to meet Paul for dinner, but, aware he recently slept with a colleague, repels any attempts at reconciliation.

Later, while strolling home, their mood is (if anything) lifted when they see a man being murdered on a balcony. Aware that the Morgans saw the killer’s face, the police – after borrowing a few jokes from a classic episode of The Simpsons – put the couple in a witness protection scheme.

Wow, wow, wow. Hang on a moment here. I realise that Morgans is Generic January Romcom #42, but none of this makes any sense.

As I understand it, the witness protection scheme is a project aimed at allowing supergrasses to live in safety after pointing the finger at figures in organised crime. The Morgans may require protection, but, with no villain behind bars, they hardly qualify for the full scheme. You’ve seen Good Fellas and My Blue Heaven, right?

Another thing. Since the murderer is not in custody and the police seem to have no leads, why on earth would he bother chasing Mr and Mrs Morgan all over the US. None of this makes any sense.

Never mind. The plot is just a mechanism to trigger the fish-out- of-water jokes and, to be fair, Grant and Parker make quite a good fist of it. There is a lovely scene in a clothes store where they reel with stunned disbelief at the sight of a jumper that appears to cost just $19.99. “No, hang on. It’s two for $19.99,” Paul says in the same voice he might use if witnessing a rising of the dead.

Kudos also to Sam Elliott and Mary Steenburgen, who make something agreeably warm of the yuppies’ western hosts. It’s pleasant to encounter a mainstream film in which all the major players are over 40 and two (Sam and Mary) won’t see 50 again.

Sadly, the picture rapidly spins into oblivion about halfway through. Desperate to make a proper film of their tolerable trifle (why?), the writers drop the Manhattanites-abroad jokes to focus on fixing the Morgans relationship and teasing out subplots involving the locals.

By the close, all good will has been squandered and Morgans finds itself stranded in the same sickly swamp that encases too many contemporary romantic comedies. Still, for a mainstream released on January 1st, it’s not too bad.